Dissappointing when its love

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Reality Cheking
it is indeed a strange world . to find the answers

is easier than to understand question . Infact all

answers has always been an escapism of sorts from

any real questions.

Why do we ask so many questions . now there

is a certain aesthetics to what is being asked is it

. There were many questions in my life . Some were

stupid ..some intelligent .some funny ..some so

severely depressing ..

I ve asked myself several qeustions to

myself while i was waiting for her to return from

her duty .It had been seven years since i saw her .

Yes exactly seven years .And that too the last time

i saw her it was as if watching a faint flicker of a

lamp before it had went out.Anticipation was leaving

me breathless.Will she really come ..or had this

been a joke all along .Better half of human life had

been spent on waiting .We wait to grow up ..to get

out first bike ride ..we wait for our first kiss..we

wait for our marriage..we wait for our first child

.. his / her education..their achievement .. and the

most helpless waiting.. the waiting for death .. But

waiting for her on the gate in my car had been the

most sweetest waiting i had done so far . The

pleasure and anticipation had far exceeded the

excitement of eagerly awaiting the climax of an

ordinarily intelligent movie .i could sense the pain

in my right eye reoccuring again after the gap of

almost two hours

It had been just one week before that i had

seen accident happen to me after a very long time .

It was unbelievably shocking to say the least

.Aliyaah..that s what i had screamed to Mathew ..as

the bike had almost touched the rim of the road .. i

instantly knew that any amount of screaming ..or

praying ..or any bargain with god can not make me

get back to safety . I was only fearing worse . As i

was plunging head first into tarmac.I did not knew

which part of my body was going to get maximum

punishment . Obviously i had given up any hope of

expecting damages which could be healed within a

week , I had always been amazed how easy or bearable

it is for one to be bleeding all over and still

manage not to faint . Yep what i feared worse had

not happened .. and i did not faint . Only if i was

as courageous and gutsy when i first started

proposing to girls . but when you are in first

standard and still in your diapers of sorts. you

dont exactly evolve your courage to the level of

being steady ! i could find dirt and sand all over

my mouth and eyes .I stopped crying a really long

time ago . My friends bike was lying almost twelve

feet down from the ground . I was so totally

helpless in not being able to go there and do

anything about bringing the bike to road again .

As i had felt the torch of a mobile

telephone probe the extend of my injuries , i felt a

sigh of relief in not having excessive exaggerations

for the one who saw my face in the faint light of

the mobile .He was infact relieved of sorts that i

only had some minor injuries of sorts. but blood ..

The one which is thicker than water..and petrol ..

was running all over my exposed skins . I was not

exactly scared . I only feared not being able to

bath or go to loo without risking infection . Had to

keep out of water till the time i get it healed .the

very water ..the giver of life .Also gave life to

the germs which rot and fed on my wounds and

effectively myself.Water was not my friend ..nor it

was my enemy .infact water was neutral . To me ..to

the microbes..to life .. to death . to healing ..and

for disease.

It was almost starting to heal.I saw her

standing across the road ! i felt that i would die

of suffocation . She was half naked and fully

clothed . She was autumn and winter and spring

too.She was to me at that moment life for my eyes as

well as ears as much as she was to my heart and to

soul . She asked me to wait .I was willing to wait .

a bit more i thought .. i waited like life waited

for a meaning . like meanings had waited for life !

I still could not believe my eyes ears body

mind or soul that she was walking towards me at that

moment ! There was no magic ! there was no music !

there even was not some fragrance of rose ..nor

lillies or some fantastic and extraordinary

miracles.But still .. that moment .. when she came

near me .. i felt that i was witnessing a miracle .

But for her ..i was just a friend . Infact

may be someone even less than a friend . A curiosity

! yeah .. i mostly thought that i was just a

curiousity to her . Just a passing fancy . May be

she was attracted to me as a child was to bright

flourscent colours . I was absolutely a non

necessory accessory of sorts . Just a decoration .

nothing more . A passtime even at best . or may be

something worse .. a disturbance or an amusement . i

was one of those creatures which could easily have

been dispensed from existance ..so i thought .

I was looking at her face through out the

conversation , i was looking for the slightest hint

of intimacy , which i had hoped for .. dreamed of ..

and could never find in real life . i almost felt

that she was obligated if not anything to ride with

me on her way to her next assignment .

I not exactly enjoyed riding the car i

thought .. i really liked myself not to enjoy riding

cars as much as i do bike s ..But infact it was sad

but true that i indeed loved riding cars as well .

may be more than bike . But cars was something i

could ill afford to run on a regular basis . Bike

was totally fun.Especially My RTR .

She had not spoken that much to me in our

way back . I had imagined my mothers warmth ..my

fathers care ..intelligence wit ..humour and something which answered all my unanswered questions in my conversation with her . but she must have been tired or repulsed or must have felt disgusted that some one could come that distance just to have a chat with her .But what was worse was that i was even feeling responsible for the stale situation.We must have had countless conversations about infinite topics everything under the sun and more . but unfortunately or fortunately , i had always felt that our conversations were incomplete .May be something could not be said , may be somethings needs to be told over and over again.

I had almost missed having several accidents on our way back . Thankfully , but secretely i had always had felt that if i wanted to die , the best was would be to be near her when i did,i had seen several deaths ...murders..suicides..and so called natural death ..none to me had the charm of having the one you love near you .Fulfiling almost our destiny of sorts . Life was to me nothing more than what was happening at that moment , this was probably the very reason why i was born , why i was grown , and probably i would not find something more meaningful in my death too .. so i thought

Forty five minutes of meaningless staring at each other had us reaching metro city in a somewhat lame journey which was wasted as well as disappointing . I smelt nothing but fear and a sense of deeply felt insecurity in her proximity with me . She was to me as close as butter in cold water . like being fed with plastic bag when you are dieing of hunger , i was feeling deeply disappointed and beaten with her warmth . I would have had more warm converstations with an enemy in a battle field right when he was about to kill me with sword .

i did not curse myself or her ..nor did i feel angry or disappointed . A moment was passing by me .. Perhaps the most beautiful moment of my life . Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the history of humanity . Peak of experience and beauty ..

But we were too engaged with our fears that we had missed it ..i feared having her dissappointed with my unimaginative thoughts and conversations..she was fearing many things ..among them the safety of my car and our journey back home .We all miss our moments .. These moments which make life really beautiful does not have to be in a hill station ..or in an exotic islands surrounded by lush greenaries.. These moments are what we could have had with the ones we love .. no matter where ..even in a maruthi Van running on LPG .Only we need to open our eyes ... to the beating hearts .. to emotions and love .. we need to open our eyes and ears .. our soul to life which loves us more than we could ever contain with our entire life of every single human ..animal ..atom .. eletrons or protons .

Sheni i failed to tell you on our way back that i love you . And you failed to hear me say that i love you ..

We both failed our love ..our life .. and our very destiny .. because i feared boring you .. and you feared being with ME