Peace and Prayers

Chennai -Adsense and fate
On a saturday evening , Being so terribly and horribly single, taking a stroll on the Beasent Nagar beach , You could see millions , yah literally billions of couples , hand in hand . Browsing shops , having what little could be afforded by their pocket money .But they all indulged in teasing me ..Quinessentially and existentially teasing the reality of my existance as a bachelor being satisfied only by images and videos of mating and dating ! Jealousy..there is no cure for that emotional AIDS i suppose.

Enough was enough , I so desperately wanted a girlfriends ..Now what makes an individual my girlfriend so unique ! i had many friends who also happen to be girls . But there was nothing female about them . Yeah i had good times with them . Even the best time and chat with them . But at the end f the day , they all sounded like myself .May be an extension of my thought or something . There was not at anypoint any singular element in their conversation which had even remotely indicated that they had any trace of female hormones running through their blood . Yeah ..they all loved male stars who were boyish . Yeah they shared their interest in Cooking .But man .. they just were so Masculine and so unbearable in their conversation .May be they dont excite me sexually !

Yah that s it ..Eureka ! YEP sex was the one thing with which i should be able to recognise the one who is my girl friend. Sex is something which is taken for granted by so many of them lucky teenagers endowed with good looks , Pocket money and Their Dads ferrari with petrol ladden enough to give shivers to any pretty thing on short skirt and waxed legs ! But me ..being part of a clan of suckers who would lose their virginity one day before they reach impotency !! i mean male menopause or something na !! Sex was what you would see only in Cathode ray tubes ..and in Pictures ..The stuff dreams and nightmares were made of ! The thing you did to yourself when excitment is unbearable ! I dont have anything to do with sex.I hope they marry me off soon ..in the next five year or something .but by then i would sure to lose all my excitment with sex .and i am sure my loss of excitment would surely benefit my frustrated wife on the look out for youngthings on Pulsors and cycles while i am out in office chugging aways codes and codes of mind numbingly useless programs ! But i had no rights to feel offended .It was a fantasy of mine till i turned to 18 to sleep with those pretty mammas who neighboured our home while their husbands who must have lost thier virginity on age of 40 worked abroad and enriched India s foreign exchange rates ..albiet marginally

Enough was enough ! Its almost twenty six years now since i stepped out of womb ..and almost 10 years since i had experienced my first ejaculation .still it was seeing only the impression of my palm my dear thing down under . Its time that i finally got its due ..I needed a girl friend .

I felt like that stupid Senthil asking Manisha Koirala ...what he lacked that Kamal hasan had ! Yeah logically he was correct only and when you switch off the light i dont think there would be much of a difference between kamal hasan and senthil ...not as much as there is between a ferrari and Mini without petrol! they are just both junk wieghts ...Yah what was wrong with me ! when you switch of the lights that is ! Hmm...i guess nothing

But still i never been a babe magnet .May be it got to do with the place that i am coming from . I always beleived that Kottarakara was a place which groomed morons and politicians .Virtually everyone was trapped in a virtual emotional blindness .The only conversation elders had with youngsters was only about when they are going to school .. what job ..what course ..yeah ..there were some occasional messengers of god ..willing only to exploit our helplessness and social condition . Yeah man .. Kottarakara . Small town with a smaller attitude ,hmm..that definetely caused some anxiety sydrome in me in the way it had always made me feel smaller than i really am . But i was brilliant as a student (atleast i wish to think that way) i had always passed exams without fail . Sometimes i even managed to top the class..And what big mouth i had .I could just about say anything to anyone without caring where i was or whom i was speaking to

Yeah that s it ..I just need to go out there and talk ..Open my mouth and leave it to magic .And that is how i lost my first teeth which inevitably made me visually challenging for onlookers for more than the first glance to look at ! Nowadays even dogs are being scared to look at me for more than five minutes . Talk about symmetry and genetics !! I mean i was perfectly okay with my smile .But the brother of the first girl to whom i proposed after the realisation and confidence of my new found trust in my speaking talents , I had casually just mentioned to Blessy that i was wildly attracted to her and i would not mind having to sleep with her ..Initially she just was speechless . Then she had slapped me ..I should have known that her slap was only a sign of things to come.Just a trailer and teaser before the realy super duper hit ..her brother would stop my M80 and would thrash me in the middle of the road ..

Gandhi must have been a moron to have suggested that you show your other cheek when you are slapped . I showed it and got a bigger slap . I was hoping so desperately that i would not repeat my experience with the one who was smiling at me across the cafe bar ..Was she really smiling at me ! naa .. may be laughing .She must be an oracle ..She must have read through my incessant frustrations .. She was having a cruel joke about me in her mind . What a schmuck i must be ! she must have thought on similiar lines . Okay ... so far so good ! but there was something reassuring to me about the way she looked at me .never at once had she taken her glimpse from me. I think she has this twisted taste ...you know wierd taste .. Not everyone likes to eat raw fish .. rotten eggs ..but there are some people who really love it ..There are even people who would eat tube lights and nails . May be she was just a wierdo trapped in a beautiful female booty !

What the hell , I was ready to take my chance . I mean .. what i got to lose . I lost the better part of my dignity wheni made an arse of myself in front of a class nearing 80 females on a monsoon day when i realised my zipper was open , and i was wearing a torn underwear ..gloriously revealing my most darkest and ugliest secrets . Not a single female dared to look at any direction in which i was coming ! but that was okay ..Past is past and it had helped me exhaust what little illusion i had about my dignity . Having had enough bad taste in cofee shops which served Cuppucino . I just went inside and ordered a Coke

Yeah ..it was so obvious She was looking at me only . I was slowly sipping my coke . I would so casually and so stealthly return her looks with mine ..the way i looked had always been very ugly and untasteful . Wait a minute .. she stood up ,....still looking at me ! Wow wonderful . I did nt knew what to do when i sensed that she was slowly walking towards me ! It was a rainy day and i was sitting in an airconditioned room and still i could feel the sweat running down my forehead . Yah ..she was walking towards me . What was wrong with today .. everything was going so right . I wished i had bought a lottery ticket . i was sure i would win the first prize .

This is just not possible . She was almost three feets from where i was sitting and still looking and walking towards me . This was too much . and i was sure that she was coming for a different reason . May be to pay the bill . May be because she had left something near my seat . I just took out my mobile .There was no calls ..no messages for me . Yet i just fiddled with it as if i was having the most important call of my life.

The way i smiled at her when she said hi .. that will go down in my pathetic history as the most embaressinly ugly and uninviting smile EVER. I mean it was as pathetic and unimaginative as my copied love letters that i gave to every third female that i met ! To my surprise she so gracefully accepted my smile and asked whether she could sit next to me and if i was expecting some one !

This better be real , i hoped . She introduced herself as Shabnam . Now wait a minute . That was something i remembered ! yah Shabnam . But i just could not remember who she really was . She was somewhat upset .on my failure to express some immediate shock or surprise on meeting her on that day at that place .Oh but ofcourse .. Faiz s sister !

She have been there in chennai ever since i landed in this shittly place . She had recognised me from long distance . Now this really shattered all my new found vigour and confidence of my looks . I was really expressionless in the next half an hour dull and dragging conversation with her . It was the most lifeless few minutes that i could ever spent with anyone . Faiz was always very cruel to me ! He even beat me up once ..black and blue . I was sure he would enjoy beating me up again .. for the most silliest of reasons . Some how all the appeal and charm that i saw in Shabnam .. was immediately distilled when she mentioned Faiz . What was i thinking !

Back in my room , I was doing what i did best ! posting ads on adsense . I was sure that i would lose my virginity one day . One day before my impotency and just an hour before i am hunted by erectile dysfunction .Till that time i had adsense .. and some Debonair to comfort me !

Life sux man ! so how do i live with it !! i just lie !! you know untruth !! dreams !! phone sex !! now get out of here and get me some nice girls

First money -Fast money- Adsense
Its as if the world has been obsessively compulsively disordered by one single factor which unites all of its humanity to a common and singular aim in life ! that of making money ..heaps of it .. large chunks and tons of it !They are willing to do anything for paper with Goverment seal of transaction on it .Murder , Rape , Roconnaissance .Comedy , acting ! WHat not ! some are even Presidents for the want and assurance of money

Very rare and few are not comparetively obsessed about money , They are lunatics.and are locked up in Prisons .or misunderstood and stoned . Worse become Icons and called saints . What is so magical about money !

There was a period in my life where i was not so much Obsessed in life about money ! Who am i , ah i forgot to introduce myself na! okay I am Papz . People also call me Krishna . Of the people who call me Krishna , very few i Promote..Like one female called Afrida ! .. Hmm..that period was the time i had spent in nurturing thoughts of making myself creatively available for fellow conniosuers of art and fine things in life .Days and night were so magical and young as well as enchanting .life was nothing short of infinite possibilities.where there was enough time to sleep without guilt and enough food to be eaten without worrying about time or guilt of getting fat . where the most immediate worry was about the mark you may score in the next exam ..or at worse about your next tactic to impress someone who was pissed of so badly during the last time that she refuse to even look at your face even when you are staring point blank at her for the whole day .

I really wondered how humans could change over the years. experience really shapes their personality in ways unfathomable . And after we achieve things more often than not loses their importance . and you almost feel sorry for having lost even the most insignificant things in life .Strange yet more factual than it is fictional !

College was really funny . I really wondered how i could propose to so many girls at so frequent an interval . Being a small college , you almost end up knowing even the blade of grass by Name by the third week you have cofee with them ! But small it was only in numbers . But complexities ... Each individual was an enormous enigma in the ways which left me confused about what they really wanted.One thing..only this much was sure for me ..that every single individual who looked at me must have found something interesting in me ! my Body ..face .. non existant Biceps .

It would not be criminally dishonest if i say that it was more curiousity than hormones which had driven my initial pull towards the girls .And ofcourse . it was considered sort of an image building excercise to say the very least to have atleast someone of opposite sex wildly interested in you . It was at that time that it had occured to me that the Black bombshell Afrida was very obviously single . I mean she was virtually the only one who was ever not engaged with conversation or with telephone over message.Besides She had a silence which had made him assured that she was lonely .

It s always funny when you are not introduced to a girl , and you are wildly interested in her . You do very desperate things to get her attention and years of wisdom so painfully grows along the guilt of having done something incredibly stupid . I mean retarded stuff ..stuff even santaclaus would not do on a christmas day ! Hmm.. i m talking about the way i proposed to her ..or sort of . some crazy ass has told me that she liked Choclate very much . I too have heard that females are wildly attracted to choclate ..and common .. For ages it has been known as a best aphrodesiac . So i tried my luck with Choclate . And i bought lots of it . Literally , I have exhausted the last bit of my pocket money on the best available choclate in the canteen . Hardly had they anything more expensive than could be afforded by Poor students on a diet decided by budget . So i could not buy any expensive choclate . i had to do with Numbers .Where quality is lacking i will do with quantity . She could have lots of it the whole load of it . She could have till she puked ..or sort of !!

Knowing that she would leave to ooty next half an hour a sudden sense of urgency and panic had stuck my mind ! Hardly was it few one kilometer from where i was and from where she would board the bus . And the moron in the canteen was less than able to put the choclates in the packet which would attract even my grandmother ! And this was too huge and investment not to fructify . I just had to do with a Polythene cover .The one which i used to feel so embarressed to take it out to market on a deserted sunday afternoon even ! I cursed among the few ..George W Bush for my plights that day . Hmm any ways ..the choclates was somewhat attractive . atleast i hoped so .

I never knew that i could run so fast . May be it was the choclates were feeding my nerves .Apetiser of soul may be even ! I could see her coming from far . She had a few bags and few ugly bags ..uglier friends .I always had hated Afrida s friends . I thought they were the ones who had currupted her to accepting and appreciating American Nuclear policies . I was till panting under the tree as she was walking towards me . would she kiss me in the lips for buying all the Choclates in that shop .One in each variety !or would she kiss me in the soul with her silence and teasing enchanting smile ! I did not know

I always was amazed how silent and confidant she was even while i was trembling myself for having run out of good humour !I just stood thier like an idiot .I had to talk about the weather and had to ask her the most cliche questions like where she is headed .She must have thought i was somekind of freak for asking such obvious and stupid unimaginative questions.

My very violent sprints failed the strength of the cover , There was a small hole in the bottom of the choclate covers.. it was very embarressing and stupid to look back and see a trail of choclates starting right from the small shop from where i bought the choclates ..Lo.....my whole weeks pocket money was laying there ..as evidence to how stupid and how unimaginative a human can get under the influence of baby testosterone . Words failed me so did emotions when i saw one more was falling right from the cover as i was standing there invariably looking at her , my cover , and my empty pocket

If there is one thing i am not entirely disgusted about the whole incidence is my courage ..or rather lack of intelligence in picking up some of the choclates from the trail .. and getting them back to the cover .. and Giving them to Afrida ! God who ever named her Afrida !As she took it from me ,..she asked me the most painful question .. She asked me whether it was my Birthday . She must have been in Hitlers concentration camps as an employee .. how could someone have the heartlessness to see something as stupid as what i have done .. and still believe that i would be celebrating my birthday by doing something as desperate as this . To my dismay , i found myself nodding my head .

Believe it or not ... this was the way we had met first ..Although being in the same class with her for about one whole year . My appearance reflected in anything with a shiny surface had always discouraged my advancements with girls . I was simply too good .. or so i wanted so desperatley to believe !So i ended up making the most crankiest of jokes and making the most funniest and at times most arrogant of comments .. hoping desperately that anyone wth apprecaition for sense of humour and oddities would atleast dare to look at my corner.But my first meeting with Afrida had failed all my notions about what i had thought about her . At times i thought she was scared of me ..or secretly resented me . When she had came back from her place , i had got her Mobile phone number .

I had lost many layers of my fingertips and keypad in the months which followed. Free message must have been one mistake cell operators would have regretted having given to us as a facility !mostly it was messaging .I wondered ..really wondered what i was to her .She never really aknowledged her feeling towards me . but she confirmed one thing only ..only one thing ..that she could never be in love with me . And i was so stupidly insanely and naivley in love with her .

Not even micro seconds must have passed with the pace of those two years that i spend on phone ..messaging and mails with her . I thought that we had talked through almost anything under the sun .. from sex to religion ...to politics ..philosphies .. food .. kids..movies ..music .I had to read a lot to keep up with the interesting pace of conversation . i had even imagined poetic permenance to our relationships .. I had fantasised about our relationships taking many colours .. that of lovers..brotherhood ... motherhood .. what not ! I had even imagined us messaging each other about stories of movies we had seen just twenty five minutes before we died !

Looking at my clock at 3 '0 clock in the office on a friday evening , All that thoughts haunted my belief in true love and money . Afrida had said good bye once and for ever when last year she had ditched me for a very rich and handsome individual handpicked by her father in Dubai . I felt really disgusted at the whole concept . How could she be so insensitive to my feelings . Is it true that she too was something less innocent than a dogs bottom which was fucked by so many rabid cats ! Wow .. how could she have said all those really nice things about me ! Is it true that she was the same individual who had called him up when ther was a bomb blast in Bangalore .

World was indeed strange .. It has stoned Jesus .. and made George W Bush the President of America ..Although totally unrelated events and individuals in a totally different time scaled..they reflected the average reality of human evolution . I too needed stoning ... from reality ..from Kanja ! from Afrida .I still remembered how defeated .Powerless and so sub human i felt in convincing her that i can somehow work it out between us both . I was still studying at that time , and so was she , But she was a much brighter than me ! Physically , emotionally , and economically ! and she just could not deal with the financial aspects of having to settle with me . But she was cunning enough not to admit to her very raw and cunning motives . She would always flower her bullets with words like friendship .. and what crap ! But i never felt sorry for loving her .I still did ! love her or sorts . But my love i felt was so very much totally unjustifiable even to myself . And this self ..my self was the biggest problem

Myself was incapable of making enough money to meet my very dream and longing since the dawn of my conscious days . I thought even if i made all the money in the world , i would just not get another single moment with my Afrida !

Money ..money .. Money was my revenge ..and i thought that somehow if had made enough money , i would eventually find a way to meet her on a daily basis .. or atleast i thought i would find ways of making her memories less painful . I thought my material gains would compromise my emotional losses .

That is when i heard about adsense .. And it has been a straight ..steady .. erosion of love ..happiness and faith ever since ..


So my advice to you is ..dont believe in love .. dont believe in pain .. dont believe in adsense too .. for they are all a big hoax and conspiracy by none other than Mr you know how .. George W Bush