Peace and Prayers

Empty spaces lend me shapes

I but with being stick to last



River - My reasons and flow of life

The river , Like generations of my useless and mindless grandfathers, it was flowing with this wonderfully resilient silence .Many a wonderful gardens it must have caressed , Trees , bees and people s feet .Cowdung and flowers too must have melted into the river.Yet the emptiness of the river ,its lack of identity ,its ability to contain all of its fragrance and odour too into the vast emptiness of nothingness that it was .River was without any identity , yet , it helped absorb the lack of it in myself that day

There i was , on the foot of a river . The ebbs were gently tickling my toes , as i hesitated to heed to its call .its touch was so refreshingly cold that day . So many things i got to remember from those few drops of water river was showering on me like a mother's blessing . It was almost two hours since i started waiting for my friends who promised to be there .It was only the middle of the day ,yet trees and clouds conspired to cheat me of my sense of time .If it was not for the lifeless motion of my watch , i would easily have been cheated to believe that it was late in the evening . There is something deeply religious about the trees that surrounded Kottarakara .i had ample time before the gang of idiots make me lose my sanity and what little cash i had saved to go to Mathews marriage.It was so very privately lonely in that place ,in among those gorges and large trees ,yet i felt one hundred idiots ! This thing was our legacy , my grandfather was known as this big idiot among our family members .He was that sacred fool who lost all his wealth to his religious and philosophical pursuits .It was a communist devil which made him lose his material sanity ! Most of my family members and some school going kids too thought that i was the only one in my family to have carried over my grandfathers legacy . I was told that i even resembled my grandfather ..the river was so determined in tickling my legacy .It was determined in helping me reconcile my fate as the grandson of this big communist idiot! Most of his contemporaries , his comrades , his enemies ,friends and strangers too were dead .Yet his legacy lived on . I was the quintessancial butt for all communist jokes and all religious and atheistic puns .Yet i failed to understand why i did not hate my fathers progenitor ! Probably because i could see , how really miserable the rest of the intelligent people really were. I could see that their riches had replaced their eyes , ears , heart and skin too with this strange and puzzling sense of ownership and pride . River was my reassurance that i was not the most idiotic and my grandfather was equally intelligent !

Ah friends .. yeah friends .. oh my god friends !~!

I could see some stuff , my own stuff , my pencils , my pens and my old green T shirt coming down the river .I was shocked initially , it was such a contemplative moment that i thought i was seeing my thoughts in the flowing river and this was just an abberation . and when i saw my shoes .. i was left speechless ! Looking up , i could see that it was my gang of friends ..the group of infinite idiots who were laughing to see my react as if i just came back from office . They were playing pranks on me .They were waiting for me in my car and were curious to see me lost in thoughts in the middle of the river with water right up to my neck ! I was immediately pulled back to my senses and their really poor sense of humour . Going back to Mathews Marriage !



In evi table ! three different ways of fate

How i really wish i could turn him back from this inevitability .It was Every grown mans dream to get married to someone beautiful or ugly or female ..or atleast human! All of us knew that we had to marry one day ..But this was too soon .Ofcourse we all loved to see ourselves married and we all were really supportive of this mind numbingly senseless social phenomenon called marriage ! Mathew as just so .. so .. you know ..immature and …kinda ..really intelligent and sensible for us to imagine such a horrendous tragedy happening with his conscious decision ! it was not as if i was losing my respect for Mathew . I mean it grew ..The man must be such courageous soul to be giving a treat too for a conscious decision at self immolition . I mean i once heard that a priest in Thailand burned himselves to death without even moving a single muscle in his body ..But this was much worse ..this guy was even celebrating it ..with birthday cakes and all ! this was too much .but …the infinite buts and ifs ..had prevented us from stating his inevitible fate ! so we were silent spectators for this personal tragedy for two individuals to whom we owed a lot (money ,time , boredom and humour too )

Boredom divided by brandy

It was just one more day before this guy transformed himself to a kitchen utensil . So we had him for the day before marriage . The day before marriage for any self respecting Malayali Achayan* is marked by booze ..soda ..and more booze than was flowing on that river that i was talking about .Ofcourse ..me being a malayali and brought up among so many Achayans.. had no objectiono in having my own share of the non alchaholic brandy and whiskey ! (i am sure that they are yet to invent something like that ) As we buried our sensiblities and sanity along with worries in twenty glass of brandy , whiskey and occasional beer bottles, hours were nearing for our friend to take his vows . we sang and danced the entire day . Actually no one really was sure how much we ended up having ! but evidence was all over that place we were lodged that day . The noise reverberated even the next day morning .

Just hours before wedding intense photo sessions ..People were posing themselves with friends and groom in every possible angle the photographer fancied .Mathews face was stiff as an iron box . There was not a single human emotion in his entire body that day .He was just as empty as my plastic rucksack.May be when you are so overwhelmed by the larger than life… dead image of a simple and spiritual process,union of souls rendered as serious lifeless mechanical process,the plasticity is your very defense when faced with such serious stuffing of complicated rituals . Watching him , i could sense my own emotions were being drained and confused ! It was not exactly sad , or depressing …it was exhausting ..to say the very least .

Feasts ! and BEASTS

Feasts , the one thing people go to marriage for and it was lavished ,Every single pore of my body was smelling masalas and beef curry . Appam ,chappati ,Chaaya ! no ..i could not say tea ..CHaaya ! The very taste to which malayali wakes up to .Taste buds were feasted to mystical aromas of one thousand flavours and fragrances . It was blissfully excellant and extravagant . I was less regretful now of not having developed a six pack musculature ! my tummy was more than accomodative of such an onslaught from kerala cuisine .It was as close as i came in my search for nirvana and my bike's keys !



Opulance .pretance and total hypocracy

The wedding was long as usual in most of the christian weddings . It was such slow and dragging process that every one thought it was good to get married only once ..fearing such boredom.Every single of the religious heads who came there , i mean bishops ..fathers ..god knows who else ..were all looking so sombre and serious that they made even the most maniacal of my friends silent . It was an utter calm moment in our entire marriage fiasco . It was so stuffed with religious non sense ..that it all made no sense to us . We just stood there totally powerless to do anything other than wait for the next feast ! But that was only two hours afterwards ! it was awefully long .Church was made only for two things .Marriages and funeral .They needed the rubberstamp of church for any formal arrangements in their life .from birth to death to marriage ,church monopolised , controled and scared every single christian ! There was heaven , hell and marriage too that christian feared worse than their own very life .People were yet to wake from the dark ages where science was condemned and scientists were hanged for stating the obvious .But humans were too retarded too .Even communism was a Church of sorts . And Marx was their jesus .Man had utterly failed in his efforts to instituitionalise his experience ..Church was the tomb of religion , Marriage was the funeral of love , and Politics was the last breath of every rational and sane thought that ever had humanity preserved . I wondered if i too would one day will become married to someone ..someone i love ..With some one who shared my confusions and fear and love too . I wondered if i too would end up being a silent spectator of my life taken over by senseless religions and formalities.Then i remembered ..That i was already married . To that person in my life ..My muse and my identity too . We got married the day we saw each other with our spiritual eyes . We got married when sun's rays touched caressed and kindled the love for each other ..in us . Yes ..ofcourse there was no Church , temple , or mosque to instituitionalise our relationship . But our heartbeats and breath was too holy for any dead and decaying opulance to render its seal to ..

Ofcourse no body understood what i was trying to say ..not even my so called wife to whom i got married without the sound and fury of a confusing religion ! So she left me ..without even meeting me ! not even once .So i lived in lies ,imagination and false hopes ..I told myself Many lies .. Truth was nothing but an invented ,accepted and glorified lie ! There were many such lies ..Physics ..chemistry ..biology ..and Philosophy too … Truth is much less imaginative than image on a mirror too.Truth was of an unequal world where poverty coexisted with opulance .Where one man was worried about his next meal , while the other worried about the ice cream stain on his Stanley leather upholstery ! Where people fed dogs many times the calories needed for a family to survive.Where people worshiped cricket stars yet claimed to be descendants of the most spiritual land !

Serious comedies of life


So all the jokes apart ..lets come to the serious part ..i mean the gift part of the marriage . We all collected money from each other ..and our parents (since economic recession ) To gift our friend on his day of wedding .We gifted him a large packet containing prized product of Hindustan latex .It was embaressing to ask for this in the medical store .yet it was customary among guys to gift Condoms to their friend as a compliment to the other gifts that we give .I was expecting an embaressed Mathew .But marriage had made him resiliant to our poor and unimaginative jokes .He was a serious man now .All he could do was give us that goofy smile which had in it but ghosts of that old slapstick non stop chatterbox that he really was.Now it was time for us to part.Of course we would meet each other and be bored to death with each others sick practical jokes .Yet we really were parting my friend Mr Manu ! Mathew ..i said to him ! on that day !

But personally speaking !!




Having said all this Personally i have truckloads of respect for marriage .It is something which stabilises your life . Every one should get married .If they find someone who compliment their personality , well .. what can i say your whole life will be a Wills cigeratte advertisement .And if you find that the person is contradicting you ..well ..you are just one more arguement away from total spiritual enlightenment and blissful nirvana .People realise great things through tragedy you know ! So cheers people ..to married and single too .It does not matter if you are married ..or single ..or an employee of cognizant ! All that really matters is ..that you love and let love !

Room mates ! you cant live with them ..nor can you live without them

There is only one luxury of not owning your own house , it is that you can move ..when ever you feel like it , where ever you feel like , provided you could find two idiots to share rent and advance with , If you are a bit intelligent you would always end up with two more idiots , and you know what happens when you have Four idiots .The thing with idiots is ofcourse , that they seem to enhance , to multiply and to raise to the power of their idiocacies !It is a deadly combination of Disaster and brainless mayhem , But when you realise that they were idiots afterall .. well , it would be extremely cynical not to laugh . And the luxury ends there ..right there with the idiots !

Thambaram ! the godlen and silver days

The story starts in Thambaram .There i was in MCC college , i mean near to it , Every day we would see .. exactly one thousand two hundred and ninety seven females walking pass the main gate where we would have our tea and daily dose of political discussions . It is as if at the end of discussion one person would emerge wiser than the combined wisdom of entire political morons running white house and green house and our own black house in Delhi , And ofcourse the thing about having a discussion with idiots is that you can always prove to yourself and to the pretty girl who listens with curiosity , that you are one step ahead of them in proving that they are idiots ! i mean its as if you dont have to do a thing , you just have to listen , infact just by listening you can prove to others and to yourself that they are idiots, Life was perfect , so was tea and so was the one thousand two hundred and ninety seven females who passed through the teashop and put a hole in my heart ! i was in love .. with these idiots, the tea shop and World news , and ofcourse i was madly in love with all the females too . .

Enter idiot no. 1 . I would not like to mention the name of this idiot ..For it is retared and stupid ! i wonder how their parents could forcast his stunted growth by giving him such a retarded name . Hey dont mistake .. i mean this guy is wonderfully intelligent for all the work that he was endowed with , he even earned couple of digits more salary than i did and did passed his exams with more than the average marks , and ofcourse being and idiot , he had more number of girlfriends than there were fingers in both of my hands , so i stopped counting . his girlfriends and stupidities , He called me telling me that he found a room near Sholinganallur ! phew here we go again i thought .

He virtually threatened me into joining him to his room . Hey the room was okay . I mean it was clean and sorted out . But it was in scholinganallur , It was exactly one thousand two hundred and ninety seven million light years from Civilization ! and anything which was female had four legs and fed on grass….. no no no no .. not that grass you think ..i m talking the REAL GRASS ..you know the one which grows on road side ! that grass ..not Marinjuana ! silly

The begining of the end of all beginings !

Hardly had one month passed since we had started living together ..that we were endowed with the company of two more idiots , It was Idiots multiplied and raised to the power of infinity , and add to that their dirty laundry and poor imagination , coupled with baddest of jokes and above all these .. you got to deal with girl friends out numbering my fingers ,,nails and even hairs too ! its as if females were wildly attracted to poor jokes and idiots . And it was not very long , before the owner of the house had invited us ..to move out as soon as possible .Being idiots , the first reaction was to search for another room , and being idiots we were extremely angry and frustrated of not being able to find rooms stupid enough to accomodate all our stupidities . Its as if life has come to a full stop and all our idiocacies were staring at us ..in our crotch ! It was worse than the worst Vijay movie that i had seen . and wait i heard he is making another one ! phew ! and so were we ..no we were not making another film , we were getting ready for another disaster .

I think sane house owners who are not greedy are more rare to find than intelligent room mates and beautiful girls who were not attracted to idiots ! I know some people do get both and the houseowners too ! they are called movie stars , or politicians .. or ofcourse .. beautiful girls ! Three thousand five hunred rupees per head ! that was what the room owner was asking , perhead , and we were four of us , and if you minus the luggage that would make us five , i know ,…what you are thinking ..please go with the flow and do believe me this maths is infinitely less stupid than the idiots that i live with !

Hey dont get me wrong here , the room was extra fine and …..what will i say about the females that i saw in Thiruvanmayur , it was as if for the first time in my life , i found my vocabulary failing to describe the quantity and quality of female hormones that was on the air ! one smell and we were ready for combined stupidity of fourteen thousand brainless rupees ! that was only the rent that we idiots shared plus the house maintainance and ofcourse the water money

Finally Suru Loses it !

There i was , at the end of the month , the first month ! Recession was affecting my social life too . and somehow or the other , for the first time in my life ..the economics of moving to a place which was expensive , had made me reconsider living among female bovines in sholinganallur , or thambaram ..or any place which was far from greedy house owners ! i had it this month , i hardly had two thousand rupees , and there was still twenty days to go .

For one whole week i could survive on one meal a day , that was twenty ruppes a day , and i skipped breakfast and dinner too !and i heard that they were going to cut the incentive ! future looked more dark than our room on a sunday morning ! and so dusty that i could not sneeze due to blockage in my nostrils ! This was the last nail in the coffin in which i laid to rest all hopes of having a decent lifestyle in chennai and worse still bid official adieue to the last hope of having a conversation extended than two sentences with anything female save for the bovines !

So good bye Girls .. good bye nice place which is very expensive .. i am leaving you all !

Hey did you know that cow dung was having antiseptic properties …. but does not look good on your shoes .. or your bike ! or your face ! but i had to deal with it all . as i was planning to move back to Thambaram ! for the want of having to save money ! it was a dead end to my hopes of meeting a beautiful girl in a beautiful beach .. in a beautiful apartment ! HONKk…… oh my god i almost missed another one ! These idiots were really fine people ..they loved me ..respected me .. and thought that i was intelligent ! but .. they were bloody expensive to live with .I could manage two marriage and one thousand two hundred and ninety seven of my own children ! .but these people ..just three of them ! ! Oh god ! yeah god ! .. i think i am doubting your intelligence ..if product is this much malfunctioning .. i think they ought to cancel your licence ! to make humans again ! EveR !! God ! i am sorry ! I Love you .. i adore and even worship you .. But damn ..you make some mistakes .. and you make me meet these mistakes .. Please have mercy on me .. Dont you see i am working in an IT company with limited pay (hey i m just a Programmer okay not PA so i get less pay despite working almost on the same level )

Molly s Lips
Man is always obessesed with what he can not have

.Rich man who is not healthy craves for health

.Everyone would always invent something or the other

to make themselves miserable . Its as if they would

derive their pleasure from torturing themselves to

the very limits of sanity .only when he loses all

..and something more ..does he realise what he was

having ..how beautiful it was what he was having

What little did i indeed had ..thought Ram.

He was almost sixty years old . He thanked even his

name, which was very old.World was moving very fast

around him . It was as if he was suffocated with the

world which was moving with dizzying speed . Every

where there was movement . some slow .. some fast

.but surely every one was moving somewhere else .

some would even move even when they were sleeping

..some would move in thier thoughts even when they

were standing still . Movement was life and noise

for Ram . without movement .things would seem so

empty . It was only to fill the emptiness of this meaninless silence that we actually move around and seek immense sensory overload with movements !

But i was moving towards the end of all movements . i was moving towards immobility .i was moving and slowly and so inevitably moving towards my own death . with memories only to enhance the reality of what i was about to face .. So thought Ram . He was living in an age where RAM was nothing but an obselete technological jargon . Ever since the inception of virtual material memory technology , silicone conductors and electronic circuits has been rendered obselete . Now chemical reactions and virtual nuerochemicals do the maths for the complicated machines that humans used . He remembered how it was when there was lot of excitment when there was a new movie released and the music would play in everyone s tune s. Now its all about participatory and even collaborative music where the music changes with the mood of the mind . Once connected to the head , it will automatically read the mental pattern and would create music with its own database of music from through out the entire history of humanity . Some people had a very tough time controlling the machine . Its as if the machine would have a mind of its own

The music machine was a really huge hit when it was introduced . It was called the M-Tunes .Now even this was nearing obscelance. Now everything is controlled by mind . Moving and using muscles to achieve what one wants is considered stone age ..or so called Desktop age .

The border between man and machine was slowly blurring . So much advancement in the integration of electronics or neuronics as it is called today .. had made these machines a mere extension of human mind and body .

Now they are talking about genonics . It was a rare integration of our gene and DNA with micro robotics and nano reactives .

Love was still a very intruiging feeling that no amount of advancement in electronics could help resolve . There were some really awesome simulation softwares which had made them feel love and would simlute virtual Lovers with advanced emotional quotients and artificial intelligence . Microsoft love softwares were always full of bugs . It would always express irrational behaviour which added to its charm . Some even argued that these vital flaws where what made these more real and appealing . There were so many opensource love simulation softwares which were really amazing and creative . There were softwares which had some really popular yesteryear beauties like Cameron Diaz and Kate winslet as charectors which assist in realisation of love . Some were even based on obsolete film technologies and Romantic sitcoms of television heydays .


But in reality ..people rarely spoke to each other . Reality was something which was avoided at all costs . No one even cared for decent food or clothings . There was always some virtual vitamins available which would make one feel good after having a screenshots of them !

To the two thousand billion people who could not afford even food ..these remained at best a strange fiction . Some even thought that they were the work of some supernatural forces. There was a strange shortage of food and water . Ram was worried if his old age and ever dwindling saving would land him in poverty . He was relatively rich in his younger days . But the rat race electronics and obscelence of his skills had made him irrelevant to modern day economics . He was forced to retire after a writing software with advanced intelligence had wrote much more inspiring and artistic works than he did . The manufacturers claimed that the software only needs to be fed with one paragraph of the writer to figure out his writing pattern and it would simulate and enhance the writing style .

There was no orginality , thought Ram .

He wondered whether humans had figured out the equation of life . May be with insights into mathematics and electronics so advanced that it was now possible for man to look at his existance and understand and to control one s past future and that of other life forms and also non life forms .

He wondered if Sheni was alive today . Sheni was an upper middle class girl ..the only girl Ram had ever loved . Ever since she had married her dream lover in virtual space , Ram had lived a life hating the virtual technology . Sheni was really lost in the virtual simulations which were taking place at that time . Reality and dream world created had made no difference to her . but to Ram .. it was an end of a twenty five year old affair . Ram had started loving sheni since he was 10 years old . He did not recognise his strange affinity which had filled his night and days with wonderful fulfillment as love until he had seen his first romantic comedy film in english .They remained friends for a very long time . But Ram always insists that their relationship was something more than just plain friendship .

It was on his thirty fifth Birthday that Sheni had decided to Marry her virtual friend Mr Imran Khan . It was a very advanced software simulation of artifical reality by Microsoft . Everyone her age was fast adopting to such softwares to end thier loneliness and boredom .Most of them even considered it far more superior than a real relationship .

Ram had always felt all these as masturbatory . It was almost as if the world was in a big masturbatory hallucination . It was eating up what little shit it was capable of making .

Suicide was a really old fashioned way of ending one s life . There were so many modern methods of ending one s existance . There was Public booths which would dispense Suicide kits to those who were willing to buy them . It was as if Government was promoting painless suicide .People just could not bear physical and direct pain .

It was on his way back from beach that Ram had Got hold of a latest neuronic Suicide kit . It was illegal to sell suicide kits to those above Poverty line . But Ram had some friends in the Village . He got it from them . There were many places untouched by modernisation . He was glad to see among many things Fossil fuels and Petrol driven wagons and bikes. He was in tears when he saw as Apache RTR . It was his dream bike which he also happened to own ! ..only when he was forty five years younger .

There was no injection or chemicals involved in the nueronic suicide kit . It was just a headgear of sorts . you were just supposed to wear it. and switch it on !

He decided to have few glasses of whiskey and his favourite music to play .Real whiskey was so punchent and hard to down .. so thought Ram . but he was more than happy to have it . He had many friend when he was young and able . But at this time when he decided to say good bye . he remembered a few of them . There was one Mathew .. one hickson..glanson .. Siva kumar .. Ajeesh .. Molly .. Steve .. Rubrick ..He was grateful for the memories ..Breaking the god illusion once and for all had been the biggest achievement of the century ..so claimed the modern computer governed society .But He prayed to the non existing god before he sipped his last glass of whiskey . Johny walker ..his favourite band .

A really wild ride ..it was just like Marinjuana . He failed to differentiate between reality and illusion or so called Maya ..

But for Ram .. Electronic maya was something he never really wanted ! It ended with Beep

Everything ....

even Silence Ended with His death ! The suicide kit automatically informs goverment about his death . The organs were Vital .Many invaluable components could be made with human plasma and nuerons .

Humans feeding on humans ..

just for the pleasure of it !!

Make love with yourself

Reality Cheking
it is indeed a strange world . to find the answers

is easier than to understand question . Infact all

answers has always been an escapism of sorts from

any real questions.

Why do we ask so many questions . now there

is a certain aesthetics to what is being asked is it

. There were many questions in my life . Some were

stupid ..some intelligent .some funny ..some so

severely depressing ..


I ve asked myself several qeustions to

myself while i was waiting for her to return from

her duty .It had been seven years since i saw her .

Yes exactly seven years .And that too the last time

i saw her it was as if watching a faint flicker of a

lamp before it had went out.Anticipation was leaving

me breathless.Will she really come ..or had this

been a joke all along .Better half of human life had

been spent on waiting .We wait to grow up ..to get

out first bike ride ..we wait for our first kiss..we

wait for our marriage..we wait for our first child

.. his / her education..their achievement .. and the

most helpless waiting.. the waiting for death .. But

waiting for her on the gate in my car had been the

most sweetest waiting i had done so far . The

pleasure and anticipation had far exceeded the

excitement of eagerly awaiting the climax of an

ordinarily intelligent movie .i could sense the pain

in my right eye reoccuring again after the gap of

almost two hours

It had been just one week before that i had

seen accident happen to me after a very long time .

It was unbelievably shocking to say the least

.Aliyaah..that s what i had screamed to Mathew ..as

the bike had almost touched the rim of the road .. i

instantly knew that any amount of screaming ..or

praying ..or any bargain with god can not make me

get back to safety . I was only fearing worse . As i

was plunging head first into tarmac.I did not knew

which part of my body was going to get maximum

punishment . Obviously i had given up any hope of

expecting damages which could be healed within a

week , I had always been amazed how easy or bearable

it is for one to be bleeding all over and still

manage not to faint . Yep what i feared worse had

not happened .. and i did not faint . Only if i was

as courageous and gutsy when i first started

proposing to girls . but when you are in first

standard and still in your diapers of sorts. you

dont exactly evolve your courage to the level of

being steady ! i could find dirt and sand all over

my mouth and eyes .I stopped crying a really long

time ago . My friends bike was lying almost twelve

feet down from the ground . I was so totally

helpless in not being able to go there and do

anything about bringing the bike to road again .

As i had felt the torch of a mobile

telephone probe the extend of my injuries , i felt a

sigh of relief in not having excessive exaggerations

for the one who saw my face in the faint light of

the mobile .He was infact relieved of sorts that i

only had some minor injuries of sorts. but blood ..

The one which is thicker than water..and petrol ..

was running all over my exposed skins . I was not

exactly scared . I only feared not being able to

bath or go to loo without risking infection . Had to

keep out of water till the time i get it healed .the

very water ..the giver of life .Also gave life to

the germs which rot and fed on my wounds and

effectively myself.Water was not my friend ..nor it

was my enemy .infact water was neutral . To me ..to

the microbes..to life .. to death . to healing ..and

for disease.

It was almost starting to heal.I saw her

standing across the road ! i felt that i would die

of suffocation . She was half naked and fully

clothed . She was autumn and winter and spring

too.She was to me at that moment life for my eyes as

well as ears as much as she was to my heart and to

soul . She asked me to wait .I was willing to wait .

a bit more i thought .. i waited like life waited

for a meaning . like meanings had waited for life !

I still could not believe my eyes ears body

mind or soul that she was walking towards me at that

moment ! There was no magic ! there was no music !

there even was not some fragrance of rose ..nor

lillies or some fantastic and extraordinary

miracles.But still .. that moment .. when she came

near me .. i felt that i was witnessing a miracle .

But for her ..i was just a friend . Infact

may be someone even less than a friend . A curiosity

! yeah .. i mostly thought that i was just a

curiousity to her . Just a passing fancy . May be

she was attracted to me as a child was to bright

flourscent colours . I was absolutely a non

necessory accessory of sorts . Just a decoration .

nothing more . A passtime even at best . or may be

something worse .. a disturbance or an amusement . i

was one of those creatures which could easily have

been dispensed from existance ..so i thought .

I was looking at her face through out the

conversation , i was looking for the slightest hint

of intimacy , which i had hoped for .. dreamed of ..

and could never find in real life . i almost felt

that she was obligated if not anything to ride with

me on her way to her next assignment .


I not exactly enjoyed riding the car i

thought .. i really liked myself not to enjoy riding

cars as much as i do bike s ..But infact it was sad

but true that i indeed loved riding cars as well .

may be more than bike . But cars was something i

could ill afford to run on a regular basis . Bike

was totally fun.Especially My RTR .


She had not spoken that much to me in our

way back . I had imagined my mothers warmth ..my

fathers care ..intelligence wit ..humour and something which answered all my unanswered questions in my conversation with her . but she must have been tired or repulsed or must have felt disgusted that some one could come that distance just to have a chat with her .But what was worse was that i was even feeling responsible for the stale situation.We must have had countless conversations about infinite topics everything under the sun and more . but unfortunately or fortunately , i had always felt that our conversations were incomplete .May be something could not be said , may be somethings needs to be told over and over again.

I had almost missed having several accidents on our way back . Thankfully , but secretely i had always had felt that if i wanted to die , the best was would be to be near her when i did,i had seen several deaths ...murders..suicides..and so called natural death ..none to me had the charm of having the one you love near you .Fulfiling almost our destiny of sorts . Life was to me nothing more than what was happening at that moment , this was probably the very reason why i was born , why i was grown , and probably i would not find something more meaningful in my death too .. so i thought


Forty five minutes of meaningless staring at each other had us reaching metro city in a somewhat lame journey which was wasted as well as disappointing . I smelt nothing but fear and a sense of deeply felt insecurity in her proximity with me . She was to me as close as butter in cold water . like being fed with plastic bag when you are dieing of hunger , i was feeling deeply disappointed and beaten with her warmth . I would have had more warm converstations with an enemy in a battle field right when he was about to kill me with sword .


i did not curse myself or her ..nor did i feel angry or disappointed . A moment was passing by me .. Perhaps the most beautiful moment of my life . Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the history of humanity . Peak of experience and beauty ..

But we were too engaged with our fears that we had missed it ..i feared having her dissappointed with my unimaginative thoughts and conversations..she was fearing many things ..among them the safety of my car and our journey back home .We all miss our moments .. These moments which make life really beautiful does not have to be in a hill station ..or in an exotic islands surrounded by lush greenaries.. These moments are what we could have had with the ones we love .. no matter where ..even in a maruthi Van running on LPG .Only we need to open our eyes ... to the beating hearts .. to emotions and love .. we need to open our eyes and ears .. our soul to life which loves us more than we could ever contain with our entire life of every single human ..animal ..atom .. eletrons or protons .

Sheni i failed to tell you on our way back that i love you . And you failed to hear me say that i love you ..

We both failed our love ..our life .. and our very destiny .. because i feared boring you .. and you feared being with ME

Last week has been one of the most static week of my life . Had to meet with an accident ! It was a sunday evening of last week . We were on a joy ride in my Friends brand new bike . It was a superfine evening and the bike was really one of the best available in indian market . A pulsor 220 . It was very hard for us to not to push it to the very limits of engineering .
But being the quitenssential indians we were , we always were concerned about only one thing .. to safely gaurd our possession to the extend of covering it with the last piece of dignified plastic we have , By plastic we mean polythene cover ..covering the seats .. the shields and stuff.
Ofcourse we indians never even broken any single rule in the usermanual . And we were only going below 40 Kmph .
Everything was really smooth and handsome .Even managing occasional glances from what little members of opposite sex who happened to grace the roads .

It was on the turning towards the ECR road that we noticed that we had run out of road in the steep incline towards the bridge . And when we realised that we had indeed come to the end of the road , it was too late to react ..or to break ..or to even to scream . The feeble noise which came from me even was confused enough not to have any expressions in it . It was one of the most shocking and unbelievable event in the last few years . Its been a really long time since i had fallen from bike . And this was something i really did not wanted at this point of time .infact at any point of my life ! Yepp .. only when i fell with my head first in the sand and tarmac did i realise that it was all too late but to take the fall with all my stride .

I could not stand up immediately after the fall . but to my credit i did stand up only to realise the blood clouding my ability to see with my right eye . I really dont know how to thank those two guys who were on our back in an Apache RTR . They did stop immediately and tried to help us get up .

Nothing serious really did happen to me or to Mathew who was driving . Just some minor scratches and bruises . More to my ego than to those skins!

Chennai -Adsense and fate
On a saturday evening , Being so terribly and horribly single, taking a stroll on the Beasent Nagar beach , You could see millions , yah literally billions of couples , hand in hand . Browsing shops , having what little could be afforded by their pocket money .But they all indulged in teasing me ..Quinessentially and existentially teasing the reality of my existance as a bachelor being satisfied only by images and videos of mating and dating ! Jealousy..there is no cure for that emotional AIDS i suppose.

Enough was enough , I so desperately wanted a girlfriends ..Now what makes an individual my girlfriend so unique ! i had many friends who also happen to be girls . But there was nothing female about them . Yeah i had good times with them . Even the best time and chat with them . But at the end f the day , they all sounded like myself .May be an extension of my thought or something . There was not at anypoint any singular element in their conversation which had even remotely indicated that they had any trace of female hormones running through their blood . Yeah ..they all loved male stars who were boyish . Yeah they shared their interest in Cooking .But man .. they just were so Masculine and so unbearable in their conversation .May be they dont excite me sexually !

Yah that s it ..Eureka ! YEP sex was the one thing with which i should be able to recognise the one who is my girl friend. Sex is something which is taken for granted by so many of them lucky teenagers endowed with good looks , Pocket money and Their Dads ferrari with petrol ladden enough to give shivers to any pretty thing on short skirt and waxed legs ! But me ..being part of a clan of suckers who would lose their virginity one day before they reach impotency !! i mean male menopause or something na !! Sex was what you would see only in Cathode ray tubes ..and in Pictures ..The stuff dreams and nightmares were made of ! The thing you did to yourself when excitment is unbearable ! I dont have anything to do with sex.I hope they marry me off soon ..in the next five year or something .but by then i would sure to lose all my excitment with sex .and i am sure my loss of excitment would surely benefit my frustrated wife on the look out for youngthings on Pulsors and cycles while i am out in office chugging aways codes and codes of mind numbingly useless programs ! But i had no rights to feel offended .It was a fantasy of mine till i turned to 18 to sleep with those pretty mammas who neighboured our home while their husbands who must have lost thier virginity on age of 40 worked abroad and enriched India s foreign exchange rates ..albiet marginally

Enough was enough ! Its almost twenty six years now since i stepped out of womb ..and almost 10 years since i had experienced my first ejaculation .still it was seeing only the impression of my palm my dear thing down under . Its time that i finally got its due ..I needed a girl friend .

I felt like that stupid Senthil asking Manisha Koirala ...what he lacked that Kamal hasan had ! Yeah logically he was correct only and when you switch off the light i dont think there would be much of a difference between kamal hasan and senthil ...not as much as there is between a ferrari and Mini without petrol! they are just both junk wieghts ...Yah what was wrong with me ! when you switch of the lights that is ! Hmm...i guess nothing

But still i never been a babe magnet .May be it got to do with the place that i am coming from . I always beleived that Kottarakara was a place which groomed morons and politicians .Virtually everyone was trapped in a virtual emotional blindness .The only conversation elders had with youngsters was only about when they are going to school .. what job ..what course ..yeah ..there were some occasional messengers of god ..willing only to exploit our helplessness and social condition . Yeah man .. Kottarakara . Small town with a smaller attitude ,hmm..that definetely caused some anxiety sydrome in me in the way it had always made me feel smaller than i really am . But i was brilliant as a student (atleast i wish to think that way) i had always passed exams without fail . Sometimes i even managed to top the class..And what big mouth i had .I could just about say anything to anyone without caring where i was or whom i was speaking to

Yeah that s it ..I just need to go out there and talk ..Open my mouth and leave it to magic .And that is how i lost my first teeth which inevitably made me visually challenging for onlookers for more than the first glance to look at ! Nowadays even dogs are being scared to look at me for more than five minutes . Talk about symmetry and genetics !! I mean i was perfectly okay with my smile .But the brother of the first girl to whom i proposed after the realisation and confidence of my new found trust in my speaking talents , I had casually just mentioned to Blessy that i was wildly attracted to her and i would not mind having to sleep with her ..Initially she just was speechless . Then she had slapped me ..I should have known that her slap was only a sign of things to come.Just a trailer and teaser before the realy super duper hit ..her brother would stop my M80 and would thrash me in the middle of the road ..

Gandhi must have been a moron to have suggested that you show your other cheek when you are slapped . I showed it and got a bigger slap . I was hoping so desperately that i would not repeat my experience with the one who was smiling at me across the cafe bar ..Was she really smiling at me ! naa .. may be laughing .She must be an oracle ..She must have read through my incessant frustrations .. She was having a cruel joke about me in her mind . What a schmuck i must be ! she must have thought on similiar lines . Okay ... so far so good ! but there was something reassuring to me about the way she looked at me .never at once had she taken her glimpse from me. I think she has this twisted taste ...you know wierd taste .. Not everyone likes to eat raw fish .. rotten eggs ..but there are some people who really love it ..There are even people who would eat tube lights and nails . May be she was just a wierdo trapped in a beautiful female booty !

What the hell , I was ready to take my chance . I mean .. what i got to lose . I lost the better part of my dignity wheni made an arse of myself in front of a class nearing 80 females on a monsoon day when i realised my zipper was open , and i was wearing a torn underwear ..gloriously revealing my most darkest and ugliest secrets . Not a single female dared to look at any direction in which i was coming ! but that was okay ..Past is past and it had helped me exhaust what little illusion i had about my dignity . Having had enough bad taste in cofee shops which served Cuppucino . I just went inside and ordered a Coke

Yeah ..it was so obvious She was looking at me only . I was slowly sipping my coke . I would so casually and so stealthly return her looks with mine ..the way i looked had always been very ugly and untasteful . Wait a minute .. she stood up ,....still looking at me ! Wow wonderful . I did nt knew what to do when i sensed that she was slowly walking towards me ! It was a rainy day and i was sitting in an airconditioned room and still i could feel the sweat running down my forehead . Yah ..she was walking towards me . What was wrong with today .. everything was going so right . I wished i had bought a lottery ticket . i was sure i would win the first prize .

This is just not possible . She was almost three feets from where i was sitting and still looking and walking towards me . This was too much . and i was sure that she was coming for a different reason . May be to pay the bill . May be because she had left something near my seat . I just took out my mobile .There was no calls ..no messages for me . Yet i just fiddled with it as if i was having the most important call of my life.

The way i smiled at her when she said hi .. that will go down in my pathetic history as the most embaressinly ugly and uninviting smile EVER. I mean it was as pathetic and unimaginative as my copied love letters that i gave to every third female that i met ! To my surprise she so gracefully accepted my smile and asked whether she could sit next to me and if i was expecting some one !

This better be real , i hoped . She introduced herself as Shabnam . Now wait a minute . That was something i remembered ! yah Shabnam . But i just could not remember who she really was . She was somewhat upset .on my failure to express some immediate shock or surprise on meeting her on that day at that place .Oh but ofcourse .. Faiz s sister !

She have been there in chennai ever since i landed in this shittly place . She had recognised me from long distance . Now this really shattered all my new found vigour and confidence of my looks . I was really expressionless in the next half an hour dull and dragging conversation with her . It was the most lifeless few minutes that i could ever spent with anyone . Faiz was always very cruel to me ! He even beat me up once ..black and blue . I was sure he would enjoy beating me up again .. for the most silliest of reasons . Some how all the appeal and charm that i saw in Shabnam .. was immediately distilled when she mentioned Faiz . What was i thinking !

Back in my room , I was doing what i did best ! posting ads on adsense . I was sure that i would lose my virginity one day . One day before my impotency and just an hour before i am hunted by erectile dysfunction .Till that time i had adsense .. and some Debonair to comfort me !

Life sux man ! so how do i live with it !! i just lie !! you know untruth !! dreams !! phone sex !! now get out of here and get me some nice girls

First money -Fast money- Adsense
Its as if the world has been obsessively compulsively disordered by one single factor which unites all of its humanity to a common and singular aim in life ! that of making money ..heaps of it .. large chunks and tons of it !They are willing to do anything for paper with Goverment seal of transaction on it .Murder , Rape , Roconnaissance .Comedy , acting ! WHat not ! some are even Presidents for the want and assurance of money

Very rare and few are not comparetively obsessed about money , They are lunatics.and are locked up in Prisons .or misunderstood and stoned . Worse become Icons and called saints . What is so magical about money !

There was a period in my life where i was not so much Obsessed in life about money ! Who am i , ah i forgot to introduce myself na! okay I am Papz . People also call me Krishna . Of the people who call me Krishna , very few i Promote..Like one female called Afrida ! .. Hmm..that period was the time i had spent in nurturing thoughts of making myself creatively available for fellow conniosuers of art and fine things in life .Days and night were so magical and young as well as enchanting .life was nothing short of infinite possibilities.where there was enough time to sleep without guilt and enough food to be eaten without worrying about time or guilt of getting fat . where the most immediate worry was about the mark you may score in the next exam ..or at worse about your next tactic to impress someone who was pissed of so badly during the last time that she refuse to even look at your face even when you are staring point blank at her for the whole day .

I really wondered how humans could change over the years. experience really shapes their personality in ways unfathomable . And after we achieve things more often than not loses their importance . and you almost feel sorry for having lost even the most insignificant things in life .Strange yet more factual than it is fictional !

College was really funny . I really wondered how i could propose to so many girls at so frequent an interval . Being a small college , you almost end up knowing even the blade of grass by Name by the third week you have cofee with them ! But small it was only in numbers . But complexities ... Each individual was an enormous enigma in the ways which left me confused about what they really wanted.One thing..only this much was sure for me ..that every single individual who looked at me must have found something interesting in me ! my Body ..face .. non existant Biceps .

It would not be criminally dishonest if i say that it was more curiousity than hormones which had driven my initial pull towards the girls .And ofcourse . it was considered sort of an image building excercise to say the very least to have atleast someone of opposite sex wildly interested in you . It was at that time that it had occured to me that the Black bombshell Afrida was very obviously single . I mean she was virtually the only one who was ever not engaged with conversation or with telephone over message.Besides She had a silence which had made him assured that she was lonely .

It s always funny when you are not introduced to a girl , and you are wildly interested in her . You do very desperate things to get her attention and years of wisdom so painfully grows along the guilt of having done something incredibly stupid . I mean retarded stuff ..stuff even santaclaus would not do on a christmas day ! Hmm.. i m talking about the way i proposed to her ..or sort of . some crazy ass has told me that she liked Choclate very much . I too have heard that females are wildly attracted to choclate ..and common .. For ages it has been known as a best aphrodesiac . So i tried my luck with Choclate . And i bought lots of it . Literally , I have exhausted the last bit of my pocket money on the best available choclate in the canteen . Hardly had they anything more expensive than could be afforded by Poor students on a diet decided by budget . So i could not buy any expensive choclate . i had to do with Numbers .Where quality is lacking i will do with quantity . She could have lots of it the whole load of it . She could have till she puked ..or sort of !!

Knowing that she would leave to ooty next half an hour a sudden sense of urgency and panic had stuck my mind ! Hardly was it few one kilometer from where i was and from where she would board the bus . And the moron in the canteen was less than able to put the choclates in the packet which would attract even my grandmother ! And this was too huge and investment not to fructify . I just had to do with a Polythene cover .The one which i used to feel so embarressed to take it out to market on a deserted sunday afternoon even ! I cursed among the few ..George W Bush for my plights that day . Hmm any ways ..the choclates was somewhat attractive . atleast i hoped so .

I never knew that i could run so fast . May be it was the choclates were feeding my nerves .Apetiser of soul may be even ! I could see her coming from far . She had a few bags and few ugly bags ..uglier friends .I always had hated Afrida s friends . I thought they were the ones who had currupted her to accepting and appreciating American Nuclear policies . I was till panting under the tree as she was walking towards me . would she kiss me in the lips for buying all the Choclates in that shop .One in each variety !or would she kiss me in the soul with her silence and teasing enchanting smile ! I did not know

I always was amazed how silent and confidant she was even while i was trembling myself for having run out of good humour !I just stood thier like an idiot .I had to talk about the weather and had to ask her the most cliche questions like where she is headed .She must have thought i was somekind of freak for asking such obvious and stupid unimaginative questions.

My very violent sprints failed the strength of the cover , There was a small hole in the bottom of the choclate covers.. it was very embarressing and stupid to look back and see a trail of choclates starting right from the small shop from where i bought the choclates ..Lo.....my whole weeks pocket money was laying there ..as evidence to how stupid and how unimaginative a human can get under the influence of baby testosterone . Words failed me so did emotions when i saw one more was falling right from the cover as i was standing there invariably looking at her , my cover , and my empty pocket

If there is one thing i am not entirely disgusted about the whole incidence is my courage ..or rather lack of intelligence in picking up some of the choclates from the trail .. and getting them back to the cover .. and Giving them to Afrida ! God who ever named her Afrida !As she took it from me ,..she asked me the most painful question .. She asked me whether it was my Birthday . She must have been in Hitlers concentration camps as an employee .. how could someone have the heartlessness to see something as stupid as what i have done .. and still believe that i would be celebrating my birthday by doing something as desperate as this . To my dismay , i found myself nodding my head .

Believe it or not ... this was the way we had met first ..Although being in the same class with her for about one whole year . My appearance reflected in anything with a shiny surface had always discouraged my advancements with girls . I was simply too good .. or so i wanted so desperatley to believe !So i ended up making the most crankiest of jokes and making the most funniest and at times most arrogant of comments .. hoping desperately that anyone wth apprecaition for sense of humour and oddities would atleast dare to look at my corner.But my first meeting with Afrida had failed all my notions about what i had thought about her . At times i thought she was scared of me ..or secretly resented me . When she had came back from her place , i had got her Mobile phone number .

I had lost many layers of my fingertips and keypad in the months which followed. Free message must have been one mistake cell operators would have regretted having given to us as a facility !mostly it was messaging .I wondered ..really wondered what i was to her .She never really aknowledged her feeling towards me . but she confirmed one thing only ..only one thing ..that she could never be in love with me . And i was so stupidly insanely and naivley in love with her .

Not even micro seconds must have passed with the pace of those two years that i spend on phone ..messaging and mails with her . I thought that we had talked through almost anything under the sun .. from sex to religion ...to politics ..philosphies .. food .. kids..movies ..music .I had to read a lot to keep up with the interesting pace of conversation . i had even imagined poetic permenance to our relationships .. I had fantasised about our relationships taking many colours .. that of lovers..brotherhood ... motherhood .. what not ! I had even imagined us messaging each other about stories of movies we had seen just twenty five minutes before we died !

Looking at my clock at 3 '0 clock in the office on a friday evening , All that thoughts haunted my belief in true love and money . Afrida had said good bye once and for ever when last year she had ditched me for a very rich and handsome individual handpicked by her father in Dubai . I felt really disgusted at the whole concept . How could she be so insensitive to my feelings . Is it true that she too was something less innocent than a dogs bottom which was fucked by so many rabid cats ! Wow .. how could she have said all those really nice things about me ! Is it true that she was the same individual who had called him up when ther was a bomb blast in Bangalore .

World was indeed strange .. It has stoned Jesus .. and made George W Bush the President of America ..Although totally unrelated events and individuals in a totally different time scaled..they reflected the average reality of human evolution . I too needed stoning ... from reality ..from Kanja ! from Afrida .I still remembered how defeated .Powerless and so sub human i felt in convincing her that i can somehow work it out between us both . I was still studying at that time , and so was she , But she was a much brighter than me ! Physically , emotionally , and economically ! and she just could not deal with the financial aspects of having to settle with me . But she was cunning enough not to admit to her very raw and cunning motives . She would always flower her bullets with words like friendship .. and what crap ! But i never felt sorry for loving her .I still did ! love her or sorts . But my love i felt was so very much totally unjustifiable even to myself . And this self ..my self was the biggest problem

Myself was incapable of making enough money to meet my very dream and longing since the dawn of my conscious days . I thought even if i made all the money in the world , i would just not get another single moment with my Afrida !

Money ..money .. Money was my revenge ..and i thought that somehow if had made enough money , i would eventually find a way to meet her on a daily basis .. or atleast i thought i would find ways of making her memories less painful . I thought my material gains would compromise my emotional losses .

That is when i heard about adsense .. And it has been a straight ..steady .. erosion of love ..happiness and faith ever since ..


So my advice to you is ..dont believe in love .. dont believe in pain .. dont believe in adsense too .. for they are all a big hoax and conspiracy by none other than Mr you know how .. George W Bush