Girlfriends or lack of it !
One of the biggest challenge in the 21st century living it seems besides rising consumptions and falling resources ...is ...actually being a bachelor and without a girlfriend.Girlfriends rather lack of it has become the centre point of my recent conversations , i was really being sick of how obssessed i was becoming with the whole concept of having a member of opposite sex having insanely attachments with me
My whole effort to find one started right in the ripe age of kindergarden ! Where i had proposed to my school teacher . What i had in my mind was something totally different from how things turned out ! my naive senses were only waking to the complexities of human relations and to a very large extent movies fashioned my outlook about life and adults . Its really sick how south indian cinema that i was exposed to was really about only one subject .. LOVE . you had all varieties of love and the whole industry was only interested it seemed to me in one thing .. How to show the same boy meets girl fall in love story with some difference .. some had great song .. some had different locations ..background .but it all was focussed on only one thing .. LOVe .. the one film whose influence to which i succumbed my growing days was a film called Daisy ! When i watch it today . i really fail to recognise what part in that depressing film was that which caught my attention ! but it was a tender age . My tastes were not ripe enough to recognise the wine from sour grapes .Having watched it over on a depressing sunday evening , i was starting to relate with the charectors and so badly wanted to emulate the protogonist of that movie . It was so sad none of them girls who were educated along with me never really represented even remotely to the elements of beauty that i saw in the female lead which so enchanted me .It was in the second hour of the afternoon class did i see that my mathematics teacher had had distant similiarity in voice with my dream girl ! I was not even mature enough to be shocked at that time .
While i was so innocently chasing girls .. they were all chasing something much bigger ,.. life ! their ambitions .. big desires and hopes .. of material affluene and worldly influence .. their chase was too fast and involving to be seeing my naive outlook . And at the end of school i was almost a fool among the people who were running after illusory dreams . Having lost my dignity to blind people , my description of colours made as little sense to them as their dream to me !
It was at that time that i must have felt the most intense loneliness , i think its better to be lonely than to be terrible in people s company . but mind and thoughts would never leave me alone . like a billion bees constantly stinging each inch our your tenderest skin, my thoughts were continously torturing me with its search for my valour !
It was around that time ..that i saw sheni ! So pristine was she in my dream . while my eyes were peeled ! She was a darkness i need to hide myself and my ugliness . A crystall so pure that i smelt sweet to my tasteless tongue . A song so divine that i could hear my voice sung and my father too . She was a womb ready to accomodate the childish innocence in me ! and I cried ..
I wept ..
and killed myself ..
When i learnt that .. it was her parents blind hopes and ambitions .. which was living inside her earthly form . She was not human .. just a materialistion of her Fathers dream to gain respect and dignity in a shameless world ! And indeed she was stuffed with hatred .. lust and insecurity of a man haunted by his own greed.
I stood so supremely alone without a girlfriend .
Without possessing or being possesed
without hurting or being hurt
But fuck ..it really sux when you see yourself lonely in front of a pub on a saturday man ! he he
Girlfriends or lack of it !