Peace and Prayers

Everything in life is two, There is always something which compliments the other. The day needs a night, Good needs  evil. God needs the Devil,  A man needs a woman, ying needs a yang. The river needs two sides. Fire and water. Sometimes it is the opposites which compliment each other. It always have to be the opposites which compliment each other. If it was parallels, it would never meet. They would never fight, but they would never meet too.

I never really understood the concept of love. Love was in all logical conclusion like appendicitis . Some useless glorified feeling which inspired people to sing songs and celebrate. For me love was the love that I had seen in local Malayalam and Tamil movies. There was always a Hero(the male), Then there is a Heroine (the female ) . Lot of confusion in the beginning, some animosity, some resistance to the Hero s advance. Then inevitably they fall in love. Then enter the Villain. The 70s cinema was incomplete without a scene where the Villain tries to rape the heroine and the hero comes and saves her just in the nick of time. Then there is rain songs and item numbers. There was all forms of love. Some songs had meaning too deep and too beautiful for the lighthearted villain hero fight filled senseless movies. Although  did not understand love, I understood this much that I would one day fall in love, In fact I thought that was the mission of one's life. To fall in love. Then to ride a bike, Two wheeler and love songs

Little did I know that all these feelings were somehow the physical, biological, emotional, intellectual manifestation of natures wish to see itself reproduce, mutate and may be evolve. Evolution was the primary motives behind the numerous lives, Human lives, numerous stories. I am not sure we humans are doing this better and more sustainable than bacteria. We got so much lost in our thoughts and imaginations and fascinations that I think we are loosing the plot. That we are just mere instruments in the hands of evolution

Instruments we were, But it seldom fails to explain the magnitude and quality of feelings in any relative terms. Sometimes feelings so overwhelm that we fail to rationalize the objective significance of these feelings in any quantitative terms. The world of logic, the world of science/technology/mathematics/proof/theorem all ceased to exist when I saw her. It just so happens everytime, every single time a guy meets the girl. It sometimes lasts for 3 milli second. When it survives the 3 milli seconds, it is then that the fragrance of love transpires the realm of impulses into the realm of imagination..into the realm of poetry and prose.

For me this survived, This feeling survived almost 3 years. Everyday the clouds of fighting, the clouds of mutually agreed upon differences hide the intensity of the feeling that we have for each other. But after each cloud was a sunshine and rainfall. Then there is sleep and peace. Flowers blossom and it is time for Valentines day . To celebrate the differences as well as similarities. To celebrate the growth of fondness despite the difference and in spite of the similarities 

Love that is forever, Is nt that plastic, That which is eternal, is nt that lifeless. Love can only be an affinity , A polarity , an extremely spontaneous mysterious illogical helplessness. Sudden unexplainable phenomenon. Where you are left wanting, Where you are left longing, praying almost. You know you are right in your yearning . You have all the rights to yearn. You really are not sure what you are yearning for. That object of your love is very questionable. It is always questionable... It is definitely not worth that yearning.


Nothing is worth it . no not even god is worth this yearning. It is definitely not human. For no human is worth this helpless helplessness.



I can only love something or someone. Love is there , It needs someone to objectify it. I am not god to contain this love. It used to bring a lot of pain. To hold this love. NO pain is not the word. It was almost death itself. An emotional manifest of death itself. The very end of your being. The gasp for breath when your body run out of oxygen. Your mind no longer wants to live. But I am thankful that now it is not painful. I am rather enjoying this love which is generally undirected, uncontainable. Sometimes it comes out as poems, Sometimes prose. . . May be someday I might be able to enjoy this love without writing or singing. But now I have to write this



It is not that I think about you all the time. It is not that your thoughts are all that is filling my mind ( or heart or soul ). I am ordinary man most of the day, with ordinary worries. About petrol, About global warming. About existence of earth in another fifty years.



I measured it. It is as long as a flash of lightening. But that flash takes me to an eternal time warp. I am caught transcending reality and dream, into a world of my own. Where the entire universe exists just for us. We evolved just so that I can see your skin and you, my bones.

So that I can experience this helplessness of being away from you.

So that I can be thankful for this great sacred un-bridgeable gap between us.



I never gave her a love letter, when she was living just 1.297 kilometers from my home. When we were living in the same town, studying same schools. But alaas we were only in our sixth and seventh years of our existence. Me and her respectively. When I first read about love, When I first heard poems and dances of love. I knew that the feeling that I had, I regretted being born naive. Why I did not recognize and celebrate love when I was sitting right next to her, Shielded by our innocence.

It is appalling that man needs a reason for his existence, To justify the fact that he is living. I gave up finding reasons for our love. I stopped rationalizing the signs universe gave us. I knew that love was not an emotional byproduct of biology nor an biological byproduct of an emotion. It was just was . Being for its own sake

I learnt to live with my flash of lightening , With pain and love . I understood why people live with their religions, despite contradictions in reason. I understood

Today was a strange day. Like every other day, But not like Yesterday. or the day before yesterday. I met her in the boulevards of my past. Could not remember the day, But it was not today. Today was a plain sight of sound and smell. Reality . .

It was twelve years, since I last heard from her. It was unbelievable. We often wish we could have all the experience , all the courage and wisdom we had today, to face our reality yesterday. Yes we all look back at time and feel embarrassed about things that we did , things that we did nt do, And things that we wished did. What we can do can change the face of reality, that of today forever. We could have become anything , with anyone. But we are not that wise are we. We are a growth, organic and inorganic growth. Infinite and reasonless growth. Negative and positive growth. Our growth is absolute and relative. Our growth is a journey from pointlessness to pointlessness. But we grow, Apart, and together we grow. We need to grow



I those twelve years reality had really changed for us. She had become a mother. Someone who gave a part of her mind body soul and uterus to give birth to twelve young children, one for each year that we were away. Yet She never bothered to care about looking at a part of her that she gave birth in my heart. She was not a single woman, She was the window of womanhood. Feminine thinking, The delicacy and carelessness of a dainty. Intelligence without pretense. It was a casual day in her life



I killed yesterday , But not me . The person in me who keep track of time, measures the wetness of our kisses, and eternity of time. I wait for you , Here today. Hope you can forgive. Hope you can bear the children of gods, Yes you do when you smile 

I was glad that no one really understood what I was trying to tell. Because something which is told will become digested, and defecated... and understood .. comprehended ..and judged !!