Stupid and confusing !
Follow the herd and you ll find good grazing ,I have been following the herd ever since i could remember . Right from the days i could not make out what was going on around me .. i was just following others around me infront of me and besides me . and they were following others too. with no one leading the way .. i never really recognised that i was lost too .
and today .. when i woke up at 12 midnight and sensed that feeling of emptiness which had become the quintessence of my life,... i realised how inevitable forward have i come in a path which lead no where but to itself .An unstoppable urge to kill myself was the natural reaction that came to me . I thought of ways to myself . I could hang myself.Use a blade to bleed to death .Or it could be that i could set myself on fire .The more i thought about it . the more absurd it seemed to me . i retired the original lack of originality which had made me faceless in the first place , i decided to postpone my courage to a next opurtune day . That night was sleepless to say the least . i was haunted by formless darkness which seemed to have given face to my fear as i sensed it .I woke through my sleep to a sleeping day as the night turned into dawn .
THat day was no different than any single day that i witnessed. Endless cyles of day and night .. of birth and death .. of hate and love .. of poverty and opulance . i think its is these changes that make us feel that we are growing .. decaying .. and dying .What it would be if there was no movement . no reaction .. just stable ..and you are there to witness it ! quite contradicting i supposed ! i was witnessing what little my senses afforded to me in that dimension . and how really limited was my senses .It failed to assist even me in sensing what i really wanted .
Illusion was a really big part of my life . i tried to define what illusion was , what seemed very real at one point of life has become so utterly insignificant and unreal at some other part of life . May be its due to growth . but may be its due to change . i very often failed to recognise difference between growth and change .
What was i really here for .. in this world . in this form .Eating , sleeping , and doing countless unconscious and insignificant things in between .THere was only one answer ..REPRODUCTION . The allure of reproduction was that helplessly strong drive which i felt was deciding every breath of our whole life .
Being victims of reproduction and intelligence was rendered eunuch by my own excessive sex drive ! i think its especially true for indian male ..especially village .poor males . So Embaressingly frustrated . Nature gave us resources.and we became victims of our own imagination . Laws which ate into what it was protecting . Human dignity . It was unbearable for me to be in the shoes of an exploiter of woman .I could bear any disgust ..but that of being a female torturer . May be its the most profane manner which i saw eve teasers were treated had to do with my outlook .
Having proposed..visually verbally and vocally to more woman that i could count .i decided one thing ..that i would never lose my virginity .Now that was a stigma.So often had i lied so creatively and so desperately trying to be believable .. to myself and to my friends .about my imaginative sexual exploits . To me this sort of lying had reached its limit of raping what little human dignity that i had left in myself .Females indeed were from another planet . But i was really shocked how exceptionally ordinary and downright stupid were indeed these creatures of my (so called dream ha ha ) . I felt a very big and ugly relief everytime somewhere a woman was insulted for her snobish behaviour . i feared elements of mental dysfunction feeding on these frustrations ! i turned to prayer ..to silence .. to my friends who were girls .. but to my confirmations .. they were anything but remotely human ! i think this ought to end if these thoughts would like to sustain themselves in my human flesh ! This torture ... guilt of incestous lust towards fellow humanity was driving me to the verge of self immolition. Failing only due to my equally incompetant courage !
I turned to blogging ..in hope of finding a human soul in female form who could with her wit and intelligence could perhaps share my sense of humour at my plight ! but only found frustrated fellow men . with whom i had the deepest sympathy to be caring of any remote sorts ! How beautiful these fellow beings of kindness. it was indeed Nature s trick .. How else could a creature of intelligence could ever be lured to sacrifice his entire intelligent potential to a mechanical life of breeding children . The very eyes with which i am seeing this deception was designed originally by the one which decieved me .Nature ...
Why the fuck was it so cruel to me ! am i not part of it . All you woman who run from me ! are you and me not part of this solar system ( i smell rotten flesh of embarresment to admit)Lets make free love . I felt like Dr Jakyl and Mr hyde .The quitessential human split Where one half was indeed so genuinely puzzled by seeming deciet by nature .. while other part is trying to materialize the curiousity generated by these insights to garner more attention from other equally curious intelligence in cute female bodies to the ultimate exploits of its drives .How powerful were indeed these opponents who were fed equally on my blood !
May be indeed i am just an insignificant drop of nature s expirement with genetics . HOw cruel of nature .How very ugly was the very mother whose womb i used to sleep into existance !And quite comfortably sleeping ..a sleep of another kind .a sleep from which i could never wake up . I felt i was in such a dream you are stuck in ...in which you just could not wake up and snap out of it . Although resting my hopes on a female form seemed so hoplessly rotting decay of my seeming intelligence , i could not but feel relieved in my memories of sheni! How lovely she was in her waking presence . She was what memories of water was to a man dying in thirst . although it soothes his soul with its memories ,its magnifies his pains on his realization of his inability to have some ..may be just a drop ..or may be just memories .! and he dies having granted his wishes ! That was what sheni and her memories were to me !
What was equally if not more puzzling and frustrating to me was how devoid was the thoughts of lust in my wants for the one i loved ! it was as if .. serene ..out of the world ..unpolluted by reproduction. i cursed religion for creating a sense of shame in me as ingrained as were my hunger and thirst .I guess there indeed is nothing wrong with my body parts ..
Hopeless disgusted and equally frustrated were my realisation of what i saw around me . Sometimes i felt my feeling raped and casterated by what little words i could learn . Nothing.. i felt nothing could really express what i felt inside me ... my frustrations.. my longings .. my sufferings ..remained ingrained in me .Making me what i am .So very inevitably that i just fucking could not do any fucking thing about it .
From confusions ..to blindness to death .. that was where i was headed for ! to infamy to nothingess to decay .. i indeed searched for my ways around these seemingly unsurpassable realities around me .Knowing perfectly well how ladden were my boat ...sinking too .. in a sea of unknown ..unknowable .. Blindness and darkness
Words of the song reverberated in my death ..calling my lovers .. my parents ..my very last dying breath .. Gurucharanam saranam ..gurucharanam saranam ! Means i surrender to my guru ..the unknown .. the darkness the confusions .... his feet my solace .
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Posted by suresh kumar