There is something really unique about how each sees one s mother . We never ever think about our mother as really beautiful or attractive . we just take for granted even if she was the most beautiful woman in the planet . For us mother is our mother .She does not have existance as anything else than our mother . She must have been young some day . Someone who have caught the fancy of young rowdy men ! just the way some females catch my dream .Often have i heard about young females inquiring about my mother in a very sarcastic way whenever they sense my presense intruding their seeming boundary of privacy . But mother was embodiment of kindness.She is the one individual whom you expect to forgive you for sins even you would not forgive yourself for . Mother was my balm for emptiness. Mother was the only woman in my life well into the late 25 s ..until sheni came to my life !
Just the same way as mother is an influence in your life , so is the influence of the place you grow up . You will never ever see your hometown in terms of its infrastructure devlopment ..or growth potential of industry or job oppurtunity . See i was never a landlord in my hometown . but had loved it as my own blood . There was something charming about Kottarakara.It was may be the unique was my hometown was mentioned in chauvinistic arguements . may be it was the notoriety for which it was dreaded for ..which made me respect my Kottarakara.Or was it the bustand which was the symbol of everybodies teenage expressions of love and frustration!
It was also a place which beared witness to my first experience with love . and perhaps to a certain extent ..life too. A place where i have spent agonizing years to grow up . A place which was suffocating to the extent of almost wanting to get out of there at any cost . A place of my schools , the place where i was cheated into believing True friendship with a piece of shit called Syam . A place where i have learnt to fear god and believe in worship and festivals .A place where i lost my years in sleep and dream and waking slumber
It was all this to all those who lived and died there . First time i came to Chennai was the time i realised that i was really far away from my Kottarakara and sheni . Even though i had studied better part of my college life outside kottarakara..it was always less than 12 hours journey from whereever i was , but chennai was quite far . Far enough to make me feel lonely ,especially with that scumbag Syam ! It was really hard for me to understand his judgement of individuals , His prejudice was infact a very stark contrast for my thoughts and respect i had for him . Have i been cheated ..deceived .But Syam also loved me as a friend ..as someone who would not curse him for being a failure in life .Infact i never considered him a failure , only he was a bit odd. Actually eccentric . Considerable days were made unnoticed by our countless arguements..about begining of life ..our destiny .. universe ..religions ,
....to be continued
Pulling of with ease ! Phew
Many a days i been left with life staring at me like an uninvited guest in party ! I was not exactly the kind of person who would die to find out the meaning of life . But its been very long since i started to wonder why life was so difficult for very normal people . like being pushed from in all directions and pulled from within for all my forward movements .. life was turning out to be a big chaos !
Was intelligence my original curse . Pain is the biggest enemy . But pain has been the evolutionary tool without which we could have no fear of moving towards self destruction and danger .Life have become infinitely complicated for those living with intelligence and understanding ! or has it . i dont think anyone is caring about the end of the world . Its their own ass that everyone is caring ultimately about . Its not how world is facing acute shortage of food and resources .But how we could benefit from an already underresourced condition of the world
Politicians .. the original sin of humanity is appointing persons to take charge of their life and destiny .. and perhaps the direction of future humanity ! Democracy has failed to salvage the human race from a self inflicted path of destruction and decay . How trained was a politician in making decisions which would affect lives of millions.Even for making decisions to save the health of a single individual , we have designed courses spanning better half of an adult life . But that individual who is supposed to make decisions which is influencing the fate of humanity is totally judged by number . How stupid are we the people in choosing hopeless morons to electoral office !
Politics is a choice between bad and the worse ..Having said that ...the bad becomes worse than the worst only for you to realise its already too late . Today i heard that diesel was not available and what was available was being sold for 63 rupees. That is more than anything life is becoming so unbearable for millions of people who are dependant on the fossil fuels . Farmers commiting suicide are a direct result of our blind path towards .. possibly nowhere .
I have spend lions share of my morning hours in reading what i could in newspapers .watching and analysing news ..and reading news analysis. I just could not understand what was happening with my country . Was i taken for a ride by media ! How informed were the media about what was happening to my country . Media is so informative about what is happening .. they have all the point of views . They are such experts in giving definitive opinions . Why cant those who rule be as intelligent atleast to understand those who merely report these events to a clueless public .
Corruption have come to be accepted as a basic fact of life for millions of indians here in INdia ! Even for anyone to do ..his ..her duty .. we need to give money unofficially with such humble obediance that i almost feel like a powerless dog everytime i approach a goverment official . It was almost impossible to be obervant towards all the rules and regulations . It seem designed for Utopia ..which india Never was .never will be and Is right now ..never ..
I have seen movies with protogonist punishing the villians with death for accepting bribes and to a certain extent almost all of them were huge box office hits failing my understanding to grasp the reality of the situation . People were so helpless. They could just not act as individuals endowed with freedom to act ... with individuality and originality ! They are just being reduced to the level of mechanical contrceptions . Working 24 hrs a day ..even in their sleep . they must have forgotten that they were living and breathing ..as humans..as intelligent potential capable of comprehension
Paranoia . .. death destruction and decay ! these words describe what media wants us to believe . This world at the current pace just could not sustain itself much longer . I was going to witness the death of a civilization .. with much pain..agony and utter disbelief !
Suicide of intelligence
I was on production support since 5 am in the morning ! i was supposed to respond immediately to whatever caught the fancy of onsite manager .I was relatively new to the project and i knew only partially about the full funtionality of application.It was simple enough when he explained it over the phone . Confused and apprehensive about my reactions ..i proceeded with whatever little knowledge i had about the system . it was around 7 that i recieved a call from Glandu .. He asked me whether i knew someone called Goerge . Goerge was my collegue and was a very lively and likable personality . I always remembered him for how friendly he was and for all the beautiful girls surrounding him in pantry . He was the sort of person who was very successful in pulling off and image which was friendly as well as influencing , it was through him that i got introduced to many fellow malayalis in my office .... Yah man i know george . I did not know how to react when i was told that Goerge committed suicide. Initial reaction was that of disbelief. It just could not be ! somehow we just could not accept the death of someone very close to us . I was not shocked initially . Infact i just could not come to terms with the death of this guy , I really wished i was dreaming ..and when i wake up things would be fine ! But this was no dream ... this was his ugly reaction to something which definetely did not warrant such sudden arrest of life in him .
I was riding my bike at an unusually high speed . For a moment i felt like crying . But anger and grief had overcome me and i was cursing whatever eventuality which made him do what was so hard for me to believe . i picked up Glandu from luz corner and we went to his room . That was the first time that i went to his room . The way to his room was dimly lit , it was a multi storeyed apartment . Being brought up in a village where there is more space than you could roam your entire life .. i just could not understand how people could live in such closed and constricted spaces . There were rooms ..flats apartments .. more so than air and openspace . There were rooms which did not have any windows too . i wondered where we were all headed . Chennai was a only in its infancy in terms of devloping into a big city but even at this stage i could see the growth of ugliness and helplessness. I never saw anything other than just a mechanical dragging of life in anyone ....anything i saw over there . It was just a nightmare which people in cities have come to accept and .... to my dismay .. even aspire to live and own .Just by the sight of such closed living space .. thoughts of depression and sadness overcame me .
George nor his friends were there . I should have known .. .. i called them up , and came to know that they were having their breakfast . All of them looked so damn expressionless for me to see any reaction in them ! They were really clueless and to a certain extent really upset too with what they were facing at that moment . They told us that they were on the way to the police station . We were asked to go to the Morgue . It was not summer in chennai . But its always hot here . The heat was our atonement .. to our aimless life ... thoughts .. and Now ..an aimless death .
It took me an hour of patient crawling in traffic for me to reach the morgue .The morgue was nothing more than the decaying bodies which it had kept . I wondered how people could behave so ordinary ..in an environment polluted by decay and death . when we first saw the outside of the building , we did not dare enter the building . It was India .. a land whose DNA was imprinted with genes of careless abundance of ignorance . We feared for the sight of my Freinds earthly remains lying there .With all the rationalisation and courage i could manage at that moment .. i went ahead and asked the guy inside with what details i could provide him . He refered to my friend as IT .. Its lying inside the freezer ..
How stupid are we to have hopes and dreams beyond our decaying body ! Where was the life which was my friend. Now he was merely and IT .. it .. not even an animal .. it was just it ! Buddha must have been really sensitive to realise it ! it the it ! our body was just a material reaction .. Millions of cells .. each having its own aim .its own mechanism of existence ..somehow has come together and formed tissues.. tissues have become nations of organs .. all in a wonderfully orchestrated biochemical reactions fathered the imagination of my existance ... Stupid did i feel to the reality of my existance . I was cheated into believing my existance and an entity . Cells which were dying and living constantly in a flux .. in love with each other and chemical environment .. for their sustanance .. have made this complex illusion of having a human life for me ! for him who was now an it !
Did he ended his miseries upon such realisations of his virtual non existance . Did he die out of failing to understand the reason and justification of such cellular conspiracy ! Only an imaginary and masturbatory god Knows .. May be that bastard president Bush knew too !what a fool we all are .. Just tools in the hands of millions of forces making us and killing us each second .. infact each microseconds ! As i stood there with all these thoughts .. i saw his friends .. coming one by one .. similiarly shocked to see the horror of his earthly remains .
It was when i went to his friends room that i had realised the fact that he had left suicide notes . That too four of them ! One was meant for his friends .. one was meant for his parents.. and one was meant for police .. .. and one ...and one was meant for a girl .. Girl .. women .. sex .. the quintessential problem plagueing humanity ever since the separation of human race into two beings with dissimiliar body features . Man s obsession with woman and his dream of utopian relationships . Just a tactic in cellular conspiracy . Blinded are we all with the charm of relationships .. I wondered what part of that girl was making this man end his potential and capablities . Those in love will never agree that they love the womans body for sex . But what else is there in woman which is not there in man . He died for that want of boobs and vagina with a symmetrical face . Just the mathematics of genetics .
Woman are always the object of pride and possesion with giving thought to a living mind inside her body ..done to death is the imagination of illusory love by millions of poets and crazy writers. There was no love . Love is just a deoderant of nature to cover the ugly reality of human lust and want for primordial motion .You fool my friend Goerge .. the IT ..it ..it ..of morgue .. What was she .. but a thought in your mind .. a cellular conspiracy .. a decaying body .. ..boobs and butt of human flesh .. symetry and mathmatics .. a visual sensation . that have overwhelmed you my friend .. My comrade and fellow victim of human tragedy . Dont you worry my friend . Death is not the end of life .. infact it is what feeds life .. what drives evolution ..Death was the father of humanity ..perhaps..But my friend .. death is the very reality of life .. you did not have to hurry yourself so much to death . it was bound to haunt you ...to hunt you ..just you needed to wait for some forty ..fifty years .and fifty years is just a fraction of a second in cosmice timezone !
But a mind driven to desperation by the reality of its deception did not understand the logic of life . So he hanged ..with a bedsheet .. and a ceiling fan .. He killed not himself ..but the hopes and dreams of his parents.. our respect for him .. My dignity for love .. He was a rapist for our faith in him .. and friendship .. and love ..
When i came next day to the office .. it was business as usual ..no one seemed to know or care to know what happened to my friend . Just worried about that day .. and how its going to shape their eternal genetic future !
I fucking cursed the entire humanity for its blindness and slumber .. and was answering my onsite call from manager ! I said everything was working fine with the system !
i remembered George .. as a memory .. as an illusion.. a cellular conspiracy
Today morning ,on my way to office...i saw someone ..who had arrested my attention in that busy juncture where everyone was cursing everyoneelse for doing whatever they did .The one thing about children is that they are all universally attractive . Only when they turned adults that ugliness is born and grown . May be it has to do with all the pollution and its accumulation ..Emotional pollution .. pollution of intelligence ..chemical and physiological pollution .. all have their roles in making trash out of that beautiful flower . i felt a very helpless desperation in that childs face . A look so sad that i had all the rights to burn down the entire universe for having created such empty sadness as i could see in that childs face .
There was a thousand and twenty three things i had to do in my office , i still remember how my fondness for my manager was raped by her ugly angry self nakedness. I just could not bear to have my work unfinished by even ten minutes . I had to reach office in time at anycost if not for anything ..for my peace of mind and the satisfaction of reading about unexpected before your gossip mongering collegue did . I revved up the engine ... but the empty silence i saw in that angel seemed to have made all these thoughts silent along with that of the sounds of chaos . I had frozen and decided to get off the bike and spend some time observing that child . Although i had very uncomfortable time adjusting to the potential of reaching office a bit late , i just could not make myself leave that place . I did not know what to do .
She must be only some 12 years old ..just younger than my neice .In my home my parents had always complaining about how my Neice was always not eating enough . Fed on a staple diet of Cadbury choclate and lays chips .. ordinary food had losts its taste to her growing taste buds . she was intoxicated with cartoons . Totally lost ..and equally cute child of my sister was a very big comfort for me in that lonely home .Beside sheni she was the only one girl that i totally fell in love with ...
But the kind of grace i saw in this child who was standing like a violation in that chaotic road was just too serene to resemble anything i have seen ..felt or could imagine ! i felt like crying out of guilt .. for being alive in a world which could make that child so desperate .. so dirty .. and so filthy in that hot sun .Had she her breakfast . I could see the bones of her face giving them a clear symetry . I just filled petrol for my bike costing atleast some 500 bucks . Shit why did i even use a fucking bike man .. while my angel was out here in road ..dirty .. fucking bastard me !!
i ordered a tea in that stall where i used to smoke every night after a long day .I suddenly saw something ..which made me feel the same way that i used to feel when i get Sheni s call .. the effervessence of happiness slowly returned to my depressed skull ..She was smiling .. infact laughing .it must have been her father .. He dressed like a beggar .but he had a grace in that face hidden in that thick bush of beard . i was sure it was from him that the girl must have got elements of charm which had me bearing the risk of uncomfortable language from my managers ..I stood there feeling thankful to that individual whom i really wish was her real father .. for making me feel less guilty of my Apache RTR and that 500 bucks i spent on fossilized energy .! i had immediately bought a cadburys the same brand that i used to give to my niece .. i had bought two and ran towards the child , She was holding her father s hand .. i felt like touching that guys feet out of respect and awe.
She did not even look at me when i gave her the choclate.. May be she was intimidated.. I have never been very popular for my looks anyway .. But as i was moving towards my junk of tyres and petrol tank , I could feel her happiness ..in my relief ..
Zipping past me was that girl in the office .. Oh my god .. she was not going in the bus.. I really made quite a sound revving up my engine . Hey babe .. wanna ride! i felt relieved to be back to my normal ..animal self !! Divine is so deep man !! phew (sheni being and exception though! )
Stupid and confusing !
Follow the herd and you ll find good grazing ,I have been following the herd ever since i could remember . Right from the days i could not make out what was going on around me .. i was just following others around me infront of me and besides me . and they were following others too. with no one leading the way .. i never really recognised that i was lost too .
and today .. when i woke up at 12 midnight and sensed that feeling of emptiness which had become the quintessence of my life,... i realised how inevitable forward have i come in a path which lead no where but to itself .An unstoppable urge to kill myself was the natural reaction that came to me . I thought of ways to myself . I could hang myself.Use a blade to bleed to death .Or it could be that i could set myself on fire .The more i thought about it . the more absurd it seemed to me . i retired the original lack of originality which had made me faceless in the first place , i decided to postpone my courage to a next opurtune day . That night was sleepless to say the least . i was haunted by formless darkness which seemed to have given face to my fear as i sensed it .I woke through my sleep to a sleeping day as the night turned into dawn .
THat day was no different than any single day that i witnessed. Endless cyles of day and night .. of birth and death .. of hate and love .. of poverty and opulance . i think its is these changes that make us feel that we are growing .. decaying .. and dying .What it would be if there was no movement . no reaction .. just stable ..and you are there to witness it ! quite contradicting i supposed ! i was witnessing what little my senses afforded to me in that dimension . and how really limited was my senses .It failed to assist even me in sensing what i really wanted .
Illusion was a really big part of my life . i tried to define what illusion was , what seemed very real at one point of life has become so utterly insignificant and unreal at some other part of life . May be its due to growth . but may be its due to change . i very often failed to recognise difference between growth and change .
What was i really here for .. in this world . in this form .Eating , sleeping , and doing countless unconscious and insignificant things in between .THere was only one answer ..REPRODUCTION . The allure of reproduction was that helplessly strong drive which i felt was deciding every breath of our whole life .
Being victims of reproduction and intelligence was rendered eunuch by my own excessive sex drive ! i think its especially true for indian male ..especially village .poor males . So Embaressingly frustrated . Nature gave us resources.and we became victims of our own imagination . Laws which ate into what it was protecting . Human dignity . It was unbearable for me to be in the shoes of an exploiter of woman .I could bear any disgust ..but that of being a female torturer . May be its the most profane manner which i saw eve teasers were treated had to do with my outlook .
Having proposed..visually verbally and vocally to more woman that i could count .i decided one thing ..that i would never lose my virginity .Now that was a stigma.So often had i lied so creatively and so desperately trying to be believable .. to myself and to my friends .about my imaginative sexual exploits . To me this sort of lying had reached its limit of raping what little human dignity that i had left in myself .Females indeed were from another planet . But i was really shocked how exceptionally ordinary and downright stupid were indeed these creatures of my (so called dream ha ha ) . I felt a very big and ugly relief everytime somewhere a woman was insulted for her snobish behaviour . i feared elements of mental dysfunction feeding on these frustrations ! i turned to prayer ..to silence .. to my friends who were girls .. but to my confirmations .. they were anything but remotely human ! i think this ought to end if these thoughts would like to sustain themselves in my human flesh ! This torture ... guilt of incestous lust towards fellow humanity was driving me to the verge of self immolition. Failing only due to my equally incompetant courage !
I turned to blogging ..in hope of finding a human soul in female form who could with her wit and intelligence could perhaps share my sense of humour at my plight ! but only found frustrated fellow men . with whom i had the deepest sympathy to be caring of any remote sorts ! How beautiful these fellow beings of kindness. it was indeed Nature s trick .. How else could a creature of intelligence could ever be lured to sacrifice his entire intelligent potential to a mechanical life of breeding children . The very eyes with which i am seeing this deception was designed originally by the one which decieved me .Nature ...
Why the fuck was it so cruel to me ! am i not part of it . All you woman who run from me ! are you and me not part of this solar system ( i smell rotten flesh of embarresment to admit)Lets make free love . I felt like Dr Jakyl and Mr hyde .The quitessential human split Where one half was indeed so genuinely puzzled by seeming deciet by nature .. while other part is trying to materialize the curiousity generated by these insights to garner more attention from other equally curious intelligence in cute female bodies to the ultimate exploits of its drives .How powerful were indeed these opponents who were fed equally on my blood !
May be indeed i am just an insignificant drop of nature s expirement with genetics . HOw cruel of nature .How very ugly was the very mother whose womb i used to sleep into existance !And quite comfortably sleeping ..a sleep of another kind .a sleep from which i could never wake up . I felt i was in such a dream you are stuck in ...in which you just could not wake up and snap out of it . Although resting my hopes on a female form seemed so hoplessly rotting decay of my seeming intelligence , i could not but feel relieved in my memories of sheni! How lovely she was in her waking presence . She was what memories of water was to a man dying in thirst . although it soothes his soul with its memories ,its magnifies his pains on his realization of his inability to have some ..may be just a drop ..or may be just memories .! and he dies having granted his wishes ! That was what sheni and her memories were to me !
What was equally if not more puzzling and frustrating to me was how devoid was the thoughts of lust in my wants for the one i loved ! it was as if .. serene ..out of the world ..unpolluted by reproduction. i cursed religion for creating a sense of shame in me as ingrained as were my hunger and thirst .I guess there indeed is nothing wrong with my body parts ..
Hopeless disgusted and equally frustrated were my realisation of what i saw around me . Sometimes i felt my feeling raped and casterated by what little words i could learn . Nothing.. i felt nothing could really express what i felt inside me ... my frustrations.. my longings .. my sufferings ..remained ingrained in me .Making me what i am .So very inevitably that i just fucking could not do any fucking thing about it .
From confusions ..to blindness to death .. that was where i was headed for ! to infamy to nothingess to decay .. i indeed searched for my ways around these seemingly unsurpassable realities around me .Knowing perfectly well how ladden were my boat ...sinking too .. in a sea of unknown ..unknowable .. Blindness and darkness
Words of the song reverberated in my death ..calling my lovers .. my parents ..my very last dying breath .. Gurucharanam saranam ..gurucharanam saranam ! Means i surrender to my guru ..the unknown .. the darkness the confusions .... his feet my solace .
Girlfriends or lack of it !
One of the biggest challenge in the 21st century living it seems besides rising consumptions and falling resources ...is ...actually being a bachelor and without a girlfriend.Girlfriends rather lack of it has become the centre point of my recent conversations , i was really being sick of how obssessed i was becoming with the whole concept of having a member of opposite sex having insanely attachments with me
My whole effort to find one started right in the ripe age of kindergarden ! Where i had proposed to my school teacher . What i had in my mind was something totally different from how things turned out ! my naive senses were only waking to the complexities of human relations and to a very large extent movies fashioned my outlook about life and adults . Its really sick how south indian cinema that i was exposed to was really about only one subject .. LOVE . you had all varieties of love and the whole industry was only interested it seemed to me in one thing .. How to show the same boy meets girl fall in love story with some difference .. some had great song .. some had different locations ..background .but it all was focussed on only one thing .. LOVe .. the one film whose influence to which i succumbed my growing days was a film called Daisy ! When i watch it today . i really fail to recognise what part in that depressing film was that which caught my attention ! but it was a tender age . My tastes were not ripe enough to recognise the wine from sour grapes .Having watched it over on a depressing sunday evening , i was starting to relate with the charectors and so badly wanted to emulate the protogonist of that movie . It was so sad none of them girls who were educated along with me never really represented even remotely to the elements of beauty that i saw in the female lead which so enchanted me .It was in the second hour of the afternoon class did i see that my mathematics teacher had had distant similiarity in voice with my dream girl ! I was not even mature enough to be shocked at that time .
While i was so innocently chasing girls .. they were all chasing something much bigger ,.. life ! their ambitions .. big desires and hopes .. of material affluene and worldly influence .. their chase was too fast and involving to be seeing my naive outlook . And at the end of school i was almost a fool among the people who were running after illusory dreams . Having lost my dignity to blind people , my description of colours made as little sense to them as their dream to me !
It was at that time that i must have felt the most intense loneliness , i think its better to be lonely than to be terrible in people s company . but mind and thoughts would never leave me alone . like a billion bees constantly stinging each inch our your tenderest skin, my thoughts were continously torturing me with its search for my valour !
It was around that time ..that i saw sheni ! So pristine was she in my dream . while my eyes were peeled ! She was a darkness i need to hide myself and my ugliness . A crystall so pure that i smelt sweet to my tasteless tongue . A song so divine that i could hear my voice sung and my father too . She was a womb ready to accomodate the childish innocence in me ! and I cried ..
I wept ..
and killed myself ..
When i learnt that .. it was her parents blind hopes and ambitions .. which was living inside her earthly form . She was not human .. just a materialistion of her Fathers dream to gain respect and dignity in a shameless world ! And indeed she was stuffed with hatred .. lust and insecurity of a man haunted by his own greed.
I stood so supremely alone without a girlfriend .
Without possessing or being possesed
without hurting or being hurt
But fuck ..it really sux when you see yourself lonely in front of a pub on a saturday man ! he he
Ever since i heard of adsense I been wanting To make money out it,Numerous strategies have been said about making and creating traffic and i did tried numerous of them ! but to my dismay most of them did not work,
Everyday i would so look into the account of adsense in google , only to find the figure of zero without any prefix staring at me like my frustrated efforts to make money . Money money money ... its honey in a rich mans world. I think this world has made man invisible , its about what you have and what you can earn .Show me the money honey ! thats what the adage goes is nt it. May be its a mirage that everyone could get what they want.
I tried to fill my frustrated attempts with philosophical insights . Eckhart tolle... Osho .. among the numerous refuges that i seeked solace .I tried to justify my existance without ample cushions of material wealth with spiritual meanings. I am no buddha to have been born with a platinum spoon in my mouth . And the more i interacted with the world the more i realised that .. true love and simple life was dead and decaying with bones of dinosaurs .
Many a times i felt like a puppet of my drives, my subconscious desires played me like a flute . and i was driven to restlessness.Where is peace . incessant activites of my mind made me helpless victim of my own torture. I wish i had a switch to turn off mental activites .
i think the biggest byproduct of post modern city life is the frustrations of people who believe in a fairy tail life ,i think someone should tell that toothfairy was raped and her corpse was feeding corporate dogs .what indeed is the solutions for my frustrations . I turned to blogging in the vain effort of finding similiar minds/voices.Infact the the only ray of hope in the helpless times is to find groups of lonely people .
Loneliness is a curse and child of competition . i think in our fight for survival , we have forgotten the basic fact of impermenance of life. its like a traveller who have forgotten his destination half way along the journey seeking help of people who are equally lost if not more confused .
I think george Bush that bastard american president was my biggest hope . I really liked his administration of global terror. He was a kind messiah who made it easy for third world countries with an easy solution of quick destruction and death . I think he is just a reactionary jerk .
What indeed is the solution of my existential problems . Sheni . my lover.. my dream since the dawn of my conscious day . looked like a person who can solve hardest of confusions.i called her after a long time. fully drunk and hardly able to comprehend or control what i was even thinking .. But to my dismay .. i found her attending the call and responding with poise and maturity with a dose of wit and comfort .. which made me ashamed of myself in that drunken state.. she was a child ..as naive and pure as my thoughts of prayer and peace . i did not remember the words that i had with her in that conversation which salvaged my sleepless nights. but a feeling of comfort had soothed my pains . She was a balm for my wounded hopes.
But she was an equally confused traveller ..thirsty and helpless as i was .. Driven was she to the verge of cluelessness by an equally helpless family who were forced to make every conversation end in plans of marrying her off to a rich and powerful man who would do them proud .
I could not blame anyone but a sperm out of millions which was shot in my mothers womb . i think even those sperms must have been helpless . Driven were they by a primordial drive .. Drive for existance.. drive for life .. drive for more permenance..drive for metamorphosis.. drive for..........death ..
Death seemed an illusion to me! even death was powerless in teaching humans the value of life for which his intelligence was designed for . i think intelligence or rather the lack of it is the original sin and curse !
Blind hope.. just blind and thoughtless and logicless hope .. make me sleep through another day .. into and eternally confused path towards my desire to exist with reason and justification!
How to make money ! ?
Hmm ..how to make money without adsense .. this should be easy .. beg ..borrow ..steal! but seriously .as is heard in a very popular song , the rich is getting richer ,and poor is getting poorer .is nt it ?
The world is getting very complex nowadays ..and the old adage which says information is wealth could not be more apt considering our situation !
Its all about knowing the right thing , at right time and using it to your right advantage . When i started to hear about adsense , i was really excited , and for the right reason , my friend was showing me many ways articles where users had made a lot of money of adsense , anyone would be tempted as so was I , i too started a blog of my own and published it to small group of friends , updated everyday with whatever deemed suited and like a patient parent waited it to grow .. to my frustration i was seeing that although i was getting a lot of hits , the earning through adsense remained same ,,nil! I tried several other similiar advertising programs. but nothing much helped me .
My dream remained distant , and all i could think about was to revive my father business .. that of selling sweets . i just could nt make myself to the fact that i be selling sweets to cornershops . that too after having done my Masters in university campus itself . then i slowly learned to accept the fact that .its the money you earn and not the person you are which make society respect yourself , So what i did ,, i just refreshed on my jilebi making and cycling skills .. and after about two months of hardwork i was as good as my father in making sweets . i gradually began to love my work !
Love and respect for what you do is the key to your success in any field , but there are indeed some fields which just kicks in your bottom like adsense though . so what s the key to making money as easy as does adsense is ? i really wish i knew .. it all really depends on perception . i think love for what you do makes things easier for you to work on , i mean if you love what you do .. then what you do stops being so hard on you .
jokes apart , i tried some alternative business methods . Growing spirulina is actually a very good option you know , Try growing spirulina .. depending on its demand in you local market , you could earn upto 30 K permonth i have been earning upto 20 k per month
My place that is what it is .The geographic location in earth where i grew up into what i was. It was more than just a place in the map ( although i really found it very hard to ever find it in any map ,I wondered if this was listed in any significant maps-May be one of uncharted panchayats of India)
I believe that Gandhi said that Villages were the soul of India , India was so full of villages , everywhere you go it was just villages . I wondered what a village was ,I was told that my home town , Kottarakara was a village ! When i was a child i was told that places employing bullock carts were definetly villages . So a bullock was causing my homtown to be marred of the status of City .
City was something alien to me at that time . The biggest city which i have seen that time was Trivandrum .Trivandrum was the capital of kerala . I still have trouble understanding the reason why they must have made that city the capital . That place hardly resembles anything modern . to me now .. i think trivandrum just makes me think of it as a very big village if anything .
But Kottarakara was totally different . Eventhough it was very worst than even Trivandrum in terms of infrastructure devlopment , i still had thought of Kottarakara with highest regards .May be it has all to do with the very modern looking individuals and what they must have made me think ! LOL .. but what really makes it modern are the kottarakara girls !! Muslim girls muslim girls..the hindu girls hindu girls.. and the christian girls christian girls .. i am not saying that i believe in religion at all . i am a strict agnostic . For me religions is your very breath .not something you label yourself with , what i am trying to communicate here is that girls from each community had a thread of common traits which really set the apart from each other . I always had a special crush on muslim girls . They seemed so mysterious . I think mystery is the sacred . If it was not for a feeling of mystery i think peotry would have been long dead . Man must feel mysterious about any and everything !
So what made my Kottarakara so special except for these Individuals . May be the railwaystation . Yeah the railwaystation ! WOW what a bloody wonderful place , The place where i learnt to inhale fumes of tobacco , the place where i was introduced to the sacred sect of porn watchers .. the place which was so surrounded by vegetations that it was always in twilight even at the peak of a summer afternoon . I really wished to spend some time there with someone i loved..the trouble always being to find her being able to swallow my looks !
Oh how can i miss the bustand ! our main bird santuary . The central station which was a hub for all international love trafficking . i have seen birth and death of so many love stories in that bustation . It was not exactly a very neat place .Infact it was even scary after night . but it was a place which people landed so inevitably due to their everyday needs to travel to place of work .study .. It was beautiful (i m not sure if all the girls would say the same)
Did i miss something .. aah .. our own venugopal theatre .. It was a place which was an exclusive premeire for all international movies . But speciality being movies featuring actors and mainly actresses in a compromising situation ! yeah porn man porn ! i was so scared to go to the theatre for the first time .. so often did i go to the very gate only to be turned back after seeing someone remotely familiar. it was hell man .. i mean my father was a businessman . and literally he was very famous guy .. so i found it so hard and exciting to be able to see a show without having this discussed as a hot topic the next day . And more out of frustration i am sure , i just went inside one day .. after the show had started .. it was a french movie . and extremely artistic i must admit !! phew.. talk about nostalgia !! he he !
And the bars were always really cheap . I am not saying that they are very cheap but you could buy what little quantity you want and have it in peace of mind in a good ambeince !! and good food too ! .
Having said all this .. there are a few things that i really dont like very much about kottarakara ! first .. snobbish people !!
Second .. Parents of very attractive girls and their animosity with me
and thirds and final .. the KOTTARAKARA POLICE DEPARTMENT (very ugly )
India as a tourist destination
I have been born and to some extent brought up in a place called india ! i never felt very special about being in India ! i think its like einstein said ! I mean theory of relativity . Its all about comparing with someone /something else that you know your real size , in that way when i compared my country with poorer african cousins , i thought i was lucky to have been born here in india
But that is not always the way our mind works is it , i still remember the first time cable television came to my house , it was a visual and sensory assault . Till that time we had something called doordarshan ! and once in a week usually on sunday , we had a movie , the sunday movie session was a treat to the entire family ! it was like a small get together , everyone would gather around and watched it with great pride and joy ! our family was among the first in our nieghbourhood to have a colour television not because we were particularly rich ,but because my father was like a movie addict, i heard once that he used to go to several different movies on same day when he got chances !We really used to cherish those movies , sometimes they put really bad movies , but we had not choice but to curse the manager of that programe , watched it nonetheless . But cable television was totally different , we have so many different channels showing contents varying from news to sports to songs all the time. It was really nice to see songs . I think we indians are addicted to music . I really wondered why most of the song sequences were shot abroad in scenic locales . And then .it was the english movie channels which gave me the first few glimpses of life outside a country of mine
But None of these quite blown my mind away like the way i have seen the travel shows in dicovery channels . It was quite magical . the music ,the intimate way the host describes her journeys . i think the name of the show was lonely planet . The show was a very high quality production, the poeple will not feel like i am watching something cheap . I felt proud to be able to understand what was being communicated . and even prouder by what i saw as awe of the show anchors for what they saw in india . Although the foriegn locales were equally breath taking . the shows which featured India was particularly of great interest for me ! i used to miss some quarterly exams even to catch a show which was retelecasted !! and not feel guilty about it too ! what can i say . And i almost fell in love with the show anchor , i decided that when i grow old enough i will go in search of her quite the way she used to come to India .. but having already grown old enough and dawning of enlightenment about the reality of what i look like , i easily gave up that hope !
I believe that it was on a wednesday afternoon that i saw that show which featured Varkala ! WOwW .. varkala was a golden beach . I was always very nostalgic about varkala , i felt the same for Varkala as i felt for my first schoold crush ! but this was even more beautiful , it was as if i was watching something i did not see, Magic of camera made Varkala seem like something out of my dream , Lens captured the morning sun like a gentle caress from heaven . That was pure poetry on part of Discovery , what they did to that place and how it came out on show . I wanted to kiss the host !
I really believe its a lot about how you see things , when you have so many things going on in your mind , you really miss your everyday charm , you just roam like a theif being chased by police . Only when i saw my home town depicted in technicolour did i see how really and truly amazing it was . I just took for granted the beauty and elegance of my mother until i was reminded by a poet about her natural grace . I felt blessed that i graced her womb . my mother .. my india !
adsense is hoax
I personally have experienced that adsense a very big hoax as well as a threat , i dont know from where the money is getting generated , I mean just when you search the internet you will be listed tens and thousands of postings promising to teach you how to cheat adsense , that itself will tell you for example how popular is it is a notion that adsense is something that can very easily be misused , there is nt much to adsense except for the media hype
so what makes adsense so attractive to people .. well that must be easy to guess .. easy money ofcourse . not every one wants to do somthing worthwhile for their money , i think that google has been very successful in fooling people into believe that it is indeed successful business model to have people use ads in webpages to do some real and fruitful business for them , i think it should go bust any time soon . Virtually everyone who is any one having some basic understanding on internet wants to make money of the internet . there is no big future in the internet , the way things are going , our market got so very complicated that we are not producing anything of value
There is a gradual phenomenon of a decrease in production of valuable and worthy resources , that is why we are facing an acute food shortage , we are moving away from our basic needs . Being a very socially advanced animals .. we dont even have the basic foresights to see our own doom fueled by our insipid shortsighted devlopment !
I have two words for anyone interested in making money of adsense .. grow up and get a job .. if not plant some trees ,.. farm Lets make money ..by making something that is of value .. not cheat people of their valuable efforts