Peace and Prayers

I was going up stairs ,It was so far away my floor , I was like in basement floor , I needed to go only to the first floor , But it seemed so far away . Then I reached it . Immediately I remembered , That I need to go to the first floor . And to me going to first floor , was only from the basement floor . Why would I want to go to the first floor if I was already in the first floor .Okay , So I go downstairs . To the basement floor , Actually I used the stairs . just to make sure that I really do go to the basement floor . Then I reach there . Now I was happy , I knew where i wanted to go . I wanted to go to the first floor . I push the button frantically . so that the lift may reach ...Was I mad . Was I in a dream . Were my faculties to reach the first floor permenantly damaged and affected by the apparent illusions of reaching first floor . I wanted to make sure . So sure that I made it more sure by going again to the basement and reaching the first floor ..




How is it . No It s not a dream . I was explaining the opening scene of my very spiritual movie to a friend of mine . My friend Mr Vijay . Okay sorry . Dr Vijay . He is a super star . Okay upcoming superstar . He wanted me to make a very special movie about him . There was a reason why he wanted to make an intelligent movie about him . The entire tamilnadu , Andra and Kerala state is accusing him of being really stupid . Yeah you heard me right stupid . His latest movie , SURA , where he comes swimming out of the ocean like a water dog . Okay dolpyn . . was nt very impressive in the box office . Despite humorous numerous songs being very singable and catchy , He was yet to have more than twenty people seeing his film in the theatre for the last four months , And those twenty people were there because they were deaf , dumb , or beggars who were given free tickets .



So he was upset . It was a stage where anything and every single thing he did was becoming a monumental blunder . At one point of time he even shouted at the hapless journalists . .



He said ..SILENCCEEE ..I mean he shouted and screamed at the god forsaken journalists ! and they were shocked this smiling friend of mine scream on top of his voice the way he would shout at the villains of his movie !



So I explained him , about the movie again , My movie about him . The most intelligent movie about anybody especially Dr Vijay ! (He got the doctorate for being so mentally challenged movie after movie , Every movie and all movies ) So this memory loss and apparent compulsion to move constantly is highly symbollic of the human crisis . Our inabilty to understand our purpose and state of mind as we struggle to come to terms with our existance ..



Dr so called Dr Vijay , My friend was looking as if I had just groped his lovely wife in front of him. I mean his mouth was wide open !



He said ------. Machaa but where is the kuthu songs .. I mean dappan kuthu .. I always have an opening songs



and I said ----But Mr okay sorry Dr Vijay this is not your run of the mill masala movie . This is a movie about a man in an existential crisis to find the first floor . The first floor is symbolic of our achievements . It is a highly intelligent subtle movie about .. well ..err .. you know the futilities of struggles . It s like we never reach . just to make sure that we reach , we travel again and again . . To the same places that we travelled . We do the same things . Again and again for the same exact reasons . Like we have been doing for generations . This will be one of the most monumental films of your carreer . You will beat Dr Kamal haasan ..in the process !



I could nt exactly gauge the reaction . It was like watching him act a intensely emotional scene of his movies . I mean he was like blank . without any expression . Now this was good . This was good because it may be misinterpreted as the lack of existential interests in passing things . A sort of like expression of enlightenment . But to the more curious and sensible eyes , He was looking like lost . Not ordinarily lost . Extraordinarily lost ! Lost like an idiot with an idea !



So he wanted to know when he will have a song ..



and To this I said - No mr Vijay . Oh sorry Doctor Vijay . There is nothing like a song .. No songs are possible ever in an intelligent movie . You see intelligence has got this naive yet honest sincerity due to which we could nt have something as stupid as .. spontaneous musical movements without reasons ...



SILENCE ...He was shouting like he was shouting at the journalists . its not that I was making any noise ..It was just that all these things were too much for him to handle ..



Anyways He acccepted to do the role ..and he accepted do even finance .It was a question of his pride ...To make atleast one intelligent movie in his career .But on one condition . That he may do some minor modification to suit his style .. I should have known . .



The next day We sit with a couple of his good for nothing assistant directors .They bring us coffee and discuss things with us . We even had kerala chips . . Then started out work .. Apparantly the song was something he could nt compromise ..



So we had a kuthu song . So instead of begining from the basement floor . We begin with Dr vijay coming in the bike . There are a thousand and one of his well wishers (in the movie ofcourse ) before he bursts open into song and dance . He says philosophical things in the songs and political things too . He sings about Nuclear weapons and love of mothers to their children . Then the next scene was apparently about going towards the lift as the lift is already having a heroine . Then the lift gets stuck in the ground floor . There the lift technician is a guy who murdered his grandfather . Then they fight . Obviously the girl was the daughter of this guy ... Then there is another sad song . Then there is a clash of love ..revenge . There is apparently twelve thousand fights and more songs too.



The movie was recieved very well by all types of Audience . It was even considered for the national awards for the apparent lack of expression in Dr Vijay s Charector through out the movie .He was praised as a wonder . A genius . . . Looking at the movie for more than once was a challenging acheivement and a testimony of tolerance . May be it was intelligent after all ! It was a device designed to test human tolerance to non sense .Apparently the people like to challange themselves often too . All is well I guess as long as it runs for more than two weeks !

Is there no god , is god so insensitive as to be a silent witness to my overwhelmingly desperate attempts ..to be with her . The only her in my life . the perfect her . . .the lady of my dreams ..

I had her in my dreams yesterday too . Even in the busy hours of traffic when half the world and a moron was honking me from behind . I was lost in her . I was lost in my dreams about her . What was it about her . She was not the most beautiful women of the world . She was not like the beautiful women I had seen . She was hardly the most well dressed . She even made me feel embarressed that I was obsessed with her .

what was it . was it the fact ..that she used to help me .with my studies . . That she used to carry my notebooks if I had missed it in the class . Was it because she used to scold me for the spelling mistakes in my blog . May be it was because she used to walk with me . The most beautiful walks of my life . when we used to be so silent that we hardly missed nothing . Absolutely nothing . everything to us was very clear . We were almost absent in those moments . We were one with the beautiful trees . She had this innocent little charming things to say . Some boring things . yet her innocence had santified it from the boredom ..

She was a friend of mine . A friend of mine when I needed her . May be she was my best friend . with whom I shared everything . Like my secrets , that I feared snakes and roaches . Like the time I stole fifty rupees from dad ....Like she scolded me ..Like she pinched me every time when I used to smell cigarettes . She was like my mother . May be more as she was my friend too . . . . Motherly friend ...heavenly friend . She was not god ..But everything else and much more . .

where was she . Does nt she know that I cry , That I miss her ..even as I have become a man . . Like a man almost twenty five for the last five years !! It was like some seven years ..since I saw her . heard from her . . .She was like ..almost absent except for these painful memories and dreams about her . . was she really real . existant ? No now she was not there . To see me cry . . I thanked god . . As it would shock her ..to think that this communist rationalist passionless absurdist existential philosopher blogger can cry . But yes . The pain was absolutely real . It ached , Like a head being chopped very slowly , it killed me slowly to learn that she was gone almost forever . Were it all lies ..

So sorry am I miss sunshine and beautiful beaches . I am sorry , so sorry that I said to you ....

That I love you .. that I wanted you to live with me forever as My dear wife . . I am so sorry that I did nt realise that you were much more . You could only be much very more to me than someone who is just a wife . You were my friend , My only friend .. . But how could you ..just leave ..Just once when I said ...I love you ..

May be you read much more than words . May be you read a man , Twenty three years old . His passion , His selfishness . . . His stupidities . You were looking for a man , I was still a boy . Your friend I was ..

Are you still the same my friend ....Are you still ..at me ..for wanting you ...destroying everything so fine . so funny about us ..for making you want to move away from you and us

I wish I really could tell that boy . . . make him understand . .that life is not so simple . To make the girl you love understand and accept that fact that it s love ...


It is but too late now , I am too old now , Like I am thirty million years old now and so dead now ..

To revisit the past ..and meet two people , You and me ..To tell us that ...

It is okay . the world wont care , nor would these stars , trees , and morning sunshine . That two people did stupid things . . and were angry at each other for a while . That we can still call , converse , and hug ..

be a man , and you my women . . For you see you se ...i am still the same , the love still remains .. I still cherish..the moments that were we !