it is indeed a strange world . to find the answers
is easier than to understand question . Infact all
answers has always been an escapism of sorts from
any real questions.
Why do we ask so many questions . now there
is a certain aesthetics to what is being asked is it
. There were many questions in my life . Some were
stupid ..some intelligent .some funny ..some so
severely depressing ..
I ve asked myself several qeustions to
myself while i was waiting for her to return from
her duty .It had been seven years since i saw her .
Yes exactly seven years .And that too the last time
i saw her it was as if watching a faint flicker of a
lamp before it had went out.Anticipation was leaving
me breathless.Will she really come ..or had this
been a joke all along .Better half of human life had
been spent on waiting .We wait to grow up ..to get
out first bike ride ..we wait for our first kiss..we
wait for our marriage..we wait for our first child
.. his / her education..their achievement .. and the
most helpless waiting.. the waiting for death .. But
waiting for her on the gate in my car had been the
most sweetest waiting i had done so far . The
pleasure and anticipation had far exceeded the
excitement of eagerly awaiting the climax of an
ordinarily intelligent movie .i could sense the pain
in my right eye reoccuring again after the gap of
almost two hours
It had been just one week before that i had
seen accident happen to me after a very long time .
It was unbelievably shocking to say the least
.Aliyaah..that s what i had screamed to Mathew ..as
the bike had almost touched the rim of the road .. i
instantly knew that any amount of screaming ..or
praying ..or any bargain with god can not make me
get back to safety . I was only fearing worse . As i
was plunging head first into tarmac.I did not knew
which part of my body was going to get maximum
punishment . Obviously i had given up any hope of
expecting damages which could be healed within a
week , I had always been amazed how easy or bearable
it is for one to be bleeding all over and still
manage not to faint . Yep what i feared worse had
not happened .. and i did not faint . Only if i was
as courageous and gutsy when i first started
proposing to girls . but when you are in first
standard and still in your diapers of sorts. you
dont exactly evolve your courage to the level of
being steady ! i could find dirt and sand all over
my mouth and eyes .I stopped crying a really long
time ago . My friends bike was lying almost twelve
feet down from the ground . I was so totally
helpless in not being able to go there and do
anything about bringing the bike to road again .
As i had felt the torch of a mobile
telephone probe the extend of my injuries , i felt a
sigh of relief in not having excessive exaggerations
for the one who saw my face in the faint light of
the mobile .He was infact relieved of sorts that i
only had some minor injuries of sorts. but blood ..
The one which is thicker than water..and petrol ..
was running all over my exposed skins . I was not
exactly scared . I only feared not being able to
bath or go to loo without risking infection . Had to
keep out of water till the time i get it healed .the
very water ..the giver of life .Also gave life to
the germs which rot and fed on my wounds and
effectively myself.Water was not my friend ..nor it
was my enemy .infact water was neutral . To me ..to
the microbes..to life .. to death . to healing ..and
It was almost starting to heal.I saw her
standing across the road ! i felt that i would die
of suffocation . She was half naked and fully
clothed . She was autumn and winter and spring
too.She was to me at that moment life for my eyes as
well as ears as much as she was to my heart and to
soul . She asked me to wait .I was willing to wait .
a bit more i thought .. i waited like life waited
for a meaning . like meanings had waited for life !
I still could not believe my eyes ears body
mind or soul that she was walking towards me at that
moment ! There was no magic ! there was no music !
there even was not some fragrance of rose ..nor
lillies or some fantastic and extraordinary
miracles.But still .. that moment .. when she came
near me .. i felt that i was witnessing a miracle .
But for her ..i was just a friend . Infact
may be someone even less than a friend . A curiosity
! yeah .. i mostly thought that i was just a
curiousity to her . Just a passing fancy . May be
she was attracted to me as a child was to bright
flourscent colours . I was absolutely a non
necessory accessory of sorts . Just a decoration .
nothing more . A passtime even at best . or may be
something worse .. a disturbance or an amusement . i
was one of those creatures which could easily have
been dispensed from existance ..so i thought .
I was looking at her face through out the
conversation , i was looking for the slightest hint
of intimacy , which i had hoped for .. dreamed of ..
and could never find in real life . i almost felt
that she was obligated if not anything to ride with
me on her way to her next assignment .
I not exactly enjoyed riding the car i
thought .. i really liked myself not to enjoy riding
cars as much as i do bike s ..But infact it was sad
but true that i indeed loved riding cars as well .
may be more than bike . But cars was something i
could ill afford to run on a regular basis . Bike
was totally fun.Especially My RTR .
She had not spoken that much to me in our
way back . I had imagined my mothers warmth ..my
fathers care ..intelligence wit ..humour and something which answered all my unanswered questions in my conversation with her . but she must have been tired or repulsed or must have felt disgusted that some one could come that distance just to have a chat with her .But what was worse was that i was even feeling responsible for the stale situation.We must have had countless conversations about infinite topics everything under the sun and more . but unfortunately or fortunately , i had always felt that our conversations were incomplete .May be something could not be said , may be somethings needs to be told over and over again.
I had almost missed having several accidents on our way back . Thankfully , but secretely i had always had felt that if i wanted to die , the best was would be to be near her when i did,i had seen several deaths ...murders..suicides..and so called natural death ..none to me had the charm of having the one you love near you .Fulfiling almost our destiny of sorts . Life was to me nothing more than what was happening at that moment , this was probably the very reason why i was born , why i was grown , and probably i would not find something more meaningful in my death too .. so i thought
Forty five minutes of meaningless staring at each other had us reaching metro city in a somewhat lame journey which was wasted as well as disappointing . I smelt nothing but fear and a sense of deeply felt insecurity in her proximity with me . She was to me as close as butter in cold water . like being fed with plastic bag when you are dieing of hunger , i was feeling deeply disappointed and beaten with her warmth . I would have had more warm converstations with an enemy in a battle field right when he was about to kill me with sword .
i did not curse myself or her ..nor did i feel angry or disappointed . A moment was passing by me .. Perhaps the most beautiful moment of my life . Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the history of humanity . Peak of experience and beauty ..
But we were too engaged with our fears that we had missed it ..i feared having her dissappointed with my unimaginative thoughts and conversations..she was fearing many things ..among them the safety of my car and our journey back home .We all miss our moments .. These moments which make life really beautiful does not have to be in a hill station ..or in an exotic islands surrounded by lush greenaries.. These moments are what we could have had with the ones we love .. no matter where ..even in a maruthi Van running on LPG .Only we need to open our eyes ... to the beating hearts .. to emotions and love .. we need to open our eyes and ears .. our soul to life which loves us more than we could ever contain with our entire life of every single human ..animal ..atom .. eletrons or protons .
Sheni i failed to tell you on our way back that i love you . And you failed to hear me say that i love you ..
We both failed our love ..our life .. and our very destiny .. because i feared boring you .. and you feared being with ME