Suicide of intelligence
I was on production support since 5 am in the morning ! i was supposed to respond immediately to whatever caught the fancy of onsite manager .I was relatively new to the project and i knew only partially about the full funtionality of application.It was simple enough when he explained it over the phone . Confused and apprehensive about my reactions ..i proceeded with whatever little knowledge i had about the system . it was around 7 that i recieved a call from Glandu .. He asked me whether i knew someone called Goerge . Goerge was my collegue and was a very lively and likable personality . I always remembered him for how friendly he was and for all the beautiful girls surrounding him in pantry . He was the sort of person who was very successful in pulling off and image which was friendly as well as influencing , it was through him that i got introduced to many fellow malayalis in my office .... Yah man i know george . I did not know how to react when i was told that Goerge committed suicide. Initial reaction was that of disbelief. It just could not be ! somehow we just could not accept the death of someone very close to us . I was not shocked initially . Infact i just could not come to terms with the death of this guy , I really wished i was dreaming ..and when i wake up things would be fine ! But this was no dream ... this was his ugly reaction to something which definetely did not warrant such sudden arrest of life in him .
I was riding my bike at an unusually high speed . For a moment i felt like crying . But anger and grief had overcome me and i was cursing whatever eventuality which made him do what was so hard for me to believe . i picked up Glandu from luz corner and we went to his room . That was the first time that i went to his room . The way to his room was dimly lit , it was a multi storeyed apartment . Being brought up in a village where there is more space than you could roam your entire life .. i just could not understand how people could live in such closed and constricted spaces . There were rooms ..flats apartments .. more so than air and openspace . There were rooms which did not have any windows too . i wondered where we were all headed . Chennai was a only in its infancy in terms of devloping into a big city but even at this stage i could see the growth of ugliness and helplessness. I never saw anything other than just a mechanical dragging of life in anyone ....anything i saw over there . It was just a nightmare which people in cities have come to accept and .... to my dismay .. even aspire to live and own .Just by the sight of such closed living space .. thoughts of depression and sadness overcame me .
George nor his friends were there . I should have known .. .. i called them up , and came to know that they were having their breakfast . All of them looked so damn expressionless for me to see any reaction in them ! They were really clueless and to a certain extent really upset too with what they were facing at that moment . They told us that they were on the way to the police station . We were asked to go to the Morgue . It was not summer in chennai . But its always hot here . The heat was our atonement .. to our aimless life ... thoughts .. and Now ..an aimless death .
It took me an hour of patient crawling in traffic for me to reach the morgue .The morgue was nothing more than the decaying bodies which it had kept . I wondered how people could behave so ordinary ..in an environment polluted by decay and death . when we first saw the outside of the building , we did not dare enter the building . It was India .. a land whose DNA was imprinted with genes of careless abundance of ignorance . We feared for the sight of my Freinds earthly remains lying there .With all the rationalisation and courage i could manage at that moment .. i went ahead and asked the guy inside with what details i could provide him . He refered to my friend as IT .. Its lying inside the freezer ..
How stupid are we to have hopes and dreams beyond our decaying body ! Where was the life which was my friend. Now he was merely and IT .. it .. not even an animal .. it was just it ! Buddha must have been really sensitive to realise it ! it the it ! our body was just a material reaction .. Millions of cells .. each having its own aim .its own mechanism of existence ..somehow has come together and formed tissues.. tissues have become nations of organs .. all in a wonderfully orchestrated biochemical reactions fathered the imagination of my existance ... Stupid did i feel to the reality of my existance . I was cheated into believing my existance and an entity . Cells which were dying and living constantly in a flux .. in love with each other and chemical environment .. for their sustanance .. have made this complex illusion of having a human life for me ! for him who was now an it !
Did he ended his miseries upon such realisations of his virtual non existance . Did he die out of failing to understand the reason and justification of such cellular conspiracy ! Only an imaginary and masturbatory god Knows .. May be that bastard president Bush knew too !what a fool we all are .. Just tools in the hands of millions of forces making us and killing us each second .. infact each microseconds ! As i stood there with all these thoughts .. i saw his friends .. coming one by one .. similiarly shocked to see the horror of his earthly remains .
It was when i went to his friends room that i had realised the fact that he had left suicide notes . That too four of them ! One was meant for his friends .. one was meant for his parents.. and one was meant for police .. .. and one ...and one was meant for a girl .. Girl .. women .. sex .. the quintessential problem plagueing humanity ever since the separation of human race into two beings with dissimiliar body features . Man s obsession with woman and his dream of utopian relationships . Just a tactic in cellular conspiracy . Blinded are we all with the charm of relationships .. I wondered what part of that girl was making this man end his potential and capablities . Those in love will never agree that they love the womans body for sex . But what else is there in woman which is not there in man . He died for that want of boobs and vagina with a symmetrical face . Just the mathematics of genetics .
Woman are always the object of pride and possesion with giving thought to a living mind inside her body ..done to death is the imagination of illusory love by millions of poets and crazy writers. There was no love . Love is just a deoderant of nature to cover the ugly reality of human lust and want for primordial motion .You fool my friend Goerge .. the IT ..it ..it ..of morgue .. What was she .. but a thought in your mind .. a cellular conspiracy .. a decaying body .. ..boobs and butt of human flesh .. symetry and mathmatics .. a visual sensation . that have overwhelmed you my friend .. My comrade and fellow victim of human tragedy . Dont you worry my friend . Death is not the end of life .. infact it is what feeds life .. what drives evolution ..Death was the father of humanity ..perhaps..But my friend .. death is the very reality of life .. you did not have to hurry yourself so much to death . it was bound to haunt you ...to hunt you ..just you needed to wait for some forty ..fifty years .and fifty years is just a fraction of a second in cosmice timezone !
But a mind driven to desperation by the reality of its deception did not understand the logic of life . So he hanged ..with a bedsheet .. and a ceiling fan .. He killed not himself ..but the hopes and dreams of his parents.. our respect for him .. My dignity for love .. He was a rapist for our faith in him .. and friendship .. and love ..
When i came next day to the office .. it was business as usual ..no one seemed to know or care to know what happened to my friend . Just worried about that day .. and how its going to shape their eternal genetic future !
I fucking cursed the entire humanity for its blindness and slumber .. and was answering my onsite call from manager ! I said everything was working fine with the system !
i remembered George .. as a memory .. as an illusion.. a cellular conspiracy
Monday, June 30, 2008
Posted by suresh kumar