Somebody Stop Adsense !!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Chennai -Adsense and fate
On a saturday evening , Being so terribly and horribly single, taking a stroll on the Beasent Nagar beach , You could see millions , yah literally billions of couples , hand in hand . Browsing shops , having what little could be afforded by their pocket money .But they all indulged in teasing me ..Quinessentially and existentially teasing the reality of my existance as a bachelor being satisfied only by images and videos of mating and dating ! Jealousy..there is no cure for that emotional AIDS i suppose.

Enough was enough , I so desperately wanted a girlfriends ..Now what makes an individual my girlfriend so unique ! i had many friends who also happen to be girls . But there was nothing female about them . Yeah i had good times with them . Even the best time and chat with them . But at the end f the day , they all sounded like myself .May be an extension of my thought or something . There was not at anypoint any singular element in their conversation which had even remotely indicated that they had any trace of female hormones running through their blood . Yeah ..they all loved male stars who were boyish . Yeah they shared their interest in Cooking .But man .. they just were so Masculine and so unbearable in their conversation .May be they dont excite me sexually !

Yah that s it ..Eureka ! YEP sex was the one thing with which i should be able to recognise the one who is my girl friend. Sex is something which is taken for granted by so many of them lucky teenagers endowed with good looks , Pocket money and Their Dads ferrari with petrol ladden enough to give shivers to any pretty thing on short skirt and waxed legs ! But me ..being part of a clan of suckers who would lose their virginity one day before they reach impotency !! i mean male menopause or something na !! Sex was what you would see only in Cathode ray tubes ..and in Pictures ..The stuff dreams and nightmares were made of ! The thing you did to yourself when excitment is unbearable ! I dont have anything to do with sex.I hope they marry me off soon the next five year or something .but by then i would sure to lose all my excitment with sex .and i am sure my loss of excitment would surely benefit my frustrated wife on the look out for youngthings on Pulsors and cycles while i am out in office chugging aways codes and codes of mind numbingly useless programs ! But i had no rights to feel offended .It was a fantasy of mine till i turned to 18 to sleep with those pretty mammas who neighboured our home while their husbands who must have lost thier virginity on age of 40 worked abroad and enriched India s foreign exchange rates ..albiet marginally

Enough was enough ! Its almost twenty six years now since i stepped out of womb ..and almost 10 years since i had experienced my first ejaculation .still it was seeing only the impression of my palm my dear thing down under . Its time that i finally got its due ..I needed a girl friend .

I felt like that stupid Senthil asking Manisha Koirala ...what he lacked that Kamal hasan had ! Yeah logically he was correct only and when you switch off the light i dont think there would be much of a difference between kamal hasan and senthil ...not as much as there is between a ferrari and Mini without petrol! they are just both junk wieghts ...Yah what was wrong with me ! when you switch of the lights that is ! Hmm...i guess nothing

But still i never been a babe magnet .May be it got to do with the place that i am coming from . I always beleived that Kottarakara was a place which groomed morons and politicians .Virtually everyone was trapped in a virtual emotional blindness .The only conversation elders had with youngsters was only about when they are going to school .. what job ..what course ..yeah ..there were some occasional messengers of god ..willing only to exploit our helplessness and social condition . Yeah man .. Kottarakara . Small town with a smaller attitude ,hmm..that definetely caused some anxiety sydrome in me in the way it had always made me feel smaller than i really am . But i was brilliant as a student (atleast i wish to think that way) i had always passed exams without fail . Sometimes i even managed to top the class..And what big mouth i had .I could just about say anything to anyone without caring where i was or whom i was speaking to

Yeah that s it ..I just need to go out there and talk ..Open my mouth and leave it to magic .And that is how i lost my first teeth which inevitably made me visually challenging for onlookers for more than the first glance to look at ! Nowadays even dogs are being scared to look at me for more than five minutes . Talk about symmetry and genetics !! I mean i was perfectly okay with my smile .But the brother of the first girl to whom i proposed after the realisation and confidence of my new found trust in my speaking talents , I had casually just mentioned to Blessy that i was wildly attracted to her and i would not mind having to sleep with her ..Initially she just was speechless . Then she had slapped me ..I should have known that her slap was only a sign of things to come.Just a trailer and teaser before the realy super duper hit ..her brother would stop my M80 and would thrash me in the middle of the road ..

Gandhi must have been a moron to have suggested that you show your other cheek when you are slapped . I showed it and got a bigger slap . I was hoping so desperately that i would not repeat my experience with the one who was smiling at me across the cafe bar ..Was she really smiling at me ! naa .. may be laughing .She must be an oracle ..She must have read through my incessant frustrations .. She was having a cruel joke about me in her mind . What a schmuck i must be ! she must have thought on similiar lines . Okay ... so far so good ! but there was something reassuring to me about the way she looked at me .never at once had she taken her glimpse from me. I think she has this twisted taste know wierd taste .. Not everyone likes to eat raw fish .. rotten eggs ..but there are some people who really love it ..There are even people who would eat tube lights and nails . May be she was just a wierdo trapped in a beautiful female booty !

What the hell , I was ready to take my chance . I mean .. what i got to lose . I lost the better part of my dignity wheni made an arse of myself in front of a class nearing 80 females on a monsoon day when i realised my zipper was open , and i was wearing a torn underwear ..gloriously revealing my most darkest and ugliest secrets . Not a single female dared to look at any direction in which i was coming ! but that was okay ..Past is past and it had helped me exhaust what little illusion i had about my dignity . Having had enough bad taste in cofee shops which served Cuppucino . I just went inside and ordered a Coke

Yeah was so obvious She was looking at me only . I was slowly sipping my coke . I would so casually and so stealthly return her looks with mine ..the way i looked had always been very ugly and untasteful . Wait a minute .. she stood up ,....still looking at me ! Wow wonderful . I did nt knew what to do when i sensed that she was slowly walking towards me ! It was a rainy day and i was sitting in an airconditioned room and still i could feel the sweat running down my forehead . Yah ..she was walking towards me . What was wrong with today .. everything was going so right . I wished i had bought a lottery ticket . i was sure i would win the first prize .

This is just not possible . She was almost three feets from where i was sitting and still looking and walking towards me . This was too much . and i was sure that she was coming for a different reason . May be to pay the bill . May be because she had left something near my seat . I just took out my mobile .There was no calls messages for me . Yet i just fiddled with it as if i was having the most important call of my life.

The way i smiled at her when she said hi .. that will go down in my pathetic history as the most embaressinly ugly and uninviting smile EVER. I mean it was as pathetic and unimaginative as my copied love letters that i gave to every third female that i met ! To my surprise she so gracefully accepted my smile and asked whether she could sit next to me and if i was expecting some one !

This better be real , i hoped . She introduced herself as Shabnam . Now wait a minute . That was something i remembered ! yah Shabnam . But i just could not remember who she really was . She was somewhat upset .on my failure to express some immediate shock or surprise on meeting her on that day at that place .Oh but ofcourse .. Faiz s sister !

She have been there in chennai ever since i landed in this shittly place . She had recognised me from long distance . Now this really shattered all my new found vigour and confidence of my looks . I was really expressionless in the next half an hour dull and dragging conversation with her . It was the most lifeless few minutes that i could ever spent with anyone . Faiz was always very cruel to me ! He even beat me up once and blue . I was sure he would enjoy beating me up again .. for the most silliest of reasons . Some how all the appeal and charm that i saw in Shabnam .. was immediately distilled when she mentioned Faiz . What was i thinking !

Back in my room , I was doing what i did best ! posting ads on adsense . I was sure that i would lose my virginity one day . One day before my impotency and just an hour before i am hunted by erectile dysfunction .Till that time i had adsense .. and some Debonair to comfort me !

Life sux man ! so how do i live with it !! i just lie !! you know untruth !! dreams !! phone sex !! now get out of here and get me some nice girls

Adsense My A@#@

First money -Fast money- Adsense
Its as if the world has been obsessively compulsively disordered by one single factor which unites all of its humanity to a common and singular aim in life ! that of making money ..heaps of it .. large chunks and tons of it !They are willing to do anything for paper with Goverment seal of transaction on it .Murder , Rape , Roconnaissance .Comedy , acting ! WHat not ! some are even Presidents for the want and assurance of money

Very rare and few are not comparetively obsessed about money , They are lunatics.and are locked up in Prisons .or misunderstood and stoned . Worse become Icons and called saints . What is so magical about money !

There was a period in my life where i was not so much Obsessed in life about money ! Who am i , ah i forgot to introduce myself na! okay I am Papz . People also call me Krishna . Of the people who call me Krishna , very few i Promote..Like one female called Afrida ! .. Hmm..that period was the time i had spent in nurturing thoughts of making myself creatively available for fellow conniosuers of art and fine things in life .Days and night were so magical and young as well as enchanting .life was nothing short of infinite possibilities.where there was enough time to sleep without guilt and enough food to be eaten without worrying about time or guilt of getting fat . where the most immediate worry was about the mark you may score in the next exam ..or at worse about your next tactic to impress someone who was pissed of so badly during the last time that she refuse to even look at your face even when you are staring point blank at her for the whole day .

I really wondered how humans could change over the years. experience really shapes their personality in ways unfathomable . And after we achieve things more often than not loses their importance . and you almost feel sorry for having lost even the most insignificant things in life .Strange yet more factual than it is fictional !

College was really funny . I really wondered how i could propose to so many girls at so frequent an interval . Being a small college , you almost end up knowing even the blade of grass by Name by the third week you have cofee with them ! But small it was only in numbers . But complexities ... Each individual was an enormous enigma in the ways which left me confused about what they really wanted.One thing..only this much was sure for me ..that every single individual who looked at me must have found something interesting in me ! my Body ..face .. non existant Biceps .

It would not be criminally dishonest if i say that it was more curiousity than hormones which had driven my initial pull towards the girls .And ofcourse . it was considered sort of an image building excercise to say the very least to have atleast someone of opposite sex wildly interested in you . It was at that time that it had occured to me that the Black bombshell Afrida was very obviously single . I mean she was virtually the only one who was ever not engaged with conversation or with telephone over message.Besides She had a silence which had made him assured that she was lonely .

It s always funny when you are not introduced to a girl , and you are wildly interested in her . You do very desperate things to get her attention and years of wisdom so painfully grows along the guilt of having done something incredibly stupid . I mean retarded stuff ..stuff even santaclaus would not do on a christmas day ! Hmm.. i m talking about the way i proposed to her ..or sort of . some crazy ass has told me that she liked Choclate very much . I too have heard that females are wildly attracted to choclate ..and common .. For ages it has been known as a best aphrodesiac . So i tried my luck with Choclate . And i bought lots of it . Literally , I have exhausted the last bit of my pocket money on the best available choclate in the canteen . Hardly had they anything more expensive than could be afforded by Poor students on a diet decided by budget . So i could not buy any expensive choclate . i had to do with Numbers .Where quality is lacking i will do with quantity . She could have lots of it the whole load of it . She could have till she puked ..or sort of !!

Knowing that she would leave to ooty next half an hour a sudden sense of urgency and panic had stuck my mind ! Hardly was it few one kilometer from where i was and from where she would board the bus . And the moron in the canteen was less than able to put the choclates in the packet which would attract even my grandmother ! And this was too huge and investment not to fructify . I just had to do with a Polythene cover .The one which i used to feel so embarressed to take it out to market on a deserted sunday afternoon even ! I cursed among the few ..George W Bush for my plights that day . Hmm any ways ..the choclates was somewhat attractive . atleast i hoped so .

I never knew that i could run so fast . May be it was the choclates were feeding my nerves .Apetiser of soul may be even ! I could see her coming from far . She had a few bags and few ugly bags ..uglier friends .I always had hated Afrida s friends . I thought they were the ones who had currupted her to accepting and appreciating American Nuclear policies . I was till panting under the tree as she was walking towards me . would she kiss me in the lips for buying all the Choclates in that shop .One in each variety !or would she kiss me in the soul with her silence and teasing enchanting smile ! I did not know

I always was amazed how silent and confidant she was even while i was trembling myself for having run out of good humour !I just stood thier like an idiot .I had to talk about the weather and had to ask her the most cliche questions like where she is headed .She must have thought i was somekind of freak for asking such obvious and stupid unimaginative questions.

My very violent sprints failed the strength of the cover , There was a small hole in the bottom of the choclate covers.. it was very embarressing and stupid to look back and see a trail of choclates starting right from the small shop from where i bought the choclates whole weeks pocket money was laying there evidence to how stupid and how unimaginative a human can get under the influence of baby testosterone . Words failed me so did emotions when i saw one more was falling right from the cover as i was standing there invariably looking at her , my cover , and my empty pocket

If there is one thing i am not entirely disgusted about the whole incidence is my courage ..or rather lack of intelligence in picking up some of the choclates from the trail .. and getting them back to the cover .. and Giving them to Afrida ! God who ever named her Afrida !As she took it from me ,..she asked me the most painful question .. She asked me whether it was my Birthday . She must have been in Hitlers concentration camps as an employee .. how could someone have the heartlessness to see something as stupid as what i have done .. and still believe that i would be celebrating my birthday by doing something as desperate as this . To my dismay , i found myself nodding my head .

Believe it or not ... this was the way we had met first ..Although being in the same class with her for about one whole year . My appearance reflected in anything with a shiny surface had always discouraged my advancements with girls . I was simply too good .. or so i wanted so desperatley to believe !So i ended up making the most crankiest of jokes and making the most funniest and at times most arrogant of comments .. hoping desperately that anyone wth apprecaition for sense of humour and oddities would atleast dare to look at my corner.But my first meeting with Afrida had failed all my notions about what i had thought about her . At times i thought she was scared of me ..or secretly resented me . When she had came back from her place , i had got her Mobile phone number .

I had lost many layers of my fingertips and keypad in the months which followed. Free message must have been one mistake cell operators would have regretted having given to us as a facility !mostly it was messaging .I wondered ..really wondered what i was to her .She never really aknowledged her feeling towards me . but she confirmed one thing only ..only one thing ..that she could never be in love with me . And i was so stupidly insanely and naivley in love with her .

Not even micro seconds must have passed with the pace of those two years that i spend on phone ..messaging and mails with her . I thought that we had talked through almost anything under the sun .. from sex to religion politics ..philosphies .. food .. kids..movies .I had to read a lot to keep up with the interesting pace of conversation . i had even imagined poetic permenance to our relationships .. I had fantasised about our relationships taking many colours .. that of lovers..brotherhood ... motherhood .. what not ! I had even imagined us messaging each other about stories of movies we had seen just twenty five minutes before we died !

Looking at my clock at 3 '0 clock in the office on a friday evening , All that thoughts haunted my belief in true love and money . Afrida had said good bye once and for ever when last year she had ditched me for a very rich and handsome individual handpicked by her father in Dubai . I felt really disgusted at the whole concept . How could she be so insensitive to my feelings . Is it true that she too was something less innocent than a dogs bottom which was fucked by so many rabid cats ! Wow .. how could she have said all those really nice things about me ! Is it true that she was the same individual who had called him up when ther was a bomb blast in Bangalore .

World was indeed strange .. It has stoned Jesus .. and made George W Bush the President of America ..Although totally unrelated events and individuals in a totally different time scaled..they reflected the average reality of human evolution . I too needed stoning ... from reality ..from Kanja ! from Afrida .I still remembered how defeated .Powerless and so sub human i felt in convincing her that i can somehow work it out between us both . I was still studying at that time , and so was she , But she was a much brighter than me ! Physically , emotionally , and economically ! and she just could not deal with the financial aspects of having to settle with me . But she was cunning enough not to admit to her very raw and cunning motives . She would always flower her bullets with words like friendship .. and what crap ! But i never felt sorry for loving her .I still did ! love her or sorts . But my love i felt was so very much totally unjustifiable even to myself . And this self self was the biggest problem

Myself was incapable of making enough money to meet my very dream and longing since the dawn of my conscious days . I thought even if i made all the money in the world , i would just not get another single moment with my Afrida !

Money .. Money was my revenge ..and i thought that somehow if had made enough money , i would eventually find a way to meet her on a daily basis .. or atleast i thought i would find ways of making her memories less painful . I thought my material gains would compromise my emotional losses .

That is when i heard about adsense .. And it has been a straight ..steady .. erosion of love ..happiness and faith ever since ..

So my advice to you is ..dont believe in love .. dont believe in pain .. dont believe in adsense too .. for they are all a big hoax and conspiracy by none other than Mr you know how .. George W Bush

Pappu Yadav!

Friday, August 8, 2008


Rahul was rushing to finish his work. He had been waiting for this day for a long time. The day that he had yearned for has finally arrived.

He had made all his plans a month back. He had stayed two days overnight to finish off his work. His project mates could see happiness radiating in his face. They could not understand the real reason though as they had seen him slog the entire week.

He re-checked his wallet to confirm if the flight ticket was there. Then he checked the date and travel time for nth time again. Everything had gone as planned. He had completed his deliverable and the project was due for release the next day.

He left a note to his Manger and started off rushing to the airport.

On the way to the airport he made a call to her. The only other person on earth who knew what he was up to.

"Mama, Rahul here. Everything's fine. I am on my way to the airport. Will call you tomorrow. Take care Bye".


"Rahul, a call for you" yelled Bharath. Rahul was busy trying to fix an open issue. "Hey buddy. Can you take down the name of the person and tell that I'll call them after an hour", replied Rahul.

"But it seems the person wants to get some information and its urgent" said Bharath.

Rahul picked up the phone. "Hello this is Anjali here. Sorry to disturb you Rahul. I am in AFA project and I need some help from you".

Rahul was mesmerized by her voice. It's the same familiar voice that he had heard numerous times. "Rahul! Are you there?" queried Anjali.

"Yes. Tell me Anjali. What can I do for you?" replied Rahul.

"Hey buddy not coming for lunch?" called out Bharath. Rahul had been explaining her and this call made him realize that 2 hrs had passed by.


It has just been a couple of months. But her thought seemed to have evaded both Rahul's heart and his work. He had not been through this before and hence found it very strange.

"What's her name?" his mom asked Rahul casually while serving dinner.

He was taken aback by this question.

"I can't get you ma." he replied.

"I know you beta. I can notice the difference in you. You need not tell me if you wish not to"

"Ma. I don't know what is happening to me. I've started liking her I suppose," he told his mom.

The taxi came to a screeching halt outside the airport. Rahul got back to his senses.


He boarded his flight to Pune. As the flight took off his thoughts drifted towards her. He imagined her cuddled up in his arms. Her beautiful voice, echoed in his ears. All those pleasant memories and sweet nothing conversations rushed up in his mind.

Anjali: You're amazing. I can't believe that a person can have so much knowledge and yet be so humble

Rahul: That's very flattering. I think the same applies to you too.

Anjali: Me??

Rahul: I know that you had won the inter-corporate light music competition. Your voice is so beautiful. I admire your voice. It's a pleasure to work with you ma'am

Anjali: Thanks Rahul. How do you know that? Do you sing too?

Rahul: Not unless I want an Jevacuation in my area.

Anjali: Giggling... So you just listen and enjoy is it?

Rahul: Yeah! I don't sing but... (It can wait a little longer. I'll tell her when I meet her) Yes! For we people are not blessed with the talent that you have. All we can do is admire.

"We'll be landing in another 5 minutes" announced the flight attendant and this call got Rahul back to the present.


Mithun: Dude! How was your journey?

Rahul: Fine buddy.

Mithun: Will you at least tell me now, the purpose of this trip?

Rahul: Just wait for another day dude. The secret would be out. By the way did you get me what I had asked for?

Mithun: Yes. Here! Have it. But you could have brought your own guitar. Why did you ask for a new one?

Rahul: It's getting late dude. Let's move. I'll answer all your questions tomorrow.

With a friendly hug both of them parted outside the airport.


Rahul displayed his ID card to the security person outside his office and rushed to the 10th floor of the building. He silently slipped into the work area. His eyes were frantically searching for her.

Finally his eyes fell upon the object of his search. His Love. She was dressed in a beautiful blue and white chudithar and her loosely coiled hair fell upon her shoulder. Rahul was dumbstruck. He felt an impulse to rush and hug her and kiss her on her cheeks. Controlling himself he sheepishly moved into the cubicle just behind hers.

Mahesh who had just spotted Rahul almost yelled his name. Rahul jumped across and firmly held his hands across Mahesh's mouth. Rahul had moved with such pace that he almost toppled Mahesh from his chair.

He hissed at Mahesh and asked him to remain silent. Rahul's voice was almost a whisper.

Rahul: Shhhh! I need help from you dude. No questions please. I need your PC for another 15 minutes. Take a break and be back and I can explain everything.

Mahesh: But! I have an urgent work to...

Rahul: Please dude! Just 15 mins.

Mahesh: Rahul had helped him a lot and he could not say a 'No' to Rahul. He silently left the place half curious and half puzzled. While all this happened, Anjali and her friends had settled in their cubicle. There seemed a buzz around the entire place.

He slowly placed the guitar at the desk and logged into Mahesh's pc. "The game starts now" he thought to himself.


He logged into the messenger with his id and pinged her.

Rahul: Hi! Anjali!

Anjali: Hello! Good Afternoon. What's up weirdo? (Rahul could hear her giggling in her cubicle as she typed in the reply)

Rahul: Nothing. Just relieved and happy that my project is finally going for a release tom J

Anjali: Wow! Treat! You had worked very hard and I am sure it would be a big success.

Rahul: Yeah! I am hoping the same. So how's your work going along?

Anjali: Not great yaar! Stuck up with coding for one of the screens.

Rahul: How about a cup of coffee?

Anjali: Coffee? Have you come here to Pune?

Rahul: Nope. (He put in a coffee cup symbol over the messenger and chuckled while doing so).

Anjali: Hey weirdo! Can you help me out in fixing up the error if you aren't too busy?

Rahul: Sure! Tell me the screen where you've got stuck up.


Rahul got up slightly and saw Pooja and Lavanya entering Anjali's cube. He immediately ducked down and slid himself in his chair.

"Hey Anju! Common! Wind up your work fast. It's your b'day today and we had planned to leave early today" uttered Pooja.

"Yeah! I also don't feel like working today. But I am stuck up in a screen" replied Anjali.

Rahul: Hello! Will you tell me the place or screen pls...(pinged Anju in msgr)

"So what's the puppy saying? Wagging its tail? Huh" asked Pooja.

"Must be waiting for the biscuits I suppose," told Lavanya as she joined the conversation.

Just as Lavanya said this all three broke into a loud laughter.

Rahul was puzzled by this conversation and could not decipher what they were talking about.

"So what are you waiting for when you have the pup at your disposal. An intelligent pup, I must say. Just ask him to code the screen for you" told Pooja.

"Yeah! Throw him two additional smilies in the messenger and he would be happy to do the entire coding for you" added Lavanya.

Rahul could not believe what he was hearing.

Anjali: Hey weirdo! I am not feeling well today.Can you do the coding for the Balance Screen alone?

Rahul's hands were trembling and he was too shocked to reply.

Rahul: Just a min. (he forced himself to reply)

Anjali: Please dear! I have a doctor's appointment today and need to leave early.

"Here goes the second biscuit," told Pooja as she laughed.

Rahul was in a state of complete disbelief. Tears started rolling down his eyes. It seemed to him as if the entire world was spinning.

"Wish I had one pup too. Can you check if the pup can help with my work too" told Lavanya and the three broke into laughter again.

Rahul was sobbing now with tears all over his cheeks. He still could not believe what was happening.

"The pup seems a little reluctant today. Guess he needs more cajoling today" told Anjali.

And this statement seemed to be the final nail on his coffin. He grunted in agony and pain.

"The puppy is dead' he typed into the messenger window and silently slipped out of the place.


He seemed to be caught in a sea of emotions and he didn't even notice Mahesh who was returning back with a cup of coffee. He took the elevator to the terrace.

Anjali finally saw the reply on the messenger window and was puzzled. She pulled the other two and showed them the reply.

"But how could he have known? Had he been here?" questioned Pooja.

"He actually asked me over for a cup of coffee initially but then put up a coffee mug icon over the msgr" replied Anjali.

Just as they were pondering, Mahesh entered his cubicle. He saw the guitar placed over his desk with a rose stuck between the strings and a card by its side.

Just as he slipped open the card, a faint musical note "Happy Birthday to you" resonated from within. This caught the attention of Anjali and others as they turned back and moved into Mahesh's cubicle.

"To Anjali!

Wishing you many more happy returns of the day!

With Love

Rahul" read the card.

Mahesh passed over the card to Anjali!

She slipped open the card, and was dumbstruck not knowing what to do next. The faint b'day note was playing in the background.

Mahesh now got a grip of the situation but couldn't still understand why Rahul left abruptly.

Rahul was crying over aloud in the terrace punching the wall with his fists. He never expected this to happen. He had decided to tell his love for her today and he was a bit apprehensive over her response.

What hurt him more was the way she had considered him. As a mere utilizable commodity! "The puppy is dead! Its dead" he shouted as he kept landing punches on the wall. His knuckles were swollen and a taint of blood appeared over them.

His mobile rang all of a sudden. He was in no mood to talk to anyone. As he pulled up the mobile from his pocket he saw that it was his mother calling.

He slowly pressed the answer button.

"Beta! How are you? What happened?" uttered his mother.

He wanted to tell her all that happened and for a moment wished that she were by his side. But words failed to come out from his mouth and it seemed as if a lump was stuck in his throat.

There was a long silence and he finally managed to speak. "I am fine ma" he replied.

"It wasn't your fault beta!" she told as if reading his mind.

"You loved her from the core of your heart. If she didn't like you, it's her who's missing a wonderful person. It does hurt and I can understand. But remember that you have a person who is missing you a lot. Please come back home tonight for dinner" saying this she ended the call.

Her words comforted him and he felt a lot better. He wiped down his tears and kept staring at the heaven. Just then he received another call. It was Anjali calling.

He wanted to smash the mobile against the wall and his blood was surging with anger. He controlled his emotions and pressed the answer button.

"I am really sorry Rahul! It was all meant to be fun and I never wanted to hurt you." she said.

"The little pup loved you from all its heart. But it's dead and buried now! Goodbye." saying this he ended the call.

Anjali tried calling Rahul again but he didn't attend the call. He switched off his mobile as he took the elevator to ground floor. He checked out of office and boarded a taxi to the airport.

Story of a love ..lover ..and beyond

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Suicide Notes
It was around two am , Monday morning and Pappu was helplessly cursing the rest of the humanity and his forefathers making him poor enough to have opted for a job which made him wait for that ugly cab driver to arrive 2 am in the morning . It was the time when the rest of humanity had known what sleep is ,It was eternally hot in chennai only at around 2 Am did those in that place knew what it was cool enough to forget their waking hours . It was very difficult for Pappu to adjust to the night and day workstyle in that company he joined . He feared he would catch them deadly ulcers and cancers and he would die sooner because he had worked day and night . But human body has this strange habit to being used to anything ..abuse .. torture ..even to a point to be depending on it for its continued survival . The same was true with mind and soul too . we all needed our tortures to endure ..So thought pappu . Pappu s tortures were simple was cigarrettes and weekend with this friends at Beasant Nagar beach . Not everything in Pappus life was a torture though . Sheni was among the few of the things Pappu thought was making life worth living .He had never met Sheni though.

Cab driver was late by an hour that day , Pappu really felt sorry for himself not to have slept for just ten more minutes . He felt that only if he could sleep ten more minutes than he was sleeping , the entire humanity and his grandfather too would be rid of all malice .. he even thought if he had slept enough , he would even end up marrying sheni . Cab driver was murmerring something in a language only he himself understood.He had some pick ups which had made him late .On his way to office , he saw Monisha being dropped from a car which looked very expensive from far

She looked like the reason day had turned dark . She needed all the darkness in the world to hide her darkness..shame..tears..and most of all ..her beauty . Monisha was by far the most beautiful girl he had ever seen .she was from Ooty . She was the first Prostitute that Pappu had seen . Infact she was the only prostitute he had ever seen . God was indeed cruel .. he made Monisha so beautiful and cursed her life with dogs ..which always fed on her tears and flesh . Pappu always had wanted to speak to her . Pappu always thought that at anypoint of time there is no reason why people should feel ashamed of themselves. He somehow wanted to make her feel good about her .. about her helplessness..Secretly Pappu had always felt a very brotherly feelings towards her .He had two sisters..and he always felt anguish when they were intruded by visually by those strangers who looked at his sisters. Had Monisha a brother . Did she had a family .

It was around Four o clock when pappu had reached office . As usual , he immediately settled for a coffee and gossips , Pappu never felt really tensed around deadlines .He finished his job early , and left home before 3PM . Pappu s apartment was quintessentially deserted during office hours. It was full of Bachelors . and no one really stayed there even on weekends . They only came there to one thing in life they always did till they were dead ..Sleeping ..If only Bush had slept for ten more minutes , world would be one less war he thought . Pappu went out for a tea after changing dress. It was at that time , that he saw Monisha coming out of his friend Syam s apartment . Syam was Pappu s childhood friend . whom he shared none of the warmth he shared with the street dogs and strangers he met .They were once friends . But Pappus fathers sudden loss of business and poverty seemed to have distanced syam from him and Pappus realisation of his friends attitude towards his financial conditions had made alienated slowly from Syam .Its not that Syam was ruthless or heartless.Only he made Pappu feel obligated and lesser for every help that he extented .It was the first time Pappu sensed complexities creep into his relationships.Syam also did not like Pappus moral outlook of the world .For Pappu.Man's Virginity was very prescious . To be preserved to the one who he s going to marry and occassionally to masturbation .But Pappu always ended up speaking against marriage too .To him marriage was not supposed to be an arrangement to be made fashioned after contracts and clauses.As for Pappu , he thought he will marry the day he can make sheni fall in love with him . Nothing more was needed . Just a assurance that he is loved by the one he loved was all that was there to marriage . He knew that Sheni would never marry him .nor love him .. still he preserved virginity ..For it was his choice ..his freedom .. His ZAHIR .. his Sheni .

Pappu always hated gossips . never listened to gossips and sometimes outright bursted when faced with gossips . But what he heard in Tea shop was about Monisha .Some one was telling that they had seen her beaten up .Pappu did not know the reason why he had become so anxious .. So sad too. He immediately felt really angry at Monisha .Why did she let someone hit her . Pappu always hated physical violence . He never hurted anyone physically ..emotionally ..and spiritually ..atleast not intentionally .It was at around that time that he had Seen Monisha . This time he decided that he would not have shame when he looked at .9940337406..That was her number . He remembered that he had got her number for Syam . He did not knew why . somehow he had this very strange reassurance about strangers. He never for once feel hesistant in asking strange people their phone numbers. He did not knew that she was a prostitute when he had asked monisha for her number .But when later he found that she was one . He just forgot about the number that he had always carried in his mobile. He did not dared call someone who was in flesh trade . he just messaged her ...asking if she was okay ! She had replied to him . He was a bit unsure before opening the message .But he finally read it . It said .. 5000 bucks for one night ...with complimentry blowjob . Pappu was shocked beyond disbelief . He did not knew what to do . Next day again he saw her coming out from Syam s house . This time he dared to have a closer look at her . Her eyes had swollen . Yes she was beaten up . abused ..manhandled. He remembered how powerless and defeated he had felt the day he saw her sister being beaten up by the guy she loved.

He had some money in the bank .The one he saved for his all India trip ..the money he had saved for buying gifts Sheni would not accept .He decided he wanted to meet her . at any cost and find out what had happened between them . Why was she beaten up . Why she was not crying . and mostly he wanted to find out why he had felt sorry for her.he wanted to find out if she was human ..and if she was beautiful.Yes she was beautiful was his sister . . He called Monisha and asked her for a date. She was coldly replying him to meet her at Besant nagar .It was around 9 that day .She had taken him to a lodge which she knew .He was very nervous ..but was more anxious and curious to find out what had happened to her .. and what was happening to him .She sat next to him . She had already started to undress. Pappu stopped her . He was surprised how bold he was in touching her . He wondered if she was hurt when he touched her .He switched on the light .He told her he wanted to talk .She looked in his eyes . in it he saw the same disbelief he saw in the rest of the humanity when they saw something good happening around them

. Already pessimism has raped what little beauty she had in her eyes . Pappu asked what did she do other than what she was doing. She was employed in a BPO .Pappu did not knew that she was having a daughter already . He never saw her with her daughter. He had noticed one scar in her neck . He asked her if he can touch it . It felt so lifeless.The scar was something which had cheated her innocence . Pappu asked how she got that swell in her eyes . His queries were met with cold indifference . She had told him that she would nt want to discuss her personal life with him .Pappu told how he was friends with Syam . Hearing syam s name her eyes began to brighten . Monisha was doing her masters in Biotechnology when she had met Adeep . He was a muslim boy .She still remembered how wonderfully intelligent he was . She was just 23 when she decided to make her life with the one she loved.They had come to chennai with wild hopes and even wilder imagination . It was good in the begining . But even after months of being recommended by friends Adeep still was not able to find a job.Adeep was having a lots of friends.He gradually began to lose interest in Monisha . It was december last year that he decided to leave her . After that it has been a journey of embarressment ...fear ..guilt and virtual poverty for her. It was through a driver that she was introduced to the world of flesh trade.Years grew this strange indifference towards life and world. But she never gave up on her child..Gauri.She had met Syam shortly afterwards getting a job in BPO where syam was working.Syam was a romantic deluded person . He had always lived in a dream world .But was quite nuerotic and possesive.They gradually grew close together.

Syam was drawn by her beauty and she was indeed charmed by his poetry and lies..aboutlife.Syam never listened to her .Infact it was syam who did all the talkings ..he talked about many things..about vedantha ..Chaos heory .. about life ..about love ..About Pappu too. that must have made her excited about meeting Pappu .Pappu was glad to learn that Syam still had good thoughts about him . It was only last week when Syam had seen her in a car being dropped at the apartment at the wee hours of morning .Syam got very upset and started shouting , Initially he had stopped attending her calls and had once shut the door on her . But she insisted on going to his house.Syam had hit her twice ..when he raise his arms again she had fallen down . She was not very angry with Syam .Infact Pappu could see that she was even happy to certain extent when she had talked about Syam .There must be some strange kindness to him which would have made her forgive his angry violence .

Tears almost fell down Pappus eyes.It was the first time that he was seeing a human face to a figure he had seen only in darkness.But years of mental emotional and spiritual abuse had taken its toll on her beauty . No..she was more beautiful than he had imagined her to be. Infact she was more beautiful than himself..She was more beautiful than sheni ..she was more beautiful than Pappu s love for sheni . He had listened to her the whole night . It was around two o clock that he could hear the room boy knocking at the door .He immediately had realised how Silly he had been in the whole arrangement.She did not accept the money . But Pappu was reluctant in having her take this money ,He had asked her to spend it on buying something for Gauri.

Had i been very judgemental of Syam . Have i made decisions on him too soon . Has he been such a nice person all along ..Why had he still beaten her..Was he out of his mind ..Was i doing to Syam what he did to Monisha ..Why was i less understanding than this girl whom i know as a prostitute..these were the questions which had haunted him when he stepped out of that room.

When he met Syam the next day in the coffee shop ..the same indifference was staring at them ..which they had felt towards each other when they decided to part their way .But this time , he remembered Monishas eyes. Why was not i more forgiving thought. Syam had always been very haste in hurling abuses at people.It was one time when he had him upset over taking his personal belonging..that too his guitar that he burst out so badly that Pappu decided that they should part thier ways as good friends.But there was always this undercurrent of anger and hatred in their eyes when they had met afterwards.This was the first day after many months that Pappu had gone and talked to Syam.Intially he was very cold ..infact even abusive.But Pappu persisted . Pappu said he was genuinely sorry even though he really was not .But something in Pappu s eyes seemed to tell Syam that it was time to forgive their mistakes ..of Pappus and syams..

They just stood there for a long time.They remembered how they used to crack jokes about their maths teacher..about how they used to feel at awe with reasons for existance and Chaos theory ..How they used to hate Kamal hasan ..and his antics..Shit man time had gone so much na ..said Pappu . Somehow when Pappu had asked about Monisha ..he could sense a very strange feeling of tension in thier conversation .It was suffocating how they had run out of words .Pappu changed their conversation and told him how he had met this girl called Sheni ..and how badly he wanted her ..and how heartbroken he was when she always insists on them being good friends.Syam was opening up about Monisha.Syam told how heartbroken he was when he found him with another man . Pappu was initially puzzled .Syam himself had been with so many girls..sometimes at the same time altogether .He was quite a casanova of thier college.He had many girlfriends and was an expert in keeping relationships with girls .He already started going out with girls and having sex with them ..while pappu was still wondering whether babies were born out of some strange experiments gone wrong in MI2 labs !

Syam said he loved Monisha .He have told so many times over with so many different girls .Pappu looked into his eyes and asked whether he really loved her ..and what it means to love someone..We had always prophesed about how to love someone without any expectations.without any conditions..I again asked him whether he really had loved her .. It was almost two hours since they started their conversation . Somehow Pappu felt that there was some strange crsytallisation in his resolve . Syam had to admit that he was very possesive .Pappu was quite pleased that he had once in his life admitted to something which had bothered Pappu for many years since meeting him .He had always been very possesive .Towards his music cassettes..his books .. Infact Pappu was the only one with whom he shared his books.Because somehow Pappu always ended up returning his books within days of borrowing from him sometimes even without reading them completely ..for Pappu knew how he had felt about them .Pappu had told him about the whole incidence ..Pappu was quite not able to understand he had become upset again . He was somehow more angry with Monisha for having told Pappu about them .. He just left without saying much

Pappu was always defeated his parents..By Monisha ..By Sheni..By life love ..and his own mercy and imagination. This time by Syam !

Pappu was somehow able to sleep very peacefully for that night ..although he had slept only for a few hours that night..when he woke up he was surprised how he did not feel like to sleep for ten more minutes.He felt refreshed and relived. Pappu did a lot of thinking in the office that day . It was a message from Sheni ..Ratss....He started to wonder..if he was similiar to syam in the way he treated Sheni . Although he never liked to believe that he wanted to posses sheni..He always missed her messages and conversations with her .He was somehow dependant on this female for his pleasures.It was only Pappu who had always called and messages Sheni . When ever he had messaged her.she always replied to whatever nonsense he had typed her . She was doing her MBBS finals that year . Some how Pappu was feeling this strange guilt in his heart . He wondered where their relationship was going . For Sheni it was quite clear that Pappu was her best friend..of sorts..But Pappu loved Sheni beyond anything .He was begining to sense a strange obligation in Sheni s feelings towards him .He felt the same way he used to feel obligated to Syam . Somehow Sheni made him feel that she was doing him a favor ..He did nt like

favors..Pappu was not a beggar .He need nt live out of the mercy of

anyone . He valued and respected life more than others thought he did .

He asked himself whether he really loved Sheni . She was an obsession

of his since school days . None of his friend understood when he told

that she was the only one he loved .Neither did sheni ..He wondered if

he was raping Sheni spiritually ..It was almost hurting him to believe

that he was about to set her free ..It was very painful to understand

that he was about to grow ..

He understood for the first time in his life painful it is to

love someone ..He decided to commit suicide ..naaa not the physical

kind though ..Pappu always hated people who committed pysical suicide

..its so downright ugly .. He decided to kill his desires and passions

towards sheni . He decided to set her free to pursue whatever she

wanted. He decided to make her life free of his burdens .It was the

first time in his life after meeting her for several years that he had

felt genuinely free of guilt about loving her ..That night he did not

returned her call..or messages..She had given him many missed calls

that night .. He switched off the cell..fearing he might reply to her

.Pappu was from a poor family .He was not well settled as Sheni

was.Niether was he emotionally mature as Sheni was ..He was afraid he

would end up hurting Sheni if the relationship had grown any further .

It was not that she would run away with him and he would not be able to

satify her was that she would never really love him and Pappu

might do something really stupid and make her feel guilty of having

hurt Pappu..

It was almost three months since he stopped calling her ..replying to

her message .. That day he was told that there was someone in the lobb

y to meet him . Pappu almost forgot how Sheni looked like ..infact he

had not even seen her except in the photos she had sent him which was

taken many years back . He almost failed in recognising the face behind

the voice of his daily calls . It was Sheni ....She looked more

beautiful than he had ever imagined her to be .He did not knew how to

react at that moment . Had she comed to invite him for the marriage

..he feared for the worst .He indeed was with indifference..doing to

sheni what Syam was doing to Monisha ..only on a subtle level..this

realisation had made his head hang in guilt .He somehow managed a smile

which was niether inviting nor ugly . Sheni was not smiling ..She came

near Pappu .. She gave him a very nice slap ..Pappu was never hit by

anyone he loved...His father never hit him neither did his mother ..nor

did Syam ..Nor anyone he knew remotely .. But Sheni s slap did not hurt

him ..infact he almost felt grateful to Sheni for slapping him .She

slapped him again ...hugged him and kissed him ...This time in the

cheeks to only to sense the salt of his tears. Pappu felt that the

world was coming to an end .Pappu felt more grateful to her than to

anyone he had ever felt grateful to ! RATS

Pappu did not speak a word.That day they had talked a lot ..about life

.. About vedantha ..chaos theory ..about how they used to make fun at

the maths teacher..They dared not to speak in terms of their

future.They were happy with what little non sense they shared ..She had

gone home in the next flight ..

It was twelve o clock midnight ..when Sheni had called him ..Pappu was

in US . His wife had already slept . He had a girl child and named her

Sheni ..although his parents were quite objectionate about naming their

hindu grandchild with a muslim name ......Sheni had seen Jane tu part

two ..It was Imran Khan s cousin .She was head over heels about the

movie ..MEOW tu kabhi nahi sudhrega Saala said Pappu..!! Pappu never

was reformed ..neither did Syam ..niether did Monisha .. niether did

life ..least said about MEOW the better !!

The more things change ..the more they remain the same ...

All parts of this story is purely fictional ..if it ever resembles

anything real...its due to a presidential conspiracy by George W Bush

Cheers Rats

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