Showing posts with label relationships.Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships.Romance. Show all posts

Evolution of madness

Monday, July 23, 2012
Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments

Madness....



What is madness ? I have a history with madness. My life is full of mad people. Karl marx, Tolstoy, Gandhi, Osho, Jesus, My father and mother, Even my grandmother ..Just to name a few.

Some were temporarily mad, You know light madness. Like madness with selective amnesia and frequent forgetfullness. I think 99.998 Percentage of human beings and chimpanzees are lightly and slightly mad. They become and behave like the clinically and seriously mad people at some point of their life. Atleast once a day they become this mad mad mad psycopaths who are so blinded by their madness that they for one very eventful micro second, become blinded and driven by this madness. May be my sense of observation is a bit sharp.

--> when you go for that smoke despite the sane voice in you ? you are that mad man !!
--> Like when you curse someone in a fit of rage?
--> like when you feel like / actually beating your child ! ?
--> You are mad when you lieing !

But I fail not to see a moment of madness in someone except for may be when I am in love(with them or their daughter) I think love is the only one emotion which can address and cure this madness in us. Permanent and temporary madness. When we love we become benevolent, We become like Jesus christ and we see only beauty and no ugliness. When we love we become profound and we become poets. We even see beyond wealth health and form factor of body too. May be a reason why Jesus says God is love..

Or God might have been in love when he created this world and this madness. He must have loved so much that he must have created a reason for this love to exist. Like Ying and Yang. I think the opposite of love is madness.

It is very difficult to imagine or explain this madness. Most madness is like Godness. Or goodness. YOu can feel it but really can not describe or define it. Definition differs from madness to madness and people to people. For me spending hours staring at Glass door of open shops is pure madness. But my wife achieves orgasm and childbirth (both at the same time ) when she watches these open shop doors. And for her, She just could nt understand my wanderlust. The need to travel. When someone as close as a couple. Supposedly close and intimate humans living together under same roof in an agreement to tackle the madness of marriage have such a vastly different opinion of what madness actually is, You can imagine the entire lot of humanity

The human race itself has this whole history of terrible, horrible and the most forgetful madness. They celebrate the culmination of this madness with grand fireworks and explosion of atom bombs.


Most of this madness are just like Chemistry. They are built up of the elements of hatred, lust, jealousy, insecurity and greed.



You see, I think the concept of marriage in itself is the root of all of the social collective genocides. The really ugly and mad comedy about marriage is, those who have done always regret it and those who did nt do always and so desperately want to be married. Well .. It is not that they want to get married. You see in a society where you get free/ unlimited / safe / secure guilt free sex for men. And financial and shame free freedom for women,  The concept of marriage is as ridiculous as Obama and his policies. But in the real world. Where sex, procreation is seen as a perversion, and naked body is seen / percieved as vulgar. Well Marriage is the only way you can share your deep dark secretive sanity to someone for about five milliseconds.
You see this five millisecond of sanity is insanely powerful. For sanity is sanity it does nt matter what you have to go through to achieve it.
 
You see, My friend , One of my very good friend. He is so naturally relaxed. So perfectly calm. So attractive that almost all girls in my class including the one from a hill station had proposed to him . He is so very tensed that he is almost mad now. The entire human race and his parents are .. kind of forcing him to find a bride. He is 30 now. The age in a guy s life to get married. It is a very critical age. It is like now or never. He is no more a naturally relaxed so perfectly calm person. He looks like he can kill, and torture an entire human race once again. He looks like he is ready for another world war. He was mad. . . An evolution of human race from sanity to insanity . From necessity to vulgarity . From food to MacDonalds

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Evolution of madness

Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments

Madness....

What is madness ? I have a history with madness. My life is full of mad people. Karl marx, Tolstoy, Gandhi, Osho, Jesus, My father and mother, Even my grandmother ..Just to name a few. 

Some were temporarily mad, You know light madness. Like madness with selective amnesia and frequent forgetfullness. I think 99.998 Percentage of human beings and chimpanzees are lightly and slightly mad. They become and behave like the clinically and seriously mad people at some point of their life. Atleast once a day they become this mad mad mad psycopaths who are so blinded by their madness that they for one very eventful micro second, become blinded and driven by this madness. May be my sense of observation is a bit sharp.

--> when you go for that smoke despite the sane voice in you ? you are that mad man !!
--> Like when you curse someone in a fit of rage?
--> like when you feel like / actually beating your child ! ?
--> You are mad when you lieing !

But I fail not to see a moment of madness in someone except for may be when I am in love(with them or their daughter) I think love is the only one emotion which can address and cure this madness in us. Permanent and temporary madness. When we love we become benevolent, We become like Jesus christ and we see only beauty and no ugliness. When we love we become profound and we become poets. We even see beyond wealth health and form factor of body too. May be a reason why Jesus says God is love..

Or God might have been in love when he created this world and this madness. He must have loved so much that he must have created a reason for this love to exist. Like Ying and Yang. I think the opposite of love is madness.

It is very difficult to imagine or explain this madness. Most madness is like Godness. Or goodness. YOu can feel it but really can not describe or define it. Definition differs from madness to madness and people to people. For me spending hours staring at Glass door of open shops is pure madness. But my wife achieves orgasm and childbirth (both at the same time ) when she watches these open shop doors. And for her, She just could nt understand my wanderlust. The need to travel. When someone as close as a couple. Supposedly close and intimate humans living together under same roof in an agreement to tackle the madness of marriage have such a vastly different opinion of what madness actually is, You can imagine the entire lot of humanity

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I love you my friend

Monday, June 21, 2010
Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments

Is there no god , is god so insensitive as to be a silent witness to my overwhelmingly desperate attempts ..to be with her . The only her in my life . the perfect her . . .the lady of my dreams ..

I had her in my dreams yesterday too . Even in the busy hours of traffic when half the world and a moron was honking me from behind . I was lost in her . I was lost in my dreams about her . What was it about her . She was not the most beautiful women of the world . She was not like the beautiful women I had seen . She was hardly the most well dressed . She even made me feel embarressed that I was obsessed with her .

what was it . was it the fact ..that she used to help me .with my studies . . That she used to carry my notebooks if I had missed it in the class . Was it because she used to scold me for the spelling mistakes in my blog . May be it was because she used to walk with me . The most beautiful walks of my life . when we used to be so silent that we hardly missed nothing . Absolutely nothing . everything to us was very clear . We were almost absent in those moments . We were one with the beautiful trees . She had this innocent little charming things to say . Some boring things . yet her innocence had santified it from the boredom ..

She was a friend of mine . A friend of mine when I needed her . May be she was my best friend . with whom I shared everything . Like my secrets , that I feared snakes and roaches . Like the time I stole fifty rupees from dad ....Like she scolded me ..Like she pinched me every time when I used to smell cigarettes . She was like my mother . May be more as she was my friend too . . . . Motherly friend ...heavenly friend . She was not god ..But everything else and much more . .

where was she . Does nt she know that I cry , That I miss her ..even as I have become a man . . Like a man almost twenty five for the last five years !! It was like some seven years ..since I saw her . heard from her . . .She was like ..almost absent except for these painful memories and dreams about her . . was she really real . existant ? No now she was not there . To see me cry . . I thanked god . . As it would shock her ..to think that this communist rationalist passionless absurdist existential philosopher blogger can cry . But yes . The pain was absolutely real . It ached , Like a head being chopped very slowly , it killed me slowly to learn that she was gone almost forever . Were it all lies ..

So sorry am I miss sunshine and beautiful beaches . I am sorry , so sorry that I said to you ....

That I love you .. that I wanted you to live with me forever as My dear wife . . I am so sorry that I did nt realise that you were much more . You could only be much very more to me than someone who is just a wife . You were my friend , My only friend .. . But how could you ..just leave ..Just once when I said ...I love you ..

May be you read much more than words . May be you read a man , Twenty three years old . His passion , His selfishness . . . His stupidities . You were looking for a man , I was still a boy . Your friend I was ..

Are you still the same my friend ....Are you still ..at me ..for wanting you ...destroying everything so fine . so funny about us ..for making you want to move away from you and us

I wish I really could tell that boy . . . make him understand . .that life is not so simple . To make the girl you love understand and accept that fact that it s love ...


It is but too late now , I am too old now , Like I am thirty million years old now and so dead now ..

To revisit the past ..and meet two people , You and me ..To tell us that ...

It is okay . the world wont care , nor would these stars , trees , and morning sunshine . That two people did stupid things . . and were angry at each other for a while . That we can still call , converse , and hug ..

be a man , and you my women . . For you see you se ...i am still the same , the love still remains .. I still cherish..the moments that were we !

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The extraordinary Love affair with love

Thursday, June 17, 2010
Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments

Love , it is an existential crisis . It is a crisis of much bigger magnitude and scale than that of hunger ,death ,religion ,world wars,and rising cost of petrol and itch gaurd ! so what is love , and more importantly why oh why is love ! ? is there any purpose . I dont see a dog devdas/romeo , or a cat paro/Juliet ! yet love in effect is always and almost certainly sexual . I mean the love that I am talking about , which is the existential crisis could only be sexual

Love as seen by an average Indian film maker

My early exposure to things other than Indian or some outsider perspective was from the numerous firangi phoreners who came visiting my monsoon clad Kerala . There was this beedi sipping couple from Amsterdam (To protect the identity of Sam and Rosy I am not revealing their names), to whom I showed numerous malayalam/tamil/hindi/telgu films . Being the Indian kid I was , I judged a film by the number of fights and the height of the fall hero took to save the heroine . And of course songs make or break any average Indian film . So the universal theme of every single one of them was LOVE . Action stories have love , thrillers had love , There was not a damn film without hero or heroine s . Ofcourse there was this rare one or two released once in every one thousand two hundred ninty seven years which dealt with things other than love , or fight , or revenge . But they were not meant to be seen by humans with ordinary thinking or Indian thinking . it was an exercise of intelligence only meant to be suffered in a dark theater with depressing silence . .

So love was everywhere in an Indian films . in fact so much so that the thing which made one movie different from other was perhaps different actors . So you had the same story repeatedly and shamelessly told for over a hundred years . Only with very minor costume changes . and of-course music was slightly changed . Earlier it was an influence of carnatic music , With Maestro (So called) Ilayaraaja with same tune and raaga for every song . But they were sad . Reminded them of their failed love affairs .Some times so sad that , concept of sadness as a feeling was introduced first time to the growing kids only by these songs . The prime example would be the following link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8a01hyNlh4

So here is the Hero of the film , Mr Quintessential hero of any south indian love story . he is so sad that he did nt even get the time to shave . So he sings this song

Vellai pura ondru ponathu kaiyil varaamale

so it was so pathetic to hear this song and this sadness ,that usually females and males even dogs , fell in love and was ready to do anything , so that this guy may stop singing and shave his pathetic beard . So it was sympathetically pathetic love !

I guess if it was nt for the literature ,songs and films there just would nt be any love . Why would there be love . what was this existential feeling of being incapacitated without the presence of certain someone in your life . I have heard sane sensible reasonably intelligent guys being greatly depressed when they were ,like denied their interests (romantic/sexual)in a certain members of opposite sex . Of-course it was mathematically impossible for the most attractive female in the class to be in love with almost sexteen guys in the class .But our raging and often boiling hormones was blind to mathematics , physics ,biology and general logic too.So we all fell in love at the same time with the same girl(s) So it was love traingle and quadrilaterals

But was it really love , The love which I had felt for her .

Well she was as I told you almost three times ,The most attractive in our class , And I was studying in Second standard . I dont know what had made her so attractive , being Eight years old , I was almost her age . She was not as attractive as Shakeela or reshma for that matter (they are mainstream hollywood actors in Kerala ) But she was slightly fair (the universal factor which made people feel attractive or attracted ) And she had this pencil box which made weird electronic sounds when she opened it . And yeah I was extremely shy and self conscious in front of her . I used to sing , songs aloud , Just to make her notice me . And in school bus , when she sat in front of my seat , I constantly watched her . some times , some rare times , When I fell down , or sang songs , she looked at me too . It lasted for three milli seconds , May be even less . But that was like .. some moments etched in my little tiny irregularly beating heart . It was when I was in eighth standard , Roughly at the age of fourteen , that we had telephone connection in our home . It was an exciting time. She being what she was , she had a telephone almost immediately . Yeah it was fashionable and innocent back then to ask for people s number and it was easy to figure out people s number from through the directory . So we used to talk . . And we used to talk . And god the conversation lasted for almost twenty five million lifetimes for the almost two three hours Come to think of it , it was a hopelessly dull conversations. But it felt good to talk .it felt sexually right to talk , normal . Even at times I felt proud that I was almost having a steady telephonic relationship with a girl of my Kindergarten dreams

Soon our lives took us to different streams . Me was mostly unemployed and uneducated except for my masters . She remained dumb despite her degree in Medicine . Then we met other people and so conveniently forgot ..each other .She was nt that beating heart , mesmerizing angelic female . was this the fading love . this was repeated , The whole cycle of extraordinary females and their falls to ordinary mortals ..many times

But each time this cycle had left me feel more empty than previously , Each of the cycle of life , had wiped my belief in love stories as told by films , songs and literature . People were people , Just ordinary or extraordinary as you yourself are . You just see them with this magnifying glass . which make you feel sad , after you realize that they could fart ,snore ,and smell

yet the vicious cyle of love letters and telephonic conversations continue . As they say wars are due to the hopelessly depressing boredom , so is love . Although completely illogical and serving no purpose for evolution , Love continues to exist . In-fact evolve and refine itself into poems and great world literature . It fuels passion , kissing s , and depressions of us . . the hapless humans trapped in our want to love and be loved . Love may be god , But its absence surely invites devil !

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Dissappointing when its love

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments

Reality Cheking
it is indeed a strange world . to find the answers

is easier than to understand question . Infact all

answers has always been an escapism of sorts from

any real questions.

Why do we ask so many questions . now there

is a certain aesthetics to what is being asked is it

. There were many questions in my life . Some were

stupid ..some intelligent .some funny ..some so

severely depressing ..


I ve asked myself several qeustions to

myself while i was waiting for her to return from

her duty .It had been seven years since i saw her .

Yes exactly seven years .And that too the last time

i saw her it was as if watching a faint flicker of a

lamp before it had went out.Anticipation was leaving

me breathless.Will she really come ..or had this

been a joke all along .Better half of human life had

been spent on waiting .We wait to grow up ..to get

out first bike ride ..we wait for our first kiss..we

wait for our marriage..we wait for our first child

.. his / her education..their achievement .. and the

most helpless waiting.. the waiting for death .. But

waiting for her on the gate in my car had been the

most sweetest waiting i had done so far . The

pleasure and anticipation had far exceeded the

excitement of eagerly awaiting the climax of an

ordinarily intelligent movie .i could sense the pain

in my right eye reoccuring again after the gap of

almost two hours

It had been just one week before that i had

seen accident happen to me after a very long time .

It was unbelievably shocking to say the least

.Aliyaah..that s what i had screamed to Mathew ..as

the bike had almost touched the rim of the road .. i

instantly knew that any amount of screaming ..or

praying ..or any bargain with god can not make me

get back to safety . I was only fearing worse . As i

was plunging head first into tarmac.I did not knew

which part of my body was going to get maximum

punishment . Obviously i had given up any hope of

expecting damages which could be healed within a

week , I had always been amazed how easy or bearable

it is for one to be bleeding all over and still

manage not to faint . Yep what i feared worse had

not happened .. and i did not faint . Only if i was

as courageous and gutsy when i first started

proposing to girls . but when you are in first

standard and still in your diapers of sorts. you

dont exactly evolve your courage to the level of

being steady ! i could find dirt and sand all over

my mouth and eyes .I stopped crying a really long

time ago . My friends bike was lying almost twelve

feet down from the ground . I was so totally

helpless in not being able to go there and do

anything about bringing the bike to road again .

As i had felt the torch of a mobile

telephone probe the extend of my injuries , i felt a

sigh of relief in not having excessive exaggerations

for the one who saw my face in the faint light of

the mobile .He was infact relieved of sorts that i

only had some minor injuries of sorts. but blood ..

The one which is thicker than water..and petrol ..

was running all over my exposed skins . I was not

exactly scared . I only feared not being able to

bath or go to loo without risking infection . Had to

keep out of water till the time i get it healed .the

very water ..the giver of life .Also gave life to

the germs which rot and fed on my wounds and

effectively myself.Water was not my friend ..nor it

was my enemy .infact water was neutral . To me ..to

the microbes..to life .. to death . to healing ..and

for disease.

It was almost starting to heal.I saw her

standing across the road ! i felt that i would die

of suffocation . She was half naked and fully

clothed . She was autumn and winter and spring

too.She was to me at that moment life for my eyes as

well as ears as much as she was to my heart and to

soul . She asked me to wait .I was willing to wait .

a bit more i thought .. i waited like life waited

for a meaning . like meanings had waited for life !

I still could not believe my eyes ears body

mind or soul that she was walking towards me at that

moment ! There was no magic ! there was no music !

there even was not some fragrance of rose ..nor

lillies or some fantastic and extraordinary

miracles.But still .. that moment .. when she came

near me .. i felt that i was witnessing a miracle .

But for her ..i was just a friend . Infact

may be someone even less than a friend . A curiosity

! yeah .. i mostly thought that i was just a

curiousity to her . Just a passing fancy . May be

she was attracted to me as a child was to bright

flourscent colours . I was absolutely a non

necessory accessory of sorts . Just a decoration .

nothing more . A passtime even at best . or may be

something worse .. a disturbance or an amusement . i

was one of those creatures which could easily have

been dispensed from existance ..so i thought .

I was looking at her face through out the

conversation , i was looking for the slightest hint

of intimacy , which i had hoped for .. dreamed of ..

and could never find in real life . i almost felt

that she was obligated if not anything to ride with

me on her way to her next assignment .


I not exactly enjoyed riding the car i

thought .. i really liked myself not to enjoy riding

cars as much as i do bike s ..But infact it was sad

but true that i indeed loved riding cars as well .

may be more than bike . But cars was something i

could ill afford to run on a regular basis . Bike

was totally fun.Especially My RTR .


She had not spoken that much to me in our

way back . I had imagined my mothers warmth ..my

fathers care ..intelligence wit ..humour and something which answered all my unanswered questions in my conversation with her . but she must have been tired or repulsed or must have felt disgusted that some one could come that distance just to have a chat with her .But what was worse was that i was even feeling responsible for the stale situation.We must have had countless conversations about infinite topics everything under the sun and more . but unfortunately or fortunately , i had always felt that our conversations were incomplete .May be something could not be said , may be somethings needs to be told over and over again.

I had almost missed having several accidents on our way back . Thankfully , but secretely i had always had felt that if i wanted to die , the best was would be to be near her when i did,i had seen several deaths ...murders..suicides..and so called natural death ..none to me had the charm of having the one you love near you .Fulfiling almost our destiny of sorts . Life was to me nothing more than what was happening at that moment , this was probably the very reason why i was born , why i was grown , and probably i would not find something more meaningful in my death too .. so i thought


Forty five minutes of meaningless staring at each other had us reaching metro city in a somewhat lame journey which was wasted as well as disappointing . I smelt nothing but fear and a sense of deeply felt insecurity in her proximity with me . She was to me as close as butter in cold water . like being fed with plastic bag when you are dieing of hunger , i was feeling deeply disappointed and beaten with her warmth . I would have had more warm converstations with an enemy in a battle field right when he was about to kill me with sword .


i did not curse myself or her ..nor did i feel angry or disappointed . A moment was passing by me .. Perhaps the most beautiful moment of my life . Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the history of humanity . Peak of experience and beauty ..

But we were too engaged with our fears that we had missed it ..i feared having her dissappointed with my unimaginative thoughts and conversations..she was fearing many things ..among them the safety of my car and our journey back home .We all miss our moments .. These moments which make life really beautiful does not have to be in a hill station ..or in an exotic islands surrounded by lush greenaries.. These moments are what we could have had with the ones we love .. no matter where ..even in a maruthi Van running on LPG .Only we need to open our eyes ... to the beating hearts .. to emotions and love .. we need to open our eyes and ears .. our soul to life which loves us more than we could ever contain with our entire life of every single human ..animal ..atom .. eletrons or protons .

Sheni i failed to tell you on our way back that i love you . And you failed to hear me say that i love you ..

We both failed our love ..our life .. and our very destiny .. because i feared boring you .. and you feared being with ME

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Adsense My A@#@

Saturday, August 9, 2008
Posted by Sureshkumar
0 Comments


First money -Fast money- Adsense
Its as if the world has been obsessively compulsively disordered by one single factor which unites all of its humanity to a common and singular aim in life ! that of making money ..heaps of it .. large chunks and tons of it !They are willing to do anything for paper with Goverment seal of transaction on it .Murder , Rape , Roconnaissance .Comedy , acting ! WHat not ! some are even Presidents for the want and assurance of money

Very rare and few are not comparetively obsessed about money , They are lunatics.and are locked up in Prisons .or misunderstood and stoned . Worse become Icons and called saints . What is so magical about money !

There was a period in my life where i was not so much Obsessed in life about money ! Who am i , ah i forgot to introduce myself na! okay I am Papz . People also call me Krishna . Of the people who call me Krishna , very few i Promote..Like one female called Afrida ! .. Hmm..that period was the time i had spent in nurturing thoughts of making myself creatively available for fellow conniosuers of art and fine things in life .Days and night were so magical and young as well as enchanting .life was nothing short of infinite possibilities.where there was enough time to sleep without guilt and enough food to be eaten without worrying about time or guilt of getting fat . where the most immediate worry was about the mark you may score in the next exam ..or at worse about your next tactic to impress someone who was pissed of so badly during the last time that she refuse to even look at your face even when you are staring point blank at her for the whole day .

I really wondered how humans could change over the years. experience really shapes their personality in ways unfathomable . And after we achieve things more often than not loses their importance . and you almost feel sorry for having lost even the most insignificant things in life .Strange yet more factual than it is fictional !

College was really funny . I really wondered how i could propose to so many girls at so frequent an interval . Being a small college , you almost end up knowing even the blade of grass by Name by the third week you have cofee with them ! But small it was only in numbers . But complexities ... Each individual was an enormous enigma in the ways which left me confused about what they really wanted.One thing..only this much was sure for me ..that every single individual who looked at me must have found something interesting in me ! my Body ..face .. non existant Biceps .

It would not be criminally dishonest if i say that it was more curiousity than hormones which had driven my initial pull towards the girls .And ofcourse . it was considered sort of an image building excercise to say the very least to have atleast someone of opposite sex wildly interested in you . It was at that time that it had occured to me that the Black bombshell Afrida was very obviously single . I mean she was virtually the only one who was ever not engaged with conversation or with telephone over message.Besides She had a silence which had made him assured that she was lonely .

It s always funny when you are not introduced to a girl , and you are wildly interested in her . You do very desperate things to get her attention and years of wisdom so painfully grows along the guilt of having done something incredibly stupid . I mean retarded stuff ..stuff even santaclaus would not do on a christmas day ! Hmm.. i m talking about the way i proposed to her ..or sort of . some crazy ass has told me that she liked Choclate very much . I too have heard that females are wildly attracted to choclate ..and common .. For ages it has been known as a best aphrodesiac . So i tried my luck with Choclate . And i bought lots of it . Literally , I have exhausted the last bit of my pocket money on the best available choclate in the canteen . Hardly had they anything more expensive than could be afforded by Poor students on a diet decided by budget . So i could not buy any expensive choclate . i had to do with Numbers .Where quality is lacking i will do with quantity . She could have lots of it the whole load of it . She could have till she puked ..or sort of !!

Knowing that she would leave to ooty next half an hour a sudden sense of urgency and panic had stuck my mind ! Hardly was it few one kilometer from where i was and from where she would board the bus . And the moron in the canteen was less than able to put the choclates in the packet which would attract even my grandmother ! And this was too huge and investment not to fructify . I just had to do with a Polythene cover .The one which i used to feel so embarressed to take it out to market on a deserted sunday afternoon even ! I cursed among the few ..George W Bush for my plights that day . Hmm any ways ..the choclates was somewhat attractive . atleast i hoped so .

I never knew that i could run so fast . May be it was the choclates were feeding my nerves .Apetiser of soul may be even ! I could see her coming from far . She had a few bags and few ugly bags ..uglier friends .I always had hated Afrida s friends . I thought they were the ones who had currupted her to accepting and appreciating American Nuclear policies . I was till panting under the tree as she was walking towards me . would she kiss me in the lips for buying all the Choclates in that shop .One in each variety !or would she kiss me in the soul with her silence and teasing enchanting smile ! I did not know

I always was amazed how silent and confidant she was even while i was trembling myself for having run out of good humour !I just stood thier like an idiot .I had to talk about the weather and had to ask her the most cliche questions like where she is headed .She must have thought i was somekind of freak for asking such obvious and stupid unimaginative questions.

My very violent sprints failed the strength of the cover , There was a small hole in the bottom of the choclate covers.. it was very embarressing and stupid to look back and see a trail of choclates starting right from the small shop from where i bought the choclates ..Lo.....my whole weeks pocket money was laying there ..as evidence to how stupid and how unimaginative a human can get under the influence of baby testosterone . Words failed me so did emotions when i saw one more was falling right from the cover as i was standing there invariably looking at her , my cover , and my empty pocket

If there is one thing i am not entirely disgusted about the whole incidence is my courage ..or rather lack of intelligence in picking up some of the choclates from the trail .. and getting them back to the cover .. and Giving them to Afrida ! God who ever named her Afrida !As she took it from me ,..she asked me the most painful question .. She asked me whether it was my Birthday . She must have been in Hitlers concentration camps as an employee .. how could someone have the heartlessness to see something as stupid as what i have done .. and still believe that i would be celebrating my birthday by doing something as desperate as this . To my dismay , i found myself nodding my head .

Believe it or not ... this was the way we had met first ..Although being in the same class with her for about one whole year . My appearance reflected in anything with a shiny surface had always discouraged my advancements with girls . I was simply too good .. or so i wanted so desperatley to believe !So i ended up making the most crankiest of jokes and making the most funniest and at times most arrogant of comments .. hoping desperately that anyone wth apprecaition for sense of humour and oddities would atleast dare to look at my corner.But my first meeting with Afrida had failed all my notions about what i had thought about her . At times i thought she was scared of me ..or secretly resented me . When she had came back from her place , i had got her Mobile phone number .

I had lost many layers of my fingertips and keypad in the months which followed. Free message must have been one mistake cell operators would have regretted having given to us as a facility !mostly it was messaging .I wondered ..really wondered what i was to her .She never really aknowledged her feeling towards me . but she confirmed one thing only ..only one thing ..that she could never be in love with me . And i was so stupidly insanely and naivley in love with her .

Not even micro seconds must have passed with the pace of those two years that i spend on phone ..messaging and mails with her . I thought that we had talked through almost anything under the sun .. from sex to religion ...to politics ..philosphies .. food .. kids..movies ..music .I had to read a lot to keep up with the interesting pace of conversation . i had even imagined poetic permenance to our relationships .. I had fantasised about our relationships taking many colours .. that of lovers..brotherhood ... motherhood .. what not ! I had even imagined us messaging each other about stories of movies we had seen just twenty five minutes before we died !

Looking at my clock at 3 '0 clock in the office on a friday evening , All that thoughts haunted my belief in true love and money . Afrida had said good bye once and for ever when last year she had ditched me for a very rich and handsome individual handpicked by her father in Dubai . I felt really disgusted at the whole concept . How could she be so insensitive to my feelings . Is it true that she too was something less innocent than a dogs bottom which was fucked by so many rabid cats ! Wow .. how could she have said all those really nice things about me ! Is it true that she was the same individual who had called him up when ther was a bomb blast in Bangalore .

World was indeed strange .. It has stoned Jesus .. and made George W Bush the President of America ..Although totally unrelated events and individuals in a totally different time scaled..they reflected the average reality of human evolution . I too needed stoning ... from reality ..from Kanja ! from Afrida .I still remembered how defeated .Powerless and so sub human i felt in convincing her that i can somehow work it out between us both . I was still studying at that time , and so was she , But she was a much brighter than me ! Physically , emotionally , and economically ! and she just could not deal with the financial aspects of having to settle with me . But she was cunning enough not to admit to her very raw and cunning motives . She would always flower her bullets with words like friendship .. and what crap ! But i never felt sorry for loving her .I still did ! love her or sorts . But my love i felt was so very much totally unjustifiable even to myself . And this self ..my self was the biggest problem

Myself was incapable of making enough money to meet my very dream and longing since the dawn of my conscious days . I thought even if i made all the money in the world , i would just not get another single moment with my Afrida !

Money ..money .. Money was my revenge ..and i thought that somehow if had made enough money , i would eventually find a way to meet her on a daily basis .. or atleast i thought i would find ways of making her memories less painful . I thought my material gains would compromise my emotional losses .

That is when i heard about adsense .. And it has been a straight ..steady .. erosion of love ..happiness and faith ever since ..


So my advice to you is ..dont believe in love .. dont believe in pain .. dont believe in adsense too .. for they are all a big hoax and conspiracy by none other than Mr you know how .. George W Bush

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