Habits fear sex love god and my wife

Thursday, April 26, 2012

It was twelve 0 Clock. It was time at office when everyone went for lunch or were planning to go for lunch with their friends and strangers. It was one of the ancient and age old socializing ritual in office. I know many people who could nt go for lunch without having someone going with them. It was as if they were slowly becoming depending and almost addicted to have people talk rumours and politics to them while having lunch. It was just a habit. Just like any other habits of humans. Humans ..the Animal of habit. All this life is just a habit. He gets married because of his habits, raises children and even speaks a language because of habit. Habit .. The hopelessly stupid repetetion of things familiar. May be memories of a dangerous past when everything was a hidden danger in the jungle that man used to live. Today too was nothing different. Infact life is such a fragile strange mysterious unexplainable phenomenon that man must be fearing every second and every step. I wondered if all the people in office went with each other for lunch out of this strange myterious unexplainable fear!! Infact everyone had this fear, Every single one of them, They seek power, happiness, tears , love, money and even god in order to escape this existential fear. But the most effective way to overcome this fear was to be addicted to a habit.

Habits of food, Habit of religion and god, Habit of alchahol and tobacco, Habit of spice and flesh .Habits ..When will I ever become free of my habits. How can I ever escape from the clutch and fist of habit

I was the fear which was engulfing from all angles. It was very difficult for me to breath even in this fear. Yet I breathed, Without knowing that I breathed


Two rings of phone put a sudden deathknell to all my chain of thoughts. I was thankful that I was thoughtless and worried at that time, Worried what this time she would have called me for. It was as usually to ask me to come earlier from office ! I wanted to tell her that I was not here one a Vacation and I had to be here only for a reason, which was because I was employed and I was not in love with the way things are going in office. I dont think any single one soul in this parrelel universe every wants to be in a cublice of strangers from morning to evening, staring at empty dull life sucking screens of office projects. But I had to do it. No she would nt understand my situation. Infact no one really understands anyone really ever in life. It takes perhaps a million years of wisdom to understand that someone was god and what they were saying was Bible. When you are living you are bound to be misunderstood .. Ill understood .. Mistakenly and miserably understood . Actually you are never understood at all . But I loved her I thought . !!!


I wondered if I ever really lover her. I wondered if love was possible at all the way love is portrayed in movies and literature. Love was nothing but a way to sell things/ stuff / religion/ love . Now people sell their soul and virginity too in the name of love. I was only glad that the claims to my virginity was only through masturbation. I was glad that I masturbated everyday. It was a very awesome feeling that I was sexually self sufficient even though it was an oxymoron as sex in itself was a celebration of duality. I wondered if spirituality was a crude form of sexuality and gods were nothing by ejaculation and climax of intelligence and wisdom. Somehow society was thoroughly and systematically ashamed of their nakedness and sexuality too. Somehow men prided in being men and women celebrated womanhood. It was ulimate insult to be mistaken for one another. Somehow Society was in a deep, strange, mysterious and unexplainable hatred towards the basic tenets of what made it what it was today and tomorrow. May be one day we will celebrate sex as we celebrate christmas and new year. May be one day the society will come together for a sex day and have indiscriminate sex with everyone around. But right now it is too much taboo and shameful to be even thought about. Right now society and my wife is not ready to really accept a reality outside their habit. right now society and my wife is not willing to open their eyes. They fear blindness if they open their eyes. . and I was too powerless in front of the power of their fear and habits. So I oblige close my eyes and play blind