Peace and Prayers

The DIggyDog

2010-08-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

It was not that I was lonely , I was only as lonely as the every single individual , male , female and auto drivers of this universe of Bangalore ! Before I came to bangalore , it was just a place on map . The location for a number of beautiful girls in my Orkut/facebook/blogger/twitter/Gmail... friends list ( mostly strangers ) . But now bangalore was staring me in my face . with all it s dust , Traffic . and the million and one people squeezed into the most unavailable inch of every bus and footpath! I wonder if all the people in India ..mallus , Tamilians , Northies .. MIddle east and west of india too ... wanted to go home at the exact same time , to the exact same place ..Worse part of it was they all seemed to have a car , or bike ...they honked and emited toxic fumes !

The strange , idiotic , non sensical , insensible lonliness was particularly amplified by the fact that my room mates , Had three , four or five girl friends , who constantly flirted with them for being ..their romantic girlfriends ! What was more , they were not that bad looking at all !

Jealousy !

How could I be jealous . I was not jealous ! I could never be jealous . Cos jealousy is supposed to be bad right . And here I was , The most righteous guy in the universe of bangalore ! There simply could nt be anyone more more righteous than me ! ..Well I was jealous . Of the dogs and cats ! HOney and bees ! Nature was running past me like an express train without any stop . There I was . Stuck almost with the way I was , What I was ..was it making me ..catching this train .. But remember I was not the only lonely me .. There were million , Exactly one million two hundred and two thousand people who must have been lonely ! I mean ..

Well I was nt always this unpopular and stranger ..without friends or girl friends . I was ..like the Magnetic person in College ! and school . Its just that once when you are employed in a computer company , You just dont get to see people in a relaxed mood sleepy appreciating your wit and sense of humour ! Well college was done , The KSR college of Non sense was done with . Now it was a time I worked with people whose tensed face reminded me of my IT returns , and need to get a loan , House loan , Savings ....

Oh god I was aging ....Fast!! Like I was aging with light years .>Each year added a million years to my expiring and exhausting ..time limit on this earth !

SO what I do ..

I just booze !

With my friends ! This was a time I discoverd that .. DSP Black was a good brand of whiskey , when ofcourse mixed with ..COCA Cola ! or Pepsi !

But when you wake up with a Hangover . You realise that ..t s not a permenant solution to all your problems ! So you .. face another lonely day with all your lonliness .

So I decided to call her . My old school friend , A fellow blogger . The only person who had enough intellectual stammer to have an arguement with me . So I call her on a Monday . Evening . I thought she be surprised ! Shocked ..and pleased ..

So she says .. She wants a job . She already had a job . But she wanted a better job . She asked me if I knew any consultants .. yeah right , It was the last thing i wanted to hear !

So All men and woman of Bangalore universe was very brave , besides being good looking . They even smoked cigerettes as they sat behind their boyfriends or girlfriends Scooty ! They speeded the traffic filled clogged highways of Bangalore ! But I was not one of them ..

An existential tamil movie with Dr Vijay

2010-06-23T04:00:00.001-07:00

I was going up stairs ,It was so far away my floor , I was like in basement floor , I needed to go only to the first floor , But it seemed so far away . Then I reached it . Immediately I remembered , That I need to go to the first floor . And to me going to first floor , was only from the basement floor . Why would I want to go to the first floor if I was already in the first floor .Okay , So I go downstairs . To the basement floor , Actually I used the stairs . just to make sure that I really do go to the basement floor . Then I reach there . Now I was happy , I knew where i wanted to go . I wanted to go to the first floor . I push the button frantically . so that the lift may reach ...Was I mad . Was I in a dream . Were my faculties to reach the first floor permenantly damaged and affected by the apparent illusions of reaching first floor . I wanted to make sure . So sure that I made it more sure by going again to the basement and reaching the first floor ..

How is it . No It s not a dream . I was explaining the opening scene of my very spiritual movie to a friend of mine . My friend Mr Vijay . Okay sorry . Dr Vijay . He is a super star . Okay upcoming superstar . He wanted me to make a very special movie about him . There was a reason why he wanted to make an intelligent movie about him . The entire tamilnadu , Andra and Kerala state is accusing him of being really stupid . Yeah you heard me right stupid . His latest movie , SURA , where he comes swimming out of the ocean like a water dog . Okay dolpyn . . was nt very impressive in the box office . Despite humorous numerous songs being very singable and catchy , He was yet to have more than twenty people seeing his film in the theatre for the last four months , And those twenty people were there because they were deaf , dumb , or beggars who were given free tickets .

So he was upset . It was a stage where anything and every single thing he did was becoming a monumental blunder . At one point of time he even shouted at the hapless journalists . .

He said ..SILENCCEEE ..I mean he shouted and screamed at the god forsaken journalists ! and they were shocked this smiling friend of mine scream on top of his voice the way he would shout at the villains of his movie !

So I explained him , about the movie again , My movie about him . The most intelligent movie about anybody especially Dr Vijay ! (He got the doctorate for being so mentally challenged movie after movie , Every movie and all movies ) So this memory loss and apparent compulsion to move constantly is highly symbollic of the human crisis . Our inabilty to understand our purpose and state of mind as we struggle to come to terms with our existance ..

Dr so called Dr Vijay , My friend was looking as if I had just groped his lovely wife in front of him. I mean his mouth was wide open !

He said ------. Machaa but where is the kuthu songs .. I mean dappan kuthu .. I always have an opening songs

and I said ----But Mr okay sorry Dr Vijay this is not your run of the mill masala movie . This is a movie about a man in an existential crisis to find the first floor . The first floor is symbolic of our achievements . It is a highly intelligent subtle movie about .. well ..err .. you know the futilities of struggles . It s like we never reach . just to make sure that we reach , we travel again and again . . To the same places that we travelled . We do the same things . Again and again for the same exact reasons . Like we have been doing for generations . This will be one of the most monumental films of your carreer . You will beat Dr Kamal haasan ..in the process !

I could nt exactly gauge the reaction . It was like watching him act a intensely emotional scene of his movies . I mean he was like blank . without any expression . Now this was good . This was good because it may be misinterpreted as the lack of existential interests in passing things . A sort of like expression of enlightenment . But to the more curious and sensible eyes , He was looking like lost . Not ordinarily lost . Extraordinarily lost ! Lost like an idiot with an idea !

So he wanted to know when he will have a song ..

and To this I said - No mr Vijay . Oh sorry Doctor Vijay . There is nothing like a song .. No songs are possible ever in an intelligent movie . You see intelligence has got this naive yet honest sincerity due to which we could nt have something as stupid as .. spontaneous musical movements without reasons ...

SILENCE ...He was shouting like he was shouting at the journalists . its not that I was making any noise ..It was just that all these things were too much for him to handle ..

Anyways He acccepted to do the role ..and he accepted do even finance .It was a question of his pride ...To make atleast one intelligent movie in his career .But on one condition . That he may do some minor modification to suit his style .. I should have known . .

The next day We sit with a couple of his good for nothing assistant directors .They bring us coffee and discuss things with us . We even had kerala chips . . Then started out work .. Apparantly the song was something he could nt compromise ..

So we had a kuthu song . So instead of begining from the basement floor . We begin with Dr vijay coming in the bike . There are a thousand and one of his well wishers (in the movie ofcourse ) before he bursts open into song and dance . He says philosophical things in the songs and political things too . He sings about Nuclear weapons and love of mothers to their children . Then the next scene was apparently about going towards the lift as the lift is already having a heroine . Then the lift gets stuck in the ground floor . There the lift technician is a guy who murdered his grandfather . Then they fight . Obviously the girl was the daughter of this guy ... Then there is another sad song . Then there is a clash of love ..revenge . There is apparently twelve thousand fights and more songs too.

The movie was recieved very well by all types of Audience . It was even considered for the national awards for the apparent lack of expression in Dr Vijay s Charector through out the movie .He was praised as a wonder . A genius . . . Looking at the movie for more than once was a challenging acheivement and a testimony of tolerance . May be it was intelligent after all ! It was a device designed to test human tolerance to non sense .Apparently the people like to challange themselves often too . All is well I guess as long as it runs for more than two weeks !

I love you my friend

2010-06-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

Is there no god , is god so insensitive as to be a silent witness to my overwhelmingly desperate attempts ..to be with her . The only her in my life . the perfect her . . .the lady of my dreams ..

I had her in my dreams yesterday too . Even in the busy hours of traffic when half the world and a moron was honking me from behind . I was lost in her . I was lost in my dreams about her . What was it about her . She was not the most beautiful women of the world . She was not like the beautiful women I had seen . She was hardly the most well dressed . She even made me feel embarressed that I was obsessed with her .

what was it . was it the fact ..that she used to help me .with my studies . . That she used to carry my notebooks if I had missed it in the class . Was it because she used to scold me for the spelling mistakes in my blog . May be it was because she used to walk with me . The most beautiful walks of my life . when we used to be so silent that we hardly missed nothing . Absolutely nothing . everything to us was very clear . We were almost absent in those moments . We were one with the beautiful trees . She had this innocent little charming things to say . Some boring things . yet her innocence had santified it from the boredom ..

She was a friend of mine . A friend of mine when I needed her . May be she was my best friend . with whom I shared everything . Like my secrets , that I feared snakes and roaches . Like the time I stole fifty rupees from dad ....Like she scolded me ..Like she pinched me every time when I used to smell cigarettes . She was like my mother . May be more as she was my friend too . . . . Motherly friend ...heavenly friend . She was not god ..But everything else and much more . .

where was she . Does nt she know that I cry , That I miss her ..even as I have become a man . . Like a man almost twenty five for the last five years !! It was like some seven years ..since I saw her . heard from her . . .She was like ..almost absent except for these painful memories and dreams about her . . was she really real . existant ? No now she was not there . To see me cry . . I thanked god . . As it would shock her ..to think that this communist rationalist passionless absurdist existential philosopher blogger can cry . But yes . The pain was absolutely real . It ached , Like a head being chopped very slowly , it killed me slowly to learn that she was gone almost forever . Were it all lies ..

So sorry am I miss sunshine and beautiful beaches . I am sorry , so sorry that I said to you ....

That I love you .. that I wanted you to live with me forever as My dear wife . . I am so sorry that I did nt realise that you were much more . You could only be much very more to me than someone who is just a wife . You were my friend , My only friend .. . But how could you ..just leave ..Just once when I said ...I love you ..

May be you read much more than words . May be you read a man , Twenty three years old . His passion , His selfishness . . . His stupidities . You were looking for a man , I was still a boy . Your friend I was ..

Are you still the same my friend ....Are you still ..at me ..for wanting you ...destroying everything so fine . so funny about us ..for making you want to move away from you and us

I wish I really could tell that boy . . . make him understand . .that life is not so simple . To make the girl you love understand and accept that fact that it s love ...

It is but too late now , I am too old now , Like I am thirty million years old now and so dead now ..

To revisit the past ..and meet two people , You and me ..To tell us that ...

It is okay . the world wont care , nor would these stars , trees , and morning sunshine . That two people did stupid things . . and were angry at each other for a while . That we can still call , converse , and hug ..

be a man , and you my women . . For you see you se ...i am still the same , the love still remains .. I still cherish..the moments that were we !

The extraordinary Love affair with love

2010-06-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

Love , it is an existential crisis . It is a crisis of much bigger magnitude and scale than that of hunger ,death ,religion ,world wars,and rising cost of petrol and itch gaurd ! so what is love , and more importantly why oh why is love ! ? is there any purpose . I dont see a dog devdas/romeo , or a cat paro/Juliet ! yet love in effect is always and almost certainly sexual . I mean the love that I am talking about , which is the existential crisis could only be sexual

Love as seen by an average Indian film maker

My early exposure to things other than Indian or some outsider perspective was from the numerous firangi phoreners who came visiting my monsoon clad Kerala . There was this beedi sipping couple from amsterdam (To protect the identity of Sam and Rosy I am not revealing their names), to whom I showed numerous malayalam/tamil/hindi/telgu films . Being the Indian kid I was , I judged a film by the number of fights and the height of the fall hero took to save the heroine . And ofcourse songs make or break any average Indian film . So the universal theme of every single one of them was LOVE . Action stories have love , thrillers had love , There was not a damn film without hero or heroine s . Ofcourse there was this rare one or two released once in every one thousand two hundred ninty seven years which dealt with things other than love , or fight , or revenge . But they were not meant to be seen by humans with ordinary thinking or Indian thinking . it was an excercise of intelligence only meant to be suffered in a dark theatre with depressing silence . .

So love was everywhere in an Indian films . infact so much so that the thing which made one movie different from other was perhaps different actors . So you had the same story repeatedly and shamelessly told for over a hundred years . Only with very minor costume changes . and ofcourse music was slightly changed . Earlier it was an influence of carnatic music , With Maestro (So called) Ilayaraaja with same tune and raaga for every song . But they were sad . Reminded them of their failed love affairs .Some times so sad that , concept of sadness as a feeling was introduced first time to the growing kids only by these songs . The prime example would be the following link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8a01hyNlh4

So here is the Hero of the film , Mr Quintessential hero of any south indian love story . he is so sad that he did nt even get the time to shave . So he sings this song

Vellai pura ondru ponathu kaiyil varaamale

so it was so pathetic to hear this song and this sadness ,that usually females and males even dogs , fell in love and was ready to do anything , so that this guy may stop singing and shave his pathetic beard . So it was sympathetically pathetic love !

I guess if it was nt for the literature ,songs and films there just would nt be any love . Why would there be love . what was this existential feeling of being incapacitated without the presence of certain someone in your life . I have heard sane sensible reasonably intelligent guys being greatly depressed when they were ,like denied their interests (romantic/sexual)in a certain members of opposite sex . Ofcourse it was mathematically impossible for the most attractive female in the class to be in love with almost sexteen guys in the class .But our raging and often boiling hormones was blind to mathematics , physics ,biology and general logic too.So we all fell in love at the same time with the same girl(s) So it was love traingle and quadrilaterals

But was it really love , The love which I had felt for her .

Well she was as I told you almost three times ,The most attractive in our class , And I was studying in Second standard . I dont know what had made her so attrative , being Eight years old , I was almost her age . She was not as attractive as Shakeela or reshma for that matter (they are mainstream hollywood actors in kerala ) But she was slightly fair (the universal factor which made people feel attractive or attracted ) And she had this pencil box which made weird electronic sounds when she opened it . And yeah I was extremely shy and self conscious in front of her . I used to sing , songs aloud , Just to make her notice me . And in school bus , when she sat in front of my seat , I constantly watched her . some times , some rare times , When I fell down , or sang songs , she looked at me too . It lasted for three milli seconds , May be even less . But that was like .. some moments etched in my little tiny irregularly beating heart . It was when I was in eighth standard , Roughly at the age of fourteen , that we had telephone connection in our home . It was an exciting time. She being what she was , she had a telephone almost immediately . Yeah it was fashionable and innocent back then to ask for people s number and it was easy to figure out people s number from through the directory . So we used to talk . . And we used to talk . And god the conversation lasted for almost twenty five million lifetimes for the almost two three hours Come to think of it , it was a hopelessly dull conversations. But it felt good to talk .it felt sexually right to talk , normal . Even at times I felt proud that I was almost having a steady telephonic relationship with a girl of my Kindergarden dreams

Soon our lives took us to different streams . Me was mostly unemployed and uneducated except for my masters . She remained dumb despite her degree in Medicine . Then we met other people and so conveniently forgot ..each other .She was nt that beating heart , mesmerising angelic female . was this the fading love . this was repeated , The whole cycle of extraordinary females and their falls to ordinary mortals ..many times

But each time this cycle had left me feel more empty than previously , Each of the cycle of life , had wiped my belief in love stories as told by films , songs and literature . People were people , Just ordinary or extraordinary as you yourself are . You just see them with this magnifying glass . which make you feel sad , after you realise that they could fart ,snore ,and smell

yet the vicious cyle of love letters and telephonic conversations continue . As they say wars are due to the hopelessly depressing boredom , so is love . Although completely illogical and serving no purpose for evolution , Love continues to exist . Infact evolve and refine itself into poems and great world literature . It fuels passion , kissings , and depressions of us . . the hapless humans trapped in our want to love and be loved . Love may be god , But its absense surely invites devil !

Love letters of a Mad man !

2010-05-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

I am basically a mad man . A man madly in love .. with a girl ! With many girls . and no one .. not a single one ..Had ever loved me back . not the way I was told people would love . their love would be the love of sisters to their brothers . What do they say - Yeah Platonian love and respect for their friends ! So I became mad .. (Madly in love )! with these female liars . lieing females . I have my madness shape my words ! An expression of a dying mad man ! So you must have a second , or third infinite thought before you would want to read .. this following . After having said that .. There is no reality in these words . Except that certain persons may be real .. like me and the morning , LIke the love ! I had for this female ! who thought I was completely mad !! - So read on for further madness !!

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There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears !

She was like the sand . The sand of Thiruvanmayur beach . The place where I met her . The place where I met ..Love for the twelth inconsequential time in my life . It was as fresh as the first time I saw love . First time I saw her eyes . WHich were like the sea . It was like to see her I did nt need the eyes . I saw her with my heart . With my skin , And my very breath . ..Was she beautiful ! ? oh boy ..sure told my heart . As it beat like it had just recieved an electric shock .....
Love did exist .. I told myself as I saw her walking . Her morning walk perhaps ! May be sunshine ! may be the beach .. I thanked a million reasons why I was awake and chose to walk ...in that beach . Thiruvanmayur beach . The beach which was a temple on which the godess of beach had walked . I did nt knew her name was ..Roh when I had met her for the first time .. But I knew my heart was beating so fast that I had felt the same beat just now . When I remembered her ..

Enna thavam seitha nee ..Yashoda .. Eerezhu bhuvanangal padaithavai ..Kaiyil enthi thaalaati Paalutti varam tharuvai !

It was a song , A beautiful song . It was singing on the background in a shop which sold tea and hot coffee . It was a devotional song ! divine song .. Bakta s song
HOw blessed you are Yashoda . That you had krisha , The lord who created the seven worlds as your sun . You tease him as a mother . How blessed you are indeed . I felt like Yashoda . I felt like her mother . To love her like a mother . To take her care and to care for her . There were some existential similiarities between the love of a mother , that of a devotee and that of a man who saw her in that morning . Although she was just a mere mortal female . She was my god , my beautiful morning . and she was like the sand . and the sea . Rohini ...

The world was formed for a reason . or caused by this drive to be formed . To exist .. And there could nt be a reason more beautiful than this female . Rohini .. Who was so beautiful that she was the reason why there was life in this universe . I felt like the first bacteria . The firt Eukaryote . The first of mamals and birds . I felt like the reason why Man had evolved into what he was . It was to love ...Ha ..To love .. ...no .. it was to see her .. To see my existential belonging called ..Rohini ..

It was some two months later .. that I saw her .. sitting in the same classroom as mine . She had joined the course .. A mind improving , speech improving course . Personality development course ! A corporate gimmick . A stupidily creative time pass for bored employees ...
She was one of the many attractive females in that room that day . She introduced herself as ..>Rohini . I felt like I had known her my entire life . Ever since I was bacteria . No even since I was non living . may be before the formation of Universe itself . I was surprised that I was smiling at her . Was I not supposed to be nervous . Utter stupid words . Things ! no .. I was cool . I was trying to be cool . I smiled ! She came near me . I thought she was going to kiss me . No ..she just shook my hand ! and told me ...to sit down ! I was sitting near her !
She had this fashionable nervousness about her like every beautiful girl I had seen . Well only she was slightly more nervous . . When she spoke . She spoke about Coimbature . About Chennai , about movies that she saw

She laughed and giggled in the middle of the conversations . Actually I never listened to anything she said ..Except for may be the laughs , Giggles and silent incessant pauses . Nervous pauses
I liked her , I loved her .. Like I loved the sands .. The beaches ..and her conversations ! continously caressing me like Yashoda ! I was god now ! The god ! The living god .. The god of my love for her ! I created the universe ..so that she may be near me ..That she may sit with me and share me a joke ..That she may ..giggle and laugh .. That she may caress my left hand .. and leave me paralysed for an entire lifetime !! I was numb to everything else around me.. Everything else except for her ! the giggles ! For her I was all eyes , ears , nose , and skin of my left hand ..which she touched . By accident or by fate ! I was .. the worlds only lucky man . the most lucky man ! and that day .. I had a ferrari .. a mercedes .. A BMW and an Apache RTR !! I was that happy ..! ecstacy had an experience. And it was her . was it the love for her . Or the love for me ..or my unborn children who were laughing with her . I made love .. Sweet love .. Just in my thoughts with her ! I knew then that for a man in love . One square inch in the left hand .. can be a gateway to an existential ever lasting ..orgasmic ecstasy !

It lasted for two weeks .. The training . Two million ..Twenty billion years ..It lasted in my memories ! The memories of existance . THe memories of Cosmos ! I forgot .. to take her number . It was so ungentlemanly to ask her number . And she was gone ! .. Nowhere to be found ! Had she abandoned me ! Had the universe abandoned me ?
Then she had a blog .. So I was told ! I too started to write . Mostly about her ! ..Only about her . Only I was very talented .. In making it appear like I had written about something else , Like a poem on moon . ...Silly people ! Silly her . Who knows ..that All that exists and beautiful in my world . is her !! Her name .. Rohini !

I read her blogs , Her thoughts were as beautiful as her . It was not complete . What she said . She said what she told in words still growing . COmpletely and hopelessly alive words. So alive that I had to cry .. To see it . I saw it with my happy tears . So beautifully she wrote that it were competing , with her physical beauty . naah ..she was completely beautiful . even her words . I found a new found respect .. a stupid need ..a desire to be with her forever ! may be to marry her . To make love and make our first child . Like her she would be . Our daughter . Like sand and sea .. Our house beside the beach ! Where I would see her , My wife and my daughter .. And fall in love ..With sunshine .. and morning ..like everyday !

And I had gone the other day . To coimbature . To learn where she lived .. To my surprise she came to pick me up ! She even took me to her house ! we had dined .. A green tea .. A sugarless boiled , green coloured concoction of boiling water and tea leaves . It purified me . Oh no .. How can I want to make her my wife . She was so beautiful .. How will she accept me . An ordinary lover . . . With nothing else to offer but my love for her ! ....My doubts grew with me .. and I had left her .. Without holding her hand . without kissing her ..
And it was worthless my love . All I can do is write about her . To have her read .. To make her feel ..good !

But nothing else !
And once she told me .. Not to love her than much ! That she may not respond ! .....
She was very subtle .. Like my unborn daughter . Very gentle she was ..Like the sea .. But she was telling me to .. go .. let go and get lost . She was telling me to .. get out .. and stay out ..of her life !
..........
There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears
I was going mad !!

Caste - Marriage and Myself

2010-05-11T05:35:00.000-07:00

I been trying to get married and I been trying to get married , And yeah but ofcourse I been so desperately trying to get married that I really dont know if I really want to get married ! ? Do you recognize me .. I believe that I am the thought process of any sane twenty nine year old average Indian with Salary and A Motorbike ! Oh yeah may be even an apartment except that EMI still pending for the rest of my sixty seven million years !!
There are a few things , Few good things about Pune . That you get to see so many I mean almost a million good looking fair , plump beautifully gorgeuos woman , every square inch of even waste land like Kharadi . No wonder our Osho Spiritual Shumacher set up shop there , I mean here ( now that I am in Pune ! ) . Each girl is so wonderfully good looking that , they all bolstered my want to get married !!
For me getting married , meant to be together with someone , Some one attractive , With good mammary glands and Gluteus Maximus . These were the two things which excited my nuerons and hormones besides their symmetric face . But was that all ??. There was more to the females than , that which met , The hormones and the nuerons . There were their own hormones and nuerons too . Crazily normal thinking pattern of women . When I say Crazily normal . It is abnormally normal . Like Extraorinarily normal practical sane Sensible Brain , Which thinks in terms of Money , Fame , Job , status , Car , Apartment , CASTE , Creed , Religion . and cOlour !
So that was your average Indian Expectation of a Male who is employed , with a Car , possibly a Bike Hero honda splendour . And ofcourse an apartment !
Then you hear of this horrible things in news about Honour killing !!
That is mom and dad . You loving , caring , spoilt mom and Daddy , Killing you , Not you , But those who loved ! Yeah those who loved and wanted to marry the ones whom they loved !
For all those westerners who think India is a Land of spice and Spirituality ! Well .. I ll have to explain Honour killing explicity in X and Y s - Okay you have this guy , This girl . Guy may be rich , girl may be poor or vice versa . . They happen to meet in college , Or in the place they work . They study , Physics , Chemistry , Modern logic and Even western philosophy . They tend to think they are free Indipendant and all that . Suddenly they see the one they love . There is this love at first sight , Incredible rush of hormones and blood to the brain . They burst into song and dance . Then they marry , First kid , Home ..and they age - Well this is how it happens in Hindi , malayalam Marathi movies . But when it comes to real life - They are actually from a CasTE !! Different caste - To their loving mommy and Daddy . This mean s to violate the age old honour of their family . Its like someone violate the very nature and justification of their existance - So they fight - Oppose their kid's love marriage - They even boycott them . SOmetimes they even kill !
An honor killing or honour killing[1] (also called a customary killing) is the murder of a family or clan member by one or more fellow family members, where the murderers (and potentially the wider community) believe the victim to have brought dishonor upon the family, clan, or community- So it is defined practise enough to be described in Wikipedia !!
It was horrific to hear the news of honour killing . Then there is this guy - Pappu Yadav - Who is actually seen coming out of Court , with a smile in his face !!
You see I am a peace loving guy who is violated by any human rights violation. But then at that point , Having killed his sister , he is coming out of the court with a smile in his FU*king face !! and you feel like wanting to crush his face in tarmac with your own foot . enjoy blood oozing out of that face which was smiling and you still are peace loving and you hate him from the core of his heart !!
So deep down , Whenever someone mentioned their caste for purpose of marrying , IN matrimonial sites , They remind me of this Pappu Yadav - All those who have surnames - Their caste surnames - They remind me of Pappy Yadav .
I mean , In all of physics , Chemistry , Biology , Logic , Or philosphy , is Caste mentioned anywhere ? Does it change our blood group or heartbeat - Our caste - Dont we all have similiar thoughts although we belong to different caste -
Indians are the Racists . The worse admited unrelenting racist -
SO BOYCOTT ALL RACE - CASTES
All of you are guilty of the murder of innocent lovers if you feel you belong to a CASTE !! NO MORE CASTE - Let people marry because they feel this overwhelming love and togetherness and not because they belong to the Same FU*king caste !!

February The 14th Valentines day !

2010-02-08T02:40:00.000-08:00

The man !! Was a creature with the most complicated relationships , With himself , with those around him , With nature , With , friends , Lifeless as well as lively relative of a man ! The man and the woman ! Alchemy , Magically mysterious , Representative manifestation of life ..to see itself in the most complicated form of anger , jealousy , love , frustrations , agonies ...and ..lust in an equal and perplexing measures !
Man ...had always been judgemental about the things he saw , May be ..His purpose in life , was to see things in life and call them by their right name ! The right , logical , mysterious name , the name that which was descriptive , relative and matching ..That which suited the way he intepreted what he saw ..felt ..smelt and imagined ! the names which people forget , dismiss , Yet would like to call ..Things , by their right name !
She had a name , so had he ! But her name was much more magical than his , Infact her name was so much more magical than any other name , Form ..
Her name was a beautiful morning in spring ! The Fragrance of fresh flowers , The streets of ..Mumbai , was touched by sunlight , No ..It was her name ! The clouds ..was her name ! she was the all encompassing name , the god ! No ..the godess . but Why was he in love , Why was I in love ! With this woman , or was it just her name , Or was it that her name was ..sacred because of his love ..Or is it that ..love was sacred because of her name ! ...
He felt good that he loved , he felt good about Mumbai ..She was busy all the time , She cared little , may be it was because he loved, May it was because it was her ! May be it was the mornings , The cruel phenomenon of life , which turned man one day older and towards ...death ..towards destiny ..Towards love , hatred and war , In equal and perplexing measures !
But why it was that he loved , I mean why the sunrise , sunset , and feeling of romance ! He wondered why , He felt this silent , all encompassing longing for her ..Her presence . He felt he could nt take it anymore ! ..Not a moment more . Not too soon too .. But she had asked him to wait .So he lived for her , Waiting ...just a prevention of his death ..
Wait but not now ..Not in this week , or the week next , She had class . She was studying ..She was growing up . Like a kid , Like his imagination , like his longing ..she was growing . She was growing into all he saw , All things which touched and caressed ..She was growing like this anger , frustration , compassion , kindness and love , Her growth was like that of a strange mysterious , heavenly fragrant lovely ....wordless exhaustion of a longing !! That which gets ..deeply sadened ..only because it loved more than it could contain .. More than he could contain .. May be all of this was love ..Or it was all because of her !
What was it about her ! was it her face he loved ? Could anyone be in love with a face , a symmetrical structure covering the brain , with eyes nose , . I wondered ..As he wondered ! or was it her eyes , The way it lightened up when she smiled , May be she was chinese , But she was a tamil ..Or is it her ..body he loved ..No ..Body was only flesh , No one could love a body ..not as the way it is . Was it her mind that he loved , I wondered ...as he wondered .. May it was soul .. Their soul ...
He loved it when they were together , When they were together , Togetherness had another dimension , Another strange mysterious prescence . That when they were together , They were not together as two individuals , but as one union with each others mystery , Only in equal and very perplexing terms ! . it was like a million possibilities , Kids and family , Only they fought , almost all the time they had a conversation , He secretly admired that she was intelligent as him , Equally strong in logic as with arguements , Or is it that he loved that he was as intelligent as her . Almost equal ..only perplexing ! ..He wondered , You know ...as much as I did ..
But she laughed ...Oh she laughed ..Oh so loudly ...Hooohaahhahhah aha ah ....
such loud noise .It could only be from her . No ..it was from love .. May be soul ..But who cares . It was like when she laughed , it was like this deep reverberation of his happiness . He became jealous , as she became the face of his happiness . But he loved it because it was her , Or was it ..that it was just a joy ..something sacred ..when you lose yourself to the one you love ..
But this creature , She had nt called him , Not since he was there , Near her . Not for atleast a month , may be more , May be she was busy , May be she did nt love .. It was the rule of love ..perhaps ..That the one who loves ..will always be abandoned ...ignored ..and ..deeply forgotten ..by the one which he loves ...
He wondered ..and so did I

Blogging is dead , Breathing its last breath ?

2010-02-08T02:14:00.001-08:00

There has been a gradual and generally steady decline in the number of blogs being written , read and updated on a regular basis . It is but the general observation ..There are plenty of observable reasons with good logic behind this
Quality of blogs ..
The quality of blogs , I must have to say ..Would have got to be some what compromised . Yeah there are hub pages which turn out stunning and marvellous blogs every once in a while , Almost very creative each time and every time too . but on the whole , one things which can be observed is the general trend of repeating , even to the extend of being copied from other site / blogs . Different people come to blog with different intentions , It takes a lot of time , passion and ofcourse patience to have a good blog with nice following , And its quiet some pressure to actually produce readable , interesting content each time unless ofcourse it is controversial and very much debatable .
I have seen many blogs intentionally being offensive against a particular dogma just so that attention could be drawn , Yet I have also seen some genuinely good readable , thought provoking blogs which does nt have much readership . So I dont know to which approach to side with , Yet i do feel that ..at times , it does make some sense to have some of your thoughts being brought forward on issues and controversies !
The Hype and the reality ....
Most of the socially active people do tend to have a lot of creative thoughts , Which can be said also about creative people in general . Blogging was a wonderful medium to express your creative thoughts without , actually having to publish in a magazine or newspaper .
Regional blogging especially Language specific blogging has always been a really intense experience . An example would have to be Tamil blogging , I have been shocked and awed by the content and depth of the tamil blogs out there . Amazing stuff , regularly updated , Really alive blogging , Only in tamil . I find that those who write in regional language really tend to identify with what is being written and hence the camaradarie
English blogging, Is something with really great potential , Although seldom realised by regions other than US and UK ,
FaceBook Phenomenon !
Brain .. Inertia ! Inertia is the tendency of an object to remain in a state of rest or steady motion unless and until disturbed by an external force - Always We take the easy way . It is said , dont run if you can walk , Dont walk if you can sit ..and dont sit if you can blog ! and dont blog if you have twitter ..ANd to hell with Twitter , I rather facebook since I am a Lazy bum !
Facebook is easy , its fun , it really ruins / Spoils / and degrades any little creativity left in general populace !
With Facebook , It is generally the really embaressing and ill advisable yet personally gratifying format of blogging . Who wants to know . . . Unless if they are really caring , if you have been drinking with your friends , paragliding in Timbbaktu ..Facebook is filled with such small , insignificant details , yet there are some serious facebook profiles who do share some genuinly interesting Content , Like This Osho community in facebook . Plenty of generally Good stuff they provide , But mostly copied from elsewhere (if not Osho Himself )
I think This has been an age which is marked by a steady decline of thought process among the youth , It is indeed a fact that ..Most of the well established bloggers are either lonely and in the middle ages , having a lot of good / inspiring thoughts but no medium to express it ! Not so with the case with the Young and available with lots of nice good things to do (in night and afterwards too ) . Its like , Life is too busy that they could nt stop over and put in words (unless its 254 charectors In twitter )
The creativity in Twitter has reduced to the random dismissive quotes ! ( which is good and better than nothing ) And facebook , Aided massively by the visual and verbal assault of the updates ( photo updates , pokings , games ) has had become a really easy and viable alternative to ..Blogging ! Even at times eating the micro blogging pie as well !
It is indeed ..sad ..
That there are nt new age movements in philosphy , or literature ,
because now is the greatest of available oppurtunity with exposure to such easily accessible mass communication mediums to reach out to literally billions of like minded people ! Who might have similiar complimentary thoughts ! yet !! .. Are caught up .Stuck up ..being lost in facebook !

Mathew s Marriage

2009-01-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Empty spaces lend me shapes

I but with being stick to last

River - My reasons and flow of life

The river , Like generations of my useless and mindless grandfathers, it was flowing with this wonderfully resilient silence .Many a wonderful gardens it must have caressed , Trees , bees and people s feet .Cowdung and flowers too must have melted into the river.Yet the emptiness of the river ,its lack of identity ,its ability to contain all of its fragrance and odour too into the vast emptiness of nothingness that it was .River was without any identity , yet , it helped absorb the lack of it in myself that day

There i was , on the foot of a river . The ebbs were gently tickling my toes , as i hesitated to heed to its call .its touch was so refreshingly cold that day . So many things i got to remember from those few drops of water river was showering on me like a mother's blessing . It was almost two hours since i started waiting for my friends who promised to be there .It was only the middle of the day ,yet trees and clouds conspired to cheat me of my sense of time .If it was not for the lifeless motion of my watch , i would easily have been cheated to believe that it was late in the evening . There is something deeply religious about the trees that surrounded Kottarakara .i had ample time before the gang of idiots make me lose my sanity and what little cash i had saved to go to Mathews marriage.It was so very privately lonely in that place ,in among those gorges and large trees ,yet i felt one hundred idiots ! This thing was our legacy , my grandfather was known as this big idiot among our family members .He was that sacred fool who lost all his wealth to his religious and philosophical pursuits .It was a communist devil which made him lose his material sanity ! Most of my family members and some school going kids too thought that i was the only one in my family to have carried over my grandfathers legacy . I was told that i even resembled my grandfather ..the river was so determined in tickling my legacy .It was determined in helping me reconcile my fate as the grandson of this big communist idiot! Most of his contemporaries , his comrades , his enemies ,friends and strangers too were dead .Yet his legacy lived on . I was the quintessancial butt for all communist jokes and all religious and atheistic puns .Yet i failed to understand why i did not hate my fathers progenitor ! Probably because i could see , how really miserable the rest of the intelligent people really were. I could see that their riches had replaced their eyes , ears , heart and skin too with this strange and puzzling sense of ownership and pride . River was my reassurance that i was not the most idiotic and my grandfather was equally intelligent !

Ah friends .. yeah friends .. oh my god friends !~!

I could see some stuff , my own stuff , my pencils , my pens and my old green T shirt coming down the river .I was shocked initially , it was such a contemplative moment that i thought i was seeing my thoughts in the flowing river and this was just an abberation . and when i saw my shoes .. i was left speechless ! Looking up , i could see that it was my gang of friends ..the group of infinite idiots who were laughing to see my react as if i just came back from office . They were playing pranks on me .They were waiting for me in my car and were curious to see me lost in thoughts in the middle of the river with water right up to my neck ! I was immediately pulled back to my senses and their really poor sense of humour . Going back to Mathews Marriage !

In evi table ! three different ways of fate

How i really wish i could turn him back from this inevitability .It was Every grown mans dream to get married to someone beautiful or ugly or female ..or atleast human! All of us knew that we had to marry one day ..But this was too soon .Ofcourse we all loved to see ourselves married and we all were really supportive of this mind numbingly senseless social phenomenon called marriage ! Mathew as just so .. so .. you know ..immature and …kinda ..really intelligent and sensible for us to imagine such a horrendous tragedy happening with his conscious decision ! it was not as if i was losing my respect for Mathew . I mean it grew ..The man must be such courageous soul to be giving a treat too for a conscious decision at self immolition . I mean i once heard that a priest in Thailand burned himselves to death without even moving a single muscle in his body ..But this was much worse ..this guy was even celebrating it ..with birthday cakes and all ! this was too much .but …the infinite buts and ifs ..had prevented us from stating his inevitible fate ! so we were silent spectators for this personal tragedy for two individuals to whom we owed a lot (money ,time , boredom and humour too )

Boredom divided by brandy

It was just one more day before this guy transformed himself to a kitchen utensil . So we had him for the day before marriage . The day before marriage for any self respecting Malayali Achayan* is marked by booze ..soda ..and more booze than was flowing on that river that i was talking about .Ofcourse ..me being a malayali and brought up among so many Achayans.. had no objectiono in having my own share of the non alchaholic brandy and whiskey ! (i am sure that they are yet to invent something like that ) As we buried our sensiblities and sanity along with worries in twenty glass of brandy , whiskey and occasional beer bottles, hours were nearing for our friend to take his vows . we sang and danced the entire day . Actually no one really was sure how much we ended up having ! but evidence was all over that place we were lodged that day . The noise reverberated even the next day morning .

Just hours before wedding intense photo sessions ..People were posing themselves with friends and groom in every possible angle the photographer fancied .Mathews face was stiff as an iron box . There was not a single human emotion in his entire body that day .He was just as empty as my plastic rucksack.May be when you are so overwhelmed by the larger than life… dead image of a simple and spiritual process,union of souls rendered as serious lifeless mechanical process,the plasticity is your very defense when faced with such serious stuffing of complicated rituals . Watching him , i could sense my own emotions were being drained and confused ! It was not exactly sad , or depressing …it was exhausting ..to say the very least .

Feasts ! and BEASTS

Feasts , the one thing people go to marriage for and it was lavished ,Every single pore of my body was smelling masalas and beef curry . Appam ,chappati ,Chaaya ! no ..i could not say tea ..CHaaya ! The very taste to which malayali wakes up to .Taste buds were feasted to mystical aromas of one thousand flavours and fragrances . It was blissfully excellant and extravagant . I was less regretful now of not having developed a six pack musculature ! my tummy was more than accomodative of such an onslaught from kerala cuisine .It was as close as i came in my search for nirvana and my bike's keys !

Opulance .pretance and total hypocracy

The wedding was long as usual in most of the christian weddings . It was such slow and dragging process that every one thought it was good to get married only once ..fearing such boredom.Every single of the religious heads who came there , i mean bishops ..fathers ..god knows who else ..were all looking so sombre and serious that they made even the most maniacal of my friends silent . It was an utter calm moment in our entire marriage fiasco . It was so stuffed with religious non sense ..that it all made no sense to us . We just stood there totally powerless to do anything other than wait for the next feast ! But that was only two hours afterwards ! it was awefully long .Church was made only for two things .Marriages and funeral .They needed the rubberstamp of church for any formal arrangements in their life .from birth to death to marriage ,church monopolised , controled and scared every single christian ! There was heaven , hell and marriage too that christian feared worse than their own very life .People were yet to wake from the dark ages where science was condemned and scientists were hanged for stating the obvious .But humans were too retarded too .Even communism was a Church of sorts . And Marx was their jesus .Man had utterly failed in his efforts to instituitionalise his experience ..Church was the tomb of religion , Marriage was the funeral of love , and Politics was the last breath of every rational and sane thought that ever had humanity preserved . I wondered if i too would one day will become married to someone ..someone i love ..With some one who shared my confusions and fear and love too . I wondered if i too would end up being a silent spectator of my life taken over by senseless religions and formalities.Then i remembered ..That i was already married . To that person in my life ..My muse and my identity too . We got married the day we saw each other with our spiritual eyes . We got married when sun's rays touched caressed and kindled the love for each other ..in us . Yes ..ofcourse there was no Church , temple , or mosque to instituitionalise our relationship . But our heartbeats and breath was too holy for any dead and decaying opulance to render its seal to ..

Ofcourse no body understood what i was trying to say ..not even my so called wife to whom i got married without the sound and fury of a confusing religion ! So she left me ..without even meeting me ! not even once .So i lived in lies ,imagination and false hopes ..I told myself Many lies .. Truth was nothing but an invented ,accepted and glorified lie ! There were many such lies ..Physics ..chemistry ..biology ..and Philosophy too … Truth is much less imaginative than image on a mirror too.Truth was of an unequal world where poverty coexisted with opulance .Where one man was worried about his next meal , while the other worried about the ice cream stain on his Stanley leather upholstery ! Where people fed dogs many times the calories needed for a family to survive.Where people worshiped cricket stars yet claimed to be descendants of the most spiritual land !

Serious comedies of life

So all the jokes apart ..lets come to the serious part ..i mean the gift part of the marriage . We all collected money from each other ..and our parents (since economic recession ) To gift our friend on his day of wedding .We gifted him a large packet containing prized product of Hindustan latex .It was embaressing to ask for this in the medical store .yet it was customary among guys to gift Condoms to their friend as a compliment to the other gifts that we give .I was expecting an embaressed Mathew .But marriage had made him resiliant to our poor and unimaginative jokes .He was a serious man now .All he could do was give us that goofy smile which had in it but ghosts of that old slapstick non stop chatterbox that he really was.Now it was time for us to part.Of course we would meet each other and be bored to death with each others sick practical jokes .Yet we really were parting my friend Mr Manu ! Mathew ..i said to him ! on that day !

But personally speaking !!

Having said all this Personally i have truckloads of respect for marriage .It is something which stabilises your life . Every one should get married .If they find someone who compliment their personality , well .. what can i say your whole life will be a Wills cigeratte advertisement .And if you find that the person is contradicting you ..well ..you are just one more arguement away from total spiritual enlightenment and blissful nirvana .People realise great things through tragedy you know ! So cheers people ..to married and single too .It does not matter if you are married ..or single ..or an employee of cognizant ! All that really matters is ..that you love and let love !

വീട് മാറല്‍ ചടങ്ങ്

2008-12-20T04:24:00.000-08:00

Room mates ! you cant live with them ..nor can you live without them

There is only one luxury of not owning your own house , it is that you can move ..when ever you feel like it , where ever you feel like , provided you could find two idiots to share rent and advance with , If you are a bit intelligent you would always end up with two more idiots , and you know what happens when you have Four idiots .The thing with idiots is ofcourse , that they seem to enhance , to multiply and to raise to the power of their idiocacies !It is a deadly combination of Disaster and brainless mayhem , But when you realise that they were idiots afterall .. well , it would be extremely cynical not to laugh . And the luxury ends there ..right there with the idiots !

Thambaram ! the godlen and silver days

The story starts in Thambaram .There i was in MCC college , i mean near to it , Every day we would see .. exactly one thousand two hundred and ninety seven females walking pass the main gate where we would have our tea and daily dose of political discussions . It is as if at the end of discussion one person would emerge wiser than the combined wisdom of entire political morons running white house and green house and our own black house in Delhi , And ofcourse the thing about having a discussion with idiots is that you can always prove to yourself and to the pretty girl who listens with curiosity , that you are one step ahead of them in proving that they are idiots ! i mean its as if you dont have to do a thing , you just have to listen , infact just by listening you can prove to others and to yourself that they are idiots, Life was perfect , so was tea and so was the one thousand two hundred and ninety seven females who passed through the teashop and put a hole in my heart ! i was in love .. with these idiots, the tea shop and World news , and ofcourse i was madly in love with all the females too . .

Enter idiot no. 1 . I would not like to mention the name of this idiot ..For it is retared and stupid ! i wonder how their parents could forcast his stunted growth by giving him such a retarded name . Hey dont mistake .. i mean this guy is wonderfully intelligent for all the work that he was endowed with , he even earned couple of digits more salary than i did and did passed his exams with more than the average marks , and ofcourse being and idiot , he had more number of girlfriends than there were fingers in both of my hands , so i stopped counting . his girlfriends and stupidities , He called me telling me that he found a room near Sholinganallur ! phew here we go again i thought .

He virtually threatened me into joining him to his room . Hey the room was okay . I mean it was clean and sorted out . But it was in scholinganallur , It was exactly one thousand two hundred and ninety seven million light years from Civilization ! and anything which was female had four legs and fed on grass….. no no no no .. not that grass you think ..i m talking the REAL GRASS ..you know the one which grows on road side ! that grass ..not Marinjuana ! silly

The begining of the end of all beginings !

Hardly had one month passed since we had started living together ..that we were endowed with the company of two more idiots , It was Idiots multiplied and raised to the power of infinity , and add to that their dirty laundry and poor imagination , coupled with baddest of jokes and above all these .. you got to deal with girl friends out numbering my fingers ,,nails and even hairs too ! its as if females were wildly attracted to poor jokes and idiots . And it was not very long , before the owner of the house had invited us ..to move out as soon as possible .Being idiots , the first reaction was to search for another room , and being idiots we were extremely angry and frustrated of not being able to find rooms stupid enough to accomodate all our stupidities . Its as if life has come to a full stop and all our idiocacies were staring at us ..in our crotch ! It was worse than the worst Vijay movie that i had seen . and wait i heard he is making another one ! phew ! and so were we ..no we were not making another film , we were getting ready for another disaster .

I think sane house owners who are not greedy are more rare to find than intelligent room mates and beautiful girls who were not attracted to idiots ! I know some people do get both and the houseowners too ! they are called movie stars , or politicians .. or ofcourse .. beautiful girls ! Three thousand five hunred rupees per head ! that was what the room owner was asking , perhead , and we were four of us , and if you minus the luggage that would make us five , i know ,…what you are thinking ..please go with the flow and do believe me this maths is infinitely less stupid than the idiots that i live with !

Hey dont get me wrong here , the room was extra fine and …..what will i say about the females that i saw in Thiruvanmayur , it was as if for the first time in my life , i found my vocabulary failing to describe the quantity and quality of female hormones that was on the air ! one smell and we were ready for combined stupidity of fourteen thousand brainless rupees ! that was only the rent that we idiots shared plus the house maintainance and ofcourse the water money

Finally Suru Loses it !

There i was , at the end of the month , the first month ! Recession was affecting my social life too . and somehow or the other , for the first time in my life ..the economics of moving to a place which was expensive , had made me reconsider living among female bovines in sholinganallur , or thambaram ..or any place which was far from greedy house owners ! i had it this month , i hardly had two thousand rupees , and there was still twenty days to go .

For one whole week i could survive on one meal a day , that was twenty ruppes a day , and i skipped breakfast and dinner too !and i heard that they were going to cut the incentive ! future looked more dark than our room on a sunday morning ! and so dusty that i could not sneeze due to blockage in my nostrils ! This was the last nail in the coffin in which i laid to rest all hopes of having a decent lifestyle in chennai and worse still bid official adieue to the last hope of having a conversation extended than two sentences with anything female save for the bovines !

So good bye Girls .. good bye nice place which is very expensive .. i am leaving you all !

Hey did you know that cow dung was having antiseptic properties …. but does not look good on your shoes .. or your bike ! or your face ! but i had to deal with it all . as i was planning to move back to Thambaram ! for the want of having to save money ! it was a dead end to my hopes of meeting a beautiful girl in a beautiful beach .. in a beautiful apartment ! HONKk…… oh my god i almost missed another one ! These idiots were really fine people ..they loved me ..respected me .. and thought that i was intelligent ! but .. they were bloody expensive to live with .I could manage two marriage and one thousand two hundred and ninety seven of my own children ! .but these people ..just three of them ! ! Oh god ! yeah god ! .. i think i am doubting your intelligence ..if product is this much malfunctioning .. i think they ought to cancel your licence ! to make humans again ! EveR !! God ! i am sorry ! I Love you .. i adore and even worship you .. But damn ..you make some mistakes .. and you make me meet these mistakes .. Please have mercy on me .. Dont you see i am working in an IT company with limited pay (hey i m just a Programmer okay not PA so i get less pay despite working almost on the same level )

ElectroniC Maya

2008-09-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Molly s Lips
Man is always obessesed with what he can not have

.Rich man who is not healthy craves for health

.Everyone would always invent something or the other

to make themselves miserable . Its as if they would

derive their pleasure from torturing themselves to

the very limits of sanity .only when he loses all

..and something more ..does he realise what he was

having ..how beautiful it was what he was having

What little did i indeed had ..thought Ram.

He was almost sixty years old . He thanked even his

name, which was very old.World was moving very fast

around him . It was as if he was suffocated with the

world which was moving with dizzying speed . Every

where there was movement . some slow .. some fast

.but surely every one was moving somewhere else .

some would even move even when they were sleeping

..some would move in thier thoughts even when they

were standing still . Movement was life and noise

for Ram . without movement .things would seem so

empty . It was only to fill the emptiness of this meaninless silence that we actually move around and seek immense sensory overload with movements !

But i was moving towards the end of all movements . i was moving towards immobility .i was moving and slowly and so inevitably moving towards my own death . with memories only to enhance the reality of what i was about to face .. So thought Ram . He was living in an age where RAM was nothing but an obselete technological jargon . Ever since the inception of virtual material memory technology , silicone conductors and electronic circuits has been rendered obselete . Now chemical reactions and virtual nuerochemicals do the maths for the complicated machines that humans used . He remembered how it was when there was lot of excitment when there was a new movie released and the music would play in everyone s tune s. Now its all about participatory and even collaborative music where the music changes with the mood of the mind . Once connected to the head , it will automatically read the mental pattern and would create music with its own database of music from through out the entire history of humanity . Some people had a very tough time controlling the machine . Its as if the machine would have a mind of its own

The music machine was a really huge hit when it was introduced . It was called the M-Tunes .Now even this was nearing obscelance. Now everything is controlled by mind . Moving and using muscles to achieve what one wants is considered stone age ..or so called Desktop age .

The border between man and machine was slowly blurring . So much advancement in the integration of electronics or neuronics as it is called today .. had made these machines a mere extension of human mind and body .

Now they are talking about genonics . It was a rare integration of our gene and DNA with micro robotics and nano reactives .

Love was still a very intruiging feeling that no amount of advancement in electronics could help resolve . There were some really awesome simulation softwares which had made them feel love and would simlute virtual Lovers with advanced emotional quotients and artificial intelligence . Microsoft love softwares were always full of bugs . It would always express irrational behaviour which added to its charm . Some even argued that these vital flaws where what made these more real and appealing . There were so many opensource love simulation softwares which were really amazing and creative . There were softwares which had some really popular yesteryear beauties like Cameron Diaz and Kate winslet as charectors which assist in realisation of love . Some were even based on obsolete film technologies and Romantic sitcoms of television heydays .

But in reality ..people rarely spoke to each other . Reality was something which was avoided at all costs . No one even cared for decent food or clothings . There was always some virtual vitamins available which would make one feel good after having a screenshots of them !

To the two thousand billion people who could not afford even food ..these remained at best a strange fiction . Some even thought that they were the work of some supernatural forces. There was a strange shortage of food and water . Ram was worried if his old age and ever dwindling saving would land him in poverty . He was relatively rich in his younger days . But the rat race electronics and obscelence of his skills had made him irrelevant to modern day economics . He was forced to retire after a writing software with advanced intelligence had wrote much more inspiring and artistic works than he did . The manufacturers claimed that the software only needs to be fed with one paragraph of the writer to figure out his writing pattern and it would simulate and enhance the writing style .

There was no orginality , thought Ram .

He wondered whether humans had figured out the equation of life . May be with insights into mathematics and electronics so advanced that it was now possible for man to look at his existance and understand and to control one s past future and that of other life forms and also non life forms .

He wondered if Sheni was alive today . Sheni was an upper middle class girl ..the only girl Ram had ever loved . Ever since she had married her dream lover in virtual space , Ram had lived a life hating the virtual technology . Sheni was really lost in the virtual simulations which were taking place at that time . Reality and dream world created had made no difference to her . but to Ram .. it was an end of a twenty five year old affair . Ram had started loving sheni since he was 10 years old . He did not recognise his strange affinity which had filled his night and days with wonderful fulfillment as love until he had seen his first romantic comedy film in english .They remained friends for a very long time . But Ram always insists that their relationship was something more than just plain friendship .

It was on his thirty fifth Birthday that Sheni had decided to Marry her virtual friend Mr Imran Khan . It was a very advanced software simulation of artifical reality by Microsoft . Everyone her age was fast adopting to such softwares to end thier loneliness and boredom .Most of them even considered it far more superior than a real relationship .

Ram had always felt all these as masturbatory . It was almost as if the world was in a big masturbatory hallucination . It was eating up what little shit it was capable of making .

Suicide was a really old fashioned way of ending one s life . There were so many modern methods of ending one s existance . There was Public booths which would dispense Suicide kits to those who were willing to buy them . It was as if Government was promoting painless suicide .People just could not bear physical and direct pain .

It was on his way back from beach that Ram had Got hold of a latest neuronic Suicide kit . It was illegal to sell suicide kits to those above Poverty line . But Ram had some friends in the Village . He got it from them . There were many places untouched by modernisation . He was glad to see among many things Fossil fuels and Petrol driven wagons and bikes. He was in tears when he saw as Apache RTR . It was his dream bike which he also happened to own ! ..only when he was forty five years younger .

There was no injection or chemicals involved in the nueronic suicide kit . It was just a headgear of sorts . you were just supposed to wear it. and switch it on !

He decided to have few glasses of whiskey and his favourite music to play .Real whiskey was so punchent and hard to down .. so thought Ram . but he was more than happy to have it . He had many friend when he was young and able . But at this time when he decided to say good bye . he remembered a few of them . There was one Mathew .. one hickson..glanson .. Siva kumar .. Ajeesh .. Molly .. Steve .. Rubrick ..He was grateful for the memories ..Breaking the god illusion once and for all had been the biggest achievement of the century ..so claimed the modern computer governed society .But He prayed to the non existing god before he sipped his last glass of whiskey . Johny walker ..his favourite band .

A really wild ride ..it was just like Marinjuana . He failed to differentiate between reality and illusion or so called Maya ..

But for Ram .. Electronic maya was something he never really wanted ! It ended with Beep

Everything ....

even Silence Ended with His death ! The suicide kit automatically informs goverment about his death . The organs were Vital .Many invaluable components could be made with human plasma and nuerons .

Humans feeding on humans ..

just for the pleasure of it !!

Make love with yourself

Dissappointing when its love

2008-09-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Reality Cheking
it is indeed a strange world . to find the answers

is easier than to understand question . Infact all

answers has always been an escapism of sorts from

any real questions.

Why do we ask so many questions . now there

is a certain aesthetics to what is being asked is it

. There were many questions in my life . Some were

stupid ..some intelligent .some funny ..some so

severely depressing ..

I ve asked myself several qeustions to

myself while i was waiting for her to return from

her duty .It had been seven years since i saw her .

Yes exactly seven years .And that too the last time

i saw her it was as if watching a faint flicker of a

lamp before it had went out.Anticipation was leaving

me breathless.Will she really come ..or had this

been a joke all along .Better half of human life had

been spent on waiting .We wait to grow up ..to get

out first bike ride ..we wait for our first kiss..we

wait for our marriage..we wait for our first child

.. his / her education..their achievement .. and the

most helpless waiting.. the waiting for death .. But

waiting for her on the gate in my car had been the

most sweetest waiting i had done so far . The

pleasure and anticipation had far exceeded the

excitement of eagerly awaiting the climax of an

ordinarily intelligent movie .i could sense the pain

in my right eye reoccuring again after the gap of

almost two hours

It had been just one week before that i had

seen accident happen to me after a very long time .

It was unbelievably shocking to say the least

.Aliyaah..that s what i had screamed to Mathew ..as

the bike had almost touched the rim of the road .. i

instantly knew that any amount of screaming ..or

praying ..or any bargain with god can not make me

get back to safety . I was only fearing worse . As i

was plunging head first into tarmac.I did not knew

which part of my body was going to get maximum

punishment . Obviously i had given up any hope of

expecting damages which could be healed within a

week , I had always been amazed how easy or bearable

it is for one to be bleeding all over and still

manage not to faint . Yep what i feared worse had

not happened .. and i did not faint . Only if i was

as courageous and gutsy when i first started

proposing to girls . but when you are in first

standard and still in your diapers of sorts. you

dont exactly evolve your courage to the level of

being steady ! i could find dirt and sand all over

my mouth and eyes .I stopped crying a really long

time ago . My friends bike was lying almost twelve

feet down from the ground . I was so totally

helpless in not being able to go there and do

anything about bringing the bike to road again .

As i had felt the torch of a mobile

telephone probe the extend of my injuries , i felt a

sigh of relief in not having excessive exaggerations

for the one who saw my face in the faint light of

the mobile .He was infact relieved of sorts that i

only had some minor injuries of sorts. but blood ..

The one which is thicker than water..and petrol ..

was running all over my exposed skins . I was not

exactly scared . I only feared not being able to

bath or go to loo without risking infection . Had to

keep out of water till the time i get it healed .the

very water ..the giver of life .Also gave life to

the germs which rot and fed on my wounds and

effectively myself.Water was not my friend ..nor it

was my enemy .infact water was neutral . To me ..to

the microbes..to life .. to death . to healing ..and

for disease.

It was almost starting to heal.I saw her

standing across the road ! i felt that i would die

of suffocation . She was half naked and fully

clothed . She was autumn and winter and spring

too.She was to me at that moment life for my eyes as

well as ears as much as she was to my heart and to

soul . She asked me to wait .I was willing to wait .

a bit more i thought .. i waited like life waited

for a meaning . like meanings had waited for life !

I still could not believe my eyes ears body

mind or soul that she was walking towards me at that

moment ! There was no magic ! there was no music !

there even was not some fragrance of rose ..nor

lillies or some fantastic and extraordinary

miracles.But still .. that moment .. when she came

near me .. i felt that i was witnessing a miracle .

But for her ..i was just a friend . Infact

may be someone even less than a friend . A curiosity

! yeah .. i mostly thought that i was just a

curiousity to her . Just a passing fancy . May be

she was attracted to me as a child was to bright

flourscent colours . I was absolutely a non

necessory accessory of sorts . Just a decoration .

nothing more . A passtime even at best . or may be

something worse .. a disturbance or an amusement . i

was one of those creatures which could easily have

been dispensed from existance ..so i thought .

I was looking at her face through out the

conversation , i was looking for the slightest hint

of intimacy , which i had hoped for .. dreamed of ..

and could never find in real life . i almost felt

that she was obligated if not anything to ride with

me on her way to her next assignment .

I not exactly enjoyed riding the car i

thought .. i really liked myself not to enjoy riding

cars as much as i do bike s ..But infact it was sad

but true that i indeed loved riding cars as well .

may be more than bike . But cars was something i

could ill afford to run on a regular basis . Bike

was totally fun.Especially My RTR .

She had not spoken that much to me in our

way back . I had imagined my mothers warmth ..my

fathers care ..intelligence wit ..humour and something which answered all my unanswered questions in my conversation with her . but she must have been tired or repulsed or must have felt disgusted that some one could come that distance just to have a chat with her .But what was worse was that i was even feeling responsible for the stale situation.We must have had countless conversations about infinite topics everything under the sun and more . but unfortunately or fortunately , i had always felt that our conversations were incomplete .May be something could not be said , may be somethings needs to be told over and over again.

I had almost missed having several accidents on our way back . Thankfully , but secretely i had always had felt that if i wanted to die , the best was would be to be near her when i did,i had seen several deaths ...murders..suicides..and so called natural death ..none to me had the charm of having the one you love near you .Fulfiling almost our destiny of sorts . Life was to me nothing more than what was happening at that moment , this was probably the very reason why i was born , why i was grown , and probably i would not find something more meaningful in my death too .. so i thought

Forty five minutes of meaningless staring at each other had us reaching metro city in a somewhat lame journey which was wasted as well as disappointing . I smelt nothing but fear and a sense of deeply felt insecurity in her proximity with me . She was to me as close as butter in cold water . like being fed with plastic bag when you are dieing of hunger , i was feeling deeply disappointed and beaten with her warmth . I would have had more warm converstations with an enemy in a battle field right when he was about to kill me with sword .

i did not curse myself or her ..nor did i feel angry or disappointed . A moment was passing by me .. Perhaps the most beautiful moment of my life . Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the history of humanity . Peak of experience and beauty ..

But we were too engaged with our fears that we had missed it ..i feared having her dissappointed with my unimaginative thoughts and conversations..she was fearing many things ..among them the safety of my car and our journey back home .We all miss our moments .. These moments which make life really beautiful does not have to be in a hill station ..or in an exotic islands surrounded by lush greenaries.. These moments are what we could have had with the ones we love .. no matter where ..even in a maruthi Van running on LPG .Only we need to open our eyes ... to the beating hearts .. to emotions and love .. we need to open our eyes and ears .. our soul to life which loves us more than we could ever contain with our entire life of every single human ..animal ..atom .. eletrons or protons .

Sheni i failed to tell you on our way back that i love you . And you failed to hear me say that i love you ..

We both failed our love ..our life .. and our very destiny .. because i feared boring you .. and you feared being with ME

How to survive an accident !

2008-09-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

Last week has been one of the most static week of my life . Had to meet with an accident ! It was a sunday evening of last week . We were on a joy ride in my Friends brand new bike . It was a superfine evening and the bike was really one of the best available in indian market . A pulsor 220 . It was very hard for us to not to push it to the very limits of engineering .
But being the quitenssential indians we were , we always were concerned about only one thing .. to safely gaurd our possession to the extend of covering it with the last piece of dignified plastic we have , By plastic we mean polythene cover ..covering the seats .. the shields and stuff.
Ofcourse we indians never even broken any single rule in the usermanual . And we were only going below 40 Kmph .
Everything was really smooth and handsome .Even managing occasional glances from what little members of opposite sex who happened to grace the roads .

It was on the turning towards the ECR road that we noticed that we had run out of road in the steep incline towards the bridge . And when we realised that we had indeed come to the end of the road , it was too late to react ..or to break ..or to even to scream . The feeble noise which came from me even was confused enough not to have any expressions in it . It was one of the most shocking and unbelievable event in the last few years . Its been a really long time since i had fallen from bike . And this was something i really did not wanted at this point of time .infact at any point of my life ! Yepp .. only when i fell with my head first in the sand and tarmac did i realise that it was all too late but to take the fall with all my stride .

I could not stand up immediately after the fall . but to my credit i did stand up only to realise the blood clouding my ability to see with my right eye . I really dont know how to thank those two guys who were on our back in an Apache RTR . They did stop immediately and tried to help us get up .

Nothing serious really did happen to me or to Mathew who was driving . Just some minor scratches and bruises . More to my ego than to those skins!

Somebody Stop Adsense !!

2008-08-09T22:20:00.001-07:00

Chennai -Adsense and fate
On a saturday evening , Being so terribly and horribly single, taking a stroll on the Beasent Nagar beach , You could see millions , yah literally billions of couples , hand in hand . Browsing shops , having what little could be afforded by their pocket money .But they all indulged in teasing me ..Quinessentially and existentially teasing the reality of my existance as a bachelor being satisfied only by images and videos of mating and dating ! Jealousy..there is no cure for that emotional AIDS i suppose.

Enough was enough , I so desperately wanted a girlfriends ..Now what makes an individual my girlfriend so unique ! i had many friends who also happen to be girls . But there was nothing female about them . Yeah i had good times with them . Even the best time and chat with them . But at the end f the day , they all sounded like myself .May be an extension of my thought or something . There was not at anypoint any singular element in their conversation which had even remotely indicated that they had any trace of female hormones running through their blood . Yeah ..they all loved male stars who were boyish . Yeah they shared their interest in Cooking .But man .. they just were so Masculine and so unbearable in their conversation .May be they dont excite me sexually !

Yah that s it ..Eureka ! YEP sex was the one thing with which i should be able to recognise the one who is my girl friend. Sex is something which is taken for granted by so many of them lucky teenagers endowed with good looks , Pocket money and Their Dads ferrari with petrol ladden enough to give shivers to any pretty thing on short skirt and waxed legs ! But me ..being part of a clan of suckers who would lose their virginity one day before they reach impotency !! i mean male menopause or something na !! Sex was what you would see only in Cathode ray tubes ..and in Pictures ..The stuff dreams and nightmares were made of ! The thing you did to yourself when excitment is unbearable ! I dont have anything to do with sex.I hope they marry me off soon ..in the next five year or something .but by then i would sure to lose all my excitment with sex .and i am sure my loss of excitment would surely benefit my frustrated wife on the look out for youngthings on Pulsors and cycles while i am out in office chugging aways codes and codes of mind numbingly useless programs ! But i had no rights to feel offended .It was a fantasy of mine till i turned to 18 to sleep with those pretty mammas who neighboured our home while their husbands who must have lost thier virginity on age of 40 worked abroad and enriched India s foreign exchange rates ..albiet marginally

Enough was enough ! Its almost twenty six years now since i stepped out of womb ..and almost 10 years since i had experienced my first ejaculation .still it was seeing only the impression of my palm my dear thing down under . Its time that i finally got its due ..I needed a girl friend .

I felt like that stupid Senthil asking Manisha Koirala ...what he lacked that Kamal hasan had ! Yeah logically he was correct only and when you switch off the light i dont think there would be much of a difference between kamal hasan and senthil ...not as much as there is between a ferrari and Mini without petrol! they are just both junk wieghts ...Yah what was wrong with me ! when you switch of the lights that is ! Hmm...i guess nothing

But still i never been a babe magnet .May be it got to do with the place that i am coming from . I always beleived that Kottarakara was a place which groomed morons and politicians .Virtually everyone was trapped in a virtual emotional blindness .The only conversation elders had with youngsters was only about when they are going to school .. what job ..what course ..yeah ..there were some occasional messengers of god ..willing only to exploit our helplessness and social condition . Yeah man .. Kottarakara . Small town with a smaller attitude ,hmm..that definetely caused some anxiety sydrome in me in the way it had always made me feel smaller than i really am . But i was brilliant as a student (atleast i wish to think that way) i had always passed exams without fail . Sometimes i even managed to top the class..And what big mouth i had .I could just about say anything to anyone without caring where i was or whom i was speaking to

Yeah that s it ..I just need to go out there and talk ..Open my mouth and leave it to magic .And that is how i lost my first teeth which inevitably made me visually challenging for onlookers for more than the first glance to look at ! Nowadays even dogs are being scared to look at me for more than five minutes . Talk about symmetry and genetics !! I mean i was perfectly okay with my smile .But the brother of the first girl to whom i proposed after the realisation and confidence of my new found trust in my speaking talents , I had casually just mentioned to Blessy that i was wildly attracted to her and i would not mind having to sleep with her ..Initially she just was speechless . Then she had slapped me ..I should have known that her slap was only a sign of things to come.Just a trailer and teaser before the realy super duper hit ..her brother would stop my M80 and would thrash me in the middle of the road ..

Gandhi must have been a moron to have suggested that you show your other cheek when you are slapped . I showed it and got a bigger slap . I was hoping so desperately that i would not repeat my experience with the one who was smiling at me across the cafe bar ..Was she really smiling at me ! naa .. may be laughing .She must be an oracle ..She must have read through my incessant frustrations .. She was having a cruel joke about me in her mind . What a schmuck i must be ! she must have thought on similiar lines . Okay ... so far so good ! but there was something reassuring to me about the way she looked at me .never at once had she taken her glimpse from me. I think she has this twisted taste ...you know wierd taste .. Not everyone likes to eat raw fish .. rotten eggs ..but there are some people who really love it ..There are even people who would eat tube lights and nails . May be she was just a wierdo trapped in a beautiful female booty !

What the hell , I was ready to take my chance . I mean .. what i got to lose . I lost the better part of my dignity wheni made an arse of myself in front of a class nearing 80 females on a monsoon day when i realised my zipper was open , and i was wearing a torn underwear ..gloriously revealing my most darkest and ugliest secrets . Not a single female dared to look at any direction in which i was coming ! but that was okay ..Past is past and it had helped me exhaust what little illusion i had about my dignity . Having had enough bad taste in cofee shops which served Cuppucino . I just went inside and ordered a Coke

Yeah ..it was so obvious She was looking at me only . I was slowly sipping my coke . I would so casually and so stealthly return her looks with mine ..the way i looked had always been very ugly and untasteful . Wait a minute .. she stood up ,....still looking at me ! Wow wonderful . I did nt knew what to do when i sensed that she was slowly walking towards me ! It was a rainy day and i was sitting in an airconditioned room and still i could feel the sweat running down my forehead . Yah ..she was walking towards me . What was wrong with today .. everything was going so right . I wished i had bought a lottery ticket . i was sure i would win the first prize .

This is just not possible . She was almost three feets from where i was sitting and still looking and walking towards me . This was too much . and i was sure that she was coming for a different reason . May be to pay the bill . May be because she had left something near my seat . I just took out my mobile .There was no calls ..no messages for me . Yet i just fiddled with it as if i was having the most important call of my life.

The way i smiled at her when she said hi .. that will go down in my pathetic history as the most embaressinly ugly and uninviting smile EVER. I mean it was as pathetic and unimaginative as my copied love letters that i gave to every third female that i met ! To my surprise she so gracefully accepted my smile and asked whether she could sit next to me and if i was expecting some one !

This better be real , i hoped . She introduced herself as Shabnam . Now wait a minute . That was something i remembered ! yah Shabnam . But i just could not remember who she really was . She was somewhat upset .on my failure to express some immediate shock or surprise on meeting her on that day at that place .Oh but ofcourse .. Faiz s sister !

She have been there in chennai ever since i landed in this shittly place . She had recognised me from long distance . Now this really shattered all my new found vigour and confidence of my looks . I was really expressionless in the next half an hour dull and dragging conversation with her . It was the most lifeless few minutes that i could ever spent with anyone . Faiz was always very cruel to me ! He even beat me up once ..black and blue . I was sure he would enjoy beating me up again .. for the most silliest of reasons . Some how all the appeal and charm that i saw in Shabnam .. was immediately distilled when she mentioned Faiz . What was i thinking !

Back in my room , I was doing what i did best ! posting ads on adsense . I was sure that i would lose my virginity one day . One day before my impotency and just an hour before i am hunted by erectile dysfunction .Till that time i had adsense .. and some Debonair to comfort me !

Life sux man ! so how do i live with it !! i just lie !! you know untruth !! dreams !! phone sex !! now get out of here and get me some nice girls

Adsense My A@#@

2008-08-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

First money -Fast money- Adsense
Its as if the world has been obsessively compulsively disordered by one single factor which unites all of its humanity to a common and singular aim in life ! that of making money ..heaps of it .. large chunks and tons of it !They are willing to do anything for paper with Goverment seal of transaction on it .Murder , Rape , Roconnaissance .Comedy , acting ! WHat not ! some are even Presidents for the want and assurance of money

Very rare and few are not comparetively obsessed about money , They are lunatics.and are locked up in Prisons .or misunderstood and stoned . Worse become Icons and called saints . What is so magical about money !

There was a period in my life where i was not so much Obsessed in life about money ! Who am i , ah i forgot to introduce myself na! okay I am Papz . People also call me Krishna . Of the people who call me Krishna , very few i Promote..Like one female called Afrida ! .. Hmm..that period was the time i had spent in nurturing thoughts of making myself creatively available for fellow conniosuers of art and fine things in life .Days and night were so magical and young as well as enchanting .life was nothing short of infinite possibilities.where there was enough time to sleep without guilt and enough food to be eaten without worrying about time or guilt of getting fat . where the most immediate worry was about the mark you may score in the next exam ..or at worse about your next tactic to impress someone who was pissed of so badly during the last time that she refuse to even look at your face even when you are staring point blank at her for the whole day .

I really wondered how humans could change over the years. experience really shapes their personality in ways unfathomable . And after we achieve things more often than not loses their importance . and you almost feel sorry for having lost even the most insignificant things in life .Strange yet more factual than it is fictional !

College was really funny . I really wondered how i could propose to so many girls at so frequent an interval . Being a small college , you almost end up knowing even the blade of grass by Name by the third week you have cofee with them ! But small it was only in numbers . But complexities ... Each individual was an enormous enigma in the ways which left me confused about what they really wanted.One thing..only this much was sure for me ..that every single individual who looked at me must have found something interesting in me ! my Body ..face .. non existant Biceps .

It would not be criminally dishonest if i say that it was more curiousity than hormones which had driven my initial pull towards the girls .And ofcourse . it was considered sort of an image building excercise to say the very least to have atleast someone of opposite sex wildly interested in you . It was at that time that it had occured to me that the Black bombshell Afrida was very obviously single . I mean she was virtually the only one who was ever not engaged with conversation or with telephone over message.Besides She had a silence which had made him assured that she was lonely .

It s always funny when you are not introduced to a girl , and you are wildly interested in her . You do very desperate things to get her attention and years of wisdom so painfully grows along the guilt of having done something incredibly stupid . I mean retarded stuff ..stuff even santaclaus would not do on a christmas day ! Hmm.. i m talking about the way i proposed to her ..or sort of . some crazy ass has told me that she liked Choclate very much . I too have heard that females are wildly attracted to choclate ..and common .. For ages it has been known as a best aphrodesiac . So i tried my luck with Choclate . And i bought lots of it . Literally , I have exhausted the last bit of my pocket money on the best available choclate in the canteen . Hardly had they anything more expensive than could be afforded by Poor students on a diet decided by budget . So i could not buy any expensive choclate . i had to do with Numbers .Where quality is lacking i will do with quantity . She could have lots of it the whole load of it . She could have till she puked ..or sort of !!

Knowing that she would leave to ooty next half an hour a sudden sense of urgency and panic had stuck my mind ! Hardly was it few one kilometer from where i was and from where she would board the bus . And the moron in the canteen was less than able to put the choclates in the packet which would attract even my grandmother ! And this was too huge and investment not to fructify . I just had to do with a Polythene cover .The one which i used to feel so embarressed to take it out to market on a deserted sunday afternoon even ! I cursed among the few ..George W Bush for my plights that day . Hmm any ways ..the choclates was somewhat attractive . atleast i hoped so .

I never knew that i could run so fast . May be it was the choclates were feeding my nerves .Apetiser of soul may be even ! I could see her coming from far . She had a few bags and few ugly bags ..uglier friends .I always had hated Afrida s friends . I thought they were the ones who had currupted her to accepting and appreciating American Nuclear policies . I was till panting under the tree as she was walking towards me . would she kiss me in the lips for buying all the Choclates in that shop .One in each variety !or would she kiss me in the soul with her silence and teasing enchanting smile ! I did not know

I always was amazed how silent and confidant she was even while i was trembling myself for having run out of good humour !I just stood thier like an idiot .I had to talk about the weather and had to ask her the most cliche questions like where she is headed .She must have thought i was somekind of freak for asking such obvious and stupid unimaginative questions.

My very violent sprints failed the strength of the cover , There was a small hole in the bottom of the choclate covers.. it was very embarressing and stupid to look back and see a trail of choclates starting right from the small shop from where i bought the choclates ..Lo.....my whole weeks pocket money was laying there ..as evidence to how stupid and how unimaginative a human can get under the influence of baby testosterone . Words failed me so did emotions when i saw one more was falling right from the cover as i was standing there invariably looking at her , my cover , and my empty pocket

If there is one thing i am not entirely disgusted about the whole incidence is my courage ..or rather lack of intelligence in picking up some of the choclates from the trail .. and getting them back to the cover .. and Giving them to Afrida ! God who ever named her Afrida !As she took it from me ,..she asked me the most painful question .. She asked me whether it was my Birthday . She must have been in Hitlers concentration camps as an employee .. how could someone have the heartlessness to see something as stupid as what i have done .. and still believe that i would be celebrating my birthday by doing something as desperate as this . To my dismay , i found myself nodding my head .

Believe it or not ... this was the way we had met first ..Although being in the same class with her for about one whole year . My appearance reflected in anything with a shiny surface had always discouraged my advancements with girls . I was simply too good .. or so i wanted so desperatley to believe !So i ended up making the most crankiest of jokes and making the most funniest and at times most arrogant of comments .. hoping desperately that anyone wth apprecaition for sense of humour and oddities would atleast dare to look at my corner.But my first meeting with Afrida had failed all my notions about what i had thought about her . At times i thought she was scared of me ..or secretly resented me . When she had came back from her place , i had got her Mobile phone number .

I had lost many layers of my fingertips and keypad in the months which followed. Free message must have been one mistake cell operators would have regretted having given to us as a facility !mostly it was messaging .I wondered ..really wondered what i was to her .She never really aknowledged her feeling towards me . but she confirmed one thing only ..only one thing ..that she could never be in love with me . And i was so stupidly insanely and naivley in love with her .

Not even micro seconds must have passed with the pace of those two years that i spend on phone ..messaging and mails with her . I thought that we had talked through almost anything under the sun .. from sex to religion ...to politics ..philosphies .. food .. kids..movies ..music .I had to read a lot to keep up with the interesting pace of conversation . i had even imagined poetic permenance to our relationships .. I had fantasised about our relationships taking many colours .. that of lovers..brotherhood ... motherhood .. what not ! I had even imagined us messaging each other about stories of movies we had seen just twenty five minutes before we died !

Looking at my clock at 3 '0 clock in the office on a friday evening , All that thoughts haunted my belief in true love and money . Afrida had said good bye once and for ever when last year she had ditched me for a very rich and handsome individual handpicked by her father in Dubai . I felt really disgusted at the whole concept . How could she be so insensitive to my feelings . Is it true that she too was something less innocent than a dogs bottom which was fucked by so many rabid cats ! Wow .. how could she have said all those really nice things about me ! Is it true that she was the same individual who had called him up when ther was a bomb blast in Bangalore .

World was indeed strange .. It has stoned Jesus .. and made George W Bush the President of America ..Although totally unrelated events and individuals in a totally different time scaled..they reflected the average reality of human evolution . I too needed stoning ... from reality ..from Kanja ! from Afrida .I still remembered how defeated .Powerless and so sub human i felt in convincing her that i can somehow work it out between us both . I was still studying at that time , and so was she , But she was a much brighter than me ! Physically , emotionally , and economically ! and she just could not deal with the financial aspects of having to settle with me . But she was cunning enough not to admit to her very raw and cunning motives . She would always flower her bullets with words like friendship .. and what crap ! But i never felt sorry for loving her .I still did ! love her or sorts . But my love i felt was so very much totally unjustifiable even to myself . And this self ..my self was the biggest problem

Myself was incapable of making enough money to meet my very dream and longing since the dawn of my conscious days . I thought even if i made all the money in the world , i would just not get another single moment with my Afrida !

Money ..money .. Money was my revenge ..and i thought that somehow if had made enough money , i would eventually find a way to meet her on a daily basis .. or atleast i thought i would find ways of making her memories less painful . I thought my material gains would compromise my emotional losses .

That is when i heard about adsense .. And it has been a straight ..steady .. erosion of love ..happiness and faith ever since ..

So my advice to you is ..dont believe in love .. dont believe in pain .. dont believe in adsense too .. for they are all a big hoax and conspiracy by none other than Mr you know how .. George W Bush

Pappu Yadav!

2008-08-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

THE PUPPY IS DEAD

Rahul was rushing to finish his work. He had been waiting for this day for a long time. The day that he had yearned for has finally arrived.

He had made all his plans a month back. He had stayed two days overnight to finish off his work. His project mates could see happiness radiating in his face. They could not understand the real reason though as they had seen him slog the entire week.

He re-checked his wallet to confirm if the flight ticket was there. Then he checked the date and travel time for nth time again. Everything had gone as planned. He had completed his deliverable and the project was due for release the next day.

He left a note to his Manger and started off rushing to the airport.

On the way to the airport he made a call to her. The only other person on earth who knew what he was up to.

"Mama, Rahul here. Everything's fine. I am on my way to the airport. Will call you tomorrow. Take care Bye".

************************************************************************

"Rahul, a call for you" yelled Bharath. Rahul was busy trying to fix an open issue. "Hey buddy. Can you take down the name of the person and tell that I'll call them after an hour", replied Rahul.

"But it seems the person wants to get some information and its urgent" said Bharath.

Rahul picked up the phone. "Hello this is Anjali here. Sorry to disturb you Rahul. I am in AFA project and I need some help from you".

Rahul was mesmerized by her voice. It's the same familiar voice that he had heard numerous times. "Rahul! Are you there?" queried Anjali.

"Yes. Tell me Anjali. What can I do for you?" replied Rahul.

"Hey buddy not coming for lunch?" called out Bharath. Rahul had been explaining her and this call made him realize that 2 hrs had passed by.

************************************************************************

It has just been a couple of months. But her thought seemed to have evaded both Rahul's heart and his work. He had not been through this before and hence found it very strange.

"What's her name?" his mom asked Rahul casually while serving dinner.

He was taken aback by this question.

"I can't get you ma." he replied.

"I know you beta. I can notice the difference in you. You need not tell me if you wish not to"

"Ma. I don't know what is happening to me. I've started liking her I suppose," he told his mom.

The taxi came to a screeching halt outside the airport. Rahul got back to his senses.

************************************************************************

He boarded his flight to Pune. As the flight took off his thoughts drifted towards her. He imagined her cuddled up in his arms. Her beautiful voice, echoed in his ears. All those pleasant memories and sweet nothing conversations rushed up in his mind.

Anjali: You're amazing. I can't believe that a person can have so much knowledge and yet be so humble

Rahul: That's very flattering. I think the same applies to you too.

Anjali: Me??

Rahul: I know that you had won the inter-corporate light music competition. Your voice is so beautiful. I admire your voice. It's a pleasure to work with you ma'am

Anjali: Thanks Rahul. How do you know that? Do you sing too?

Rahul: Not unless I want an Jevacuation in my area.

Anjali: Giggling... So you just listen and enjoy is it?

Rahul: Yeah! I don't sing but... (It can wait a little longer. I'll tell her when I meet her) Yes! For we people are not blessed with the talent that you have. All we can do is admire.

"We'll be landing in another 5 minutes" announced the flight attendant and this call got Rahul back to the present.

************************************************************************

Mithun: Dude! How was your journey?

Rahul: Fine buddy.

Mithun: Will you at least tell me now, the purpose of this trip?

Rahul: Just wait for another day dude. The secret would be out. By the way did you get me what I had asked for?

Mithun: Yes. Here! Have it. But you could have brought your own guitar. Why did you ask for a new one?

Rahul: It's getting late dude. Let's move. I'll answer all your questions tomorrow.

With a friendly hug both of them parted outside the airport.

************************************************************************

Rahul displayed his ID card to the security person outside his office and rushed to the 10th floor of the building. He silently slipped into the work area. His eyes were frantically searching for her.

Finally his eyes fell upon the object of his search. His Love. She was dressed in a beautiful blue and white chudithar and her loosely coiled hair fell upon her shoulder. Rahul was dumbstruck. He felt an impulse to rush and hug her and kiss her on her cheeks. Controlling himself he sheepishly moved into the cubicle just behind hers.

Mahesh who had just spotted Rahul almost yelled his name. Rahul jumped across and firmly held his hands across Mahesh's mouth. Rahul had moved with such pace that he almost toppled Mahesh from his chair.

He hissed at Mahesh and asked him to remain silent. Rahul's voice was almost a whisper.

Rahul: Shhhh! I need help from you dude. No questions please. I need your PC for another 15 minutes. Take a break and be back and I can explain everything.

Mahesh: But! I have an urgent work to...

Rahul: Please dude! Just 15 mins.

Mahesh: Rahul had helped him a lot and he could not say a 'No' to Rahul. He silently left the place half curious and half puzzled. While all this happened, Anjali and her friends had settled in their cubicle. There seemed a buzz around the entire place.

He slowly placed the guitar at the desk and logged into Mahesh's pc. "The game starts now" he thought to himself.

************************************************************************

He logged into the messenger with his id and pinged her.

Rahul: Hi! Anjali!

Anjali: Hello! Good Afternoon. What's up weirdo? (Rahul could hear her giggling in her cubicle as she typed in the reply)

Rahul: Nothing. Just relieved and happy that my project is finally going for a release tom J

Anjali: Wow! Treat! You had worked very hard and I am sure it would be a big success.

Rahul: Yeah! I am hoping the same. So how's your work going along?

Anjali: Not great yaar! Stuck up with coding for one of the screens.

Rahul: How about a cup of coffee?

Anjali: Coffee? Have you come here to Pune?

Rahul: Nope. (He put in a coffee cup symbol over the messenger and chuckled while doing so).

Anjali: Hey weirdo! Can you help me out in fixing up the error if you aren't too busy?

Rahul: Sure! Tell me the screen where you've got stuck up.

************************************************************************

Rahul got up slightly and saw Pooja and Lavanya entering Anjali's cube. He immediately ducked down and slid himself in his chair.

"Hey Anju! Common! Wind up your work fast. It's your b'day today and we had planned to leave early today" uttered Pooja.

"Yeah! I also don't feel like working today. But I am stuck up in a screen" replied Anjali.

Rahul: Hello! Will you tell me the place or screen pls...(pinged Anju in msgr)

"So what's the puppy saying? Wagging its tail? Huh" asked Pooja.

"Must be waiting for the biscuits I suppose," told Lavanya as she joined the conversation.

Just as Lavanya said this all three broke into a loud laughter.

Rahul was puzzled by this conversation and could not decipher what they were talking about.

"So what are you waiting for when you have the pup at your disposal. An intelligent pup, I must say. Just ask him to code the screen for you" told Pooja.

"Yeah! Throw him two additional smilies in the messenger and he would be happy to do the entire coding for you" added Lavanya.

Rahul could not believe what he was hearing.

Anjali: Hey weirdo! I am not feeling well today.Can you do the coding for the Balance Screen alone?

Rahul's hands were trembling and he was too shocked to reply.

Rahul: Just a min. (he forced himself to reply)

Anjali: Please dear! I have a doctor's appointment today and need to leave early.

"Here goes the second biscuit," told Pooja as she laughed.

Rahul was in a state of complete disbelief. Tears started rolling down his eyes. It seemed to him as if the entire world was spinning.

"Wish I had one pup too. Can you check if the pup can help with my work too" told Lavanya and the three broke into laughter again.

Rahul was sobbing now with tears all over his cheeks. He still could not believe what was happening.

"The pup seems a little reluctant today. Guess he needs more cajoling today" told Anjali.

And this statement seemed to be the final nail on his coffin. He grunted in agony and pain.

"The puppy is dead' he typed into the messenger window and silently slipped out of the place.

************************************************************************

He seemed to be caught in a sea of emotions and he didn't even notice Mahesh who was returning back with a cup of coffee. He took the elevator to the terrace.

Anjali finally saw the reply on the messenger window and was puzzled. She pulled the other two and showed them the reply.

"But how could he have known? Had he been here?" questioned Pooja.

"He actually asked me over for a cup of coffee initially but then put up a coffee mug icon over the msgr" replied Anjali.

Just as they were pondering, Mahesh entered his cubicle. He saw the guitar placed over his desk with a rose stuck between the strings and a card by its side.

Just as he slipped open the card, a faint musical note "Happy Birthday to you" resonated from within. This caught the attention of Anjali and others as they turned back and moved into Mahesh's cubicle.

"To Anjali!

Wishing you many more happy returns of the day!

With Love

Rahul" read the card.

Mahesh passed over the card to Anjali!

She slipped open the card, and was dumbstruck not knowing what to do next. The faint b'day note was playing in the background.

Mahesh now got a grip of the situation but couldn't still understand why Rahul left abruptly.

Rahul was crying over aloud in the terrace punching the wall with his fists. He never expected this to happen. He had decided to tell his love for her today and he was a bit apprehensive over her response.

What hurt him more was the way she had considered him. As a mere utilizable commodity! "The puppy is dead! Its dead" he shouted as he kept landing punches on the wall. His knuckles were swollen and a taint of blood appeared over them.

His mobile rang all of a sudden. He was in no mood to talk to anyone. As he pulled up the mobile from his pocket he saw that it was his mother calling.

He slowly pressed the answer button.

"Beta! How are you? What happened?" uttered his mother.

He wanted to tell her all that happened and for a moment wished that she were by his side. But words failed to come out from his mouth and it seemed as if a lump was stuck in his throat.

There was a long silence and he finally managed to speak. "I am fine ma" he replied.

"It wasn't your fault beta!" she told as if reading his mind.

"You loved her from the core of your heart. If she didn't like you, it's her who's missing a wonderful person. It does hurt and I can understand. But remember that you have a person who is missing you a lot. Please come back home tonight for dinner" saying this she ended the call.

Her words comforted him and he felt a lot better. He wiped down his tears and kept staring at the heaven. Just then he received another call. It was Anjali calling.

He wanted to smash the mobile against the wall and his blood was surging with anger. He controlled his emotions and pressed the answer button.

"I am really sorry Rahul! It was all meant to be fun and I never wanted to hurt you." she said.

"The little pup loved you from all its heart. But it's dead and buried now! Goodbye." saying this he ended the call.

Anjali tried calling Rahul again but he didn't attend the call. He switched off his mobile as he took the elevator to ground floor. He checked out of office and boarded a taxi to the airport.

Story of a love ..lover ..and beyond

2008-08-02T02:57:00.000-07:00

Suicide Notes
It was around two am , Monday morning and Pappu was helplessly cursing the rest of the humanity and his forefathers making him poor enough to have opted for a job which made him wait for that ugly cab driver to arrive 2 am in the morning . It was the time when the rest of humanity had known what sleep is ,It was eternally hot in chennai only at around 2 Am did those in that place knew what it was cool enough to forget their waking hours . It was very difficult for Pappu to adjust to the night and day workstyle in that company he joined . He feared he would catch them deadly ulcers and cancers and he would die sooner because he had worked day and night . But human body has this strange habit to being used to anything ..abuse .. torture ..even to a point to be depending on it for its continued survival . The same was true with mind and soul too . we all needed our tortures to endure ..So thought pappu . Pappu s tortures were simple ..it was cigarrettes and weekend with this friends at Beasant Nagar beach . Not everything in Pappus life was a torture though . Sheni was among the few of the things Pappu thought was making life worth living .He had never met Sheni though.

Cab driver was late by an hour that day , Pappu really felt sorry for himself not to have slept for just ten more minutes . He felt that only if he could sleep ten more minutes than he was sleeping , the entire humanity and his grandfather too would be rid of all malice .. he even thought if he had slept enough , he would even end up marrying sheni . Cab driver was murmerring something in a language only he himself understood.He had some pick ups which had made him late .On his way to office , he saw Monisha being dropped from a car which looked very expensive from far

She looked like the reason day had turned dark . She needed all the darkness in the world to hide her darkness..shame..tears..and most of all ..her beauty . Monisha was by far the most beautiful girl he had ever seen .she was from Ooty . She was the first Prostitute that Pappu had seen . Infact she was the only prostitute he had ever seen . God was indeed cruel .. he made Monisha so beautiful and cursed her life with dogs ..which always fed on her tears and flesh . Pappu always had wanted to speak to her . Pappu always thought that at anypoint of time there is no reason why people should feel ashamed of themselves. He somehow wanted to make her feel good about her .. about her helplessness..Secretly Pappu had always felt a very brotherly feelings towards her .He had two sisters..and he always felt anguish when they were intruded by visually by those strangers who looked at his sisters. Had Monisha a brother . Did she had a family .

It was around Four o clock when pappu had reached office . As usual , he immediately settled for a coffee and gossips , Pappu never felt really tensed around deadlines .He finished his job early , and left home before 3PM . Pappu s apartment was quintessentially deserted during office hours. It was full of Bachelors . and no one really stayed there even on weekends . They only came there to one thing in life they always did till they were dead ..Sleeping ..If only Bush had slept for ten more minutes , world would be one less war he thought . Pappu went out for a tea after changing dress. It was at that time , that he saw Monisha coming out of his friend Syam s apartment . Syam was Pappu s childhood friend . whom he shared none of the warmth he shared with the street dogs and strangers he met .They were once friends . But Pappus fathers sudden loss of business and poverty seemed to have distanced syam from him and Pappus realisation of his friends attitude towards his financial conditions had made alienated slowly from Syam .Its not that Syam was ruthless or heartless.Only he made Pappu feel obligated and lesser for every help that he extented .It was the first time Pappu sensed complexities creep into his relationships.Syam also did not like Pappus moral outlook of the world .For Pappu.Man's Virginity was very prescious . To be preserved to the one who he s going to marry and occassionally to masturbation .But Pappu always ended up speaking against marriage too .To him marriage was not supposed to be an arrangement to be made fashioned after contracts and clauses.As for Pappu , he thought he will marry the day he can make sheni fall in love with him . Nothing more was needed . Just a knowledge..an assurance that he is loved by the one he loved was all that was there to marriage . He knew that Sheni would never marry him .nor love him .. still he preserved virginity ..For it was his choice ..his freedom .. His ZAHIR .. his Sheni .

Pappu always hated gossips . never listened to gossips and sometimes outright bursted when faced with gossips . But what he heard in Tea shop was about Monisha .Some one was telling that they had seen her beaten up .Pappu did not know the reason why he had become so curious..so anxious .. So sad too. He immediately felt really angry at Monisha .Why did she let someone hit her . Pappu always hated physical violence . He never hurted anyone physically ..emotionally ..and spiritually ..atleast not intentionally .It was at around that time that he had Seen Monisha . This time he decided that he would not have shame when he looked at .9940337406..That was her number . He remembered that he had got her number for Syam . He did not knew why . somehow he had this very strange reassurance about strangers. He never for once feel hesistant in asking strange people their phone numbers. He did not knew that she was a prostitute when he had asked monisha for her number .But when later he found that she was one . He just forgot about the number that he had always carried in his mobile. He did not dared call someone who was in flesh trade . he just messaged her ...asking if she was okay ! She had replied to him . He was a bit unsure before opening the message .But he finally read it . It said .. 5000 bucks for one night ...with complimentry blowjob . Pappu was shocked beyond disbelief . He did not knew what to do . Next day again he saw her coming out from Syam s house . This time he dared to have a closer look at her . Her eyes had swollen . Yes she was beaten up . abused ..manhandled. He remembered how powerless and defeated he had felt the day he saw her sister being beaten up by the guy she loved.

He had some money in the bank .The one he saved for his all India trip ..the money he had saved for buying gifts Sheni would not accept .He decided he wanted to meet her . at any cost and find out what had happened between them . Why was she beaten up . Why she was not crying . and mostly he wanted to find out why he had felt sorry for her.he wanted to find out if she was human ..and if she was beautiful.Yes she was beautiful ..so was his sister . . He called Monisha and asked her for a date. She was coldly replying him to meet her at Besant nagar .It was around 9 that day .She had taken him to a lodge which she knew .He was very nervous ..but was more anxious and curious to find out what had happened to her .. and what was happening to him .She sat next to him . She had already started to undress. Pappu stopped her . He was surprised how bold he was in touching her . He wondered if she was hurt when he touched her .He switched on the light .He told her he wanted to talk .She looked in his eyes . in it he saw the same disbelief he saw in the rest of the humanity when they saw something good happening around them

. Already pessimism has raped what little beauty she had in her eyes . Pappu asked what did she do other than what she was doing. She was employed in a BPO .Pappu did not knew that she was having a daughter already . He never saw her with her daughter. He had noticed one scar in her neck . He asked her if he can touch it . It felt so lifeless.The scar was something which had cheated her innocence . Pappu asked how she got that swell in her eyes . His queries were met with cold indifference . She had told him that she would nt want to discuss her personal life with him .Pappu told how he was friends with Syam . Hearing syam s name her eyes began to brighten . Monisha was doing her masters in Biotechnology when she had met Adeep . He was a muslim boy .She still remembered how wonderfully intelligent he was . She was just 23 when she decided to make her life with the one she loved.They had come to chennai with wild hopes and even wilder imagination . It was good in the begining . But even after months of being recommended by friends Adeep still was not able to find a job.Adeep was having a lots of friends.He gradually began to lose interest in Monisha . It was december last year that he decided to leave her . After that it has been a journey of embarressment ...fear ..guilt and virtual poverty for her. It was through a driver that she was introduced to the world of flesh trade.Years grew this strange indifference towards life and world. But she never gave up on her child..Gauri.She had met Syam shortly afterwards getting a job in BPO where syam was working.Syam was a romantic deluded person . He had always lived in a dream world .But was quite nuerotic and possesive.They gradually grew close together.

Syam was drawn by her beauty and she was indeed charmed by his poetry and lies..aboutlife.Syam never listened to her .Infact it was syam who did all the talkings ..he talked about many things..about vedantha ..Chaos heory .. about life ..about love ..About Pappu too. that must have made her excited about meeting Pappu .Pappu was glad to learn that Syam still had good thoughts about him . It was only last week when Syam had seen her in a car being dropped at the apartment at the wee hours of morning .Syam got very upset and started shouting , Initially he had stopped attending her calls and had once shut the door on her . But she insisted on going to his house.Syam had hit her twice ..when he raise his arms again she had fallen down . She was not very angry with Syam .Infact Pappu could see that she was even happy to certain extent when she had talked about Syam .There must be some strange kindness to him which would have made her forgive his angry violence .

Tears almost fell down Pappus eyes.It was the first time that he was seeing a human face to a figure he had seen only in darkness.But years of mental emotional and spiritual abuse had taken its toll on her beauty . No..she was more beautiful than he had imagined her to be. Infact she was more beautiful than himself..She was more beautiful than sheni ..she was more beautiful than Pappu s love for sheni . He had listened to her the whole night . It was around two o clock that he could hear the room boy knocking at the door .He immediately had realised how Silly he had been in the whole arrangement.She did not accept the money . But Pappu was reluctant in having her take this money ,He had asked her to spend it on buying something for Gauri.

Had i been very judgemental of Syam . Have i made decisions on him too soon . Has he been such a nice person all along ..Why had he still beaten her..Was he out of his mind ..Was i doing to Syam what he did to Monisha ..Why was i less understanding than this girl whom i know as a prostitute..these were the questions which had haunted him when he stepped out of that room.

When he met Syam the next day in the coffee shop ..the same indifference was staring at them ..which they had felt towards each other when they decided to part their way .But this time , he remembered Monishas eyes. Why was not i more forgiving thought. Syam had always been very haste in hurling abuses at people.It was one time when he had him upset over taking his personal belonging..that too his guitar that he burst out so badly that Pappu decided that they should part thier ways as good friends.But there was always this undercurrent of anger and hatred in their eyes when they had met afterwards.This was the first day after many months that Pappu had gone and talked to Syam.Intially he was very cold ..infact even abusive.But Pappu persisted . Pappu said he was genuinely sorry even though he really was not .But something in Pappu s eyes seemed to tell Syam that it was time to forgive their mistakes ..of Pappus and syams..

They just stood there for a long time.They remembered how they used to crack jokes about their maths teacher..about how they used to feel at awe with reasons for existance and Chaos theory ..How they used to hate Kamal hasan ..and his antics..Shit man time had gone so much na ..said Pappu . Somehow when Pappu had asked about Monisha ..he could sense a very strange feeling of tension in thier conversation .It was suffocating how they had run out of words .Pappu changed their conversation and told him how he had met this girl called Sheni ..and how badly he wanted her ..and how heartbroken he was when she always insists on them being good friends.Syam was opening up about Monisha.Syam told how heartbroken he was when he found him with another man . Pappu was initially puzzled .Syam himself had been with so many girls..sometimes at the same time altogether .He was quite a casanova of thier college.He had many girlfriends and was an expert in keeping relationships with girls .He already started going out with girls and having sex with them ..while pappu was still wondering whether babies were born out of some strange experiments gone wrong in MI2 labs !

Syam said he loved Monisha .He have told so many times over with so many different girls .Pappu looked into his eyes and asked whether he really loved her ..and what it means to love someone..We had always prophesed about how to love someone without any expectations.without any conditions..I again asked him whether he really had loved her .. It was almost two hours since they started their conversation . Somehow Pappu felt that there was some strange crsytallisation in his resolve . Syam had to admit that he was very possesive .Pappu was quite pleased that he had once in his life admitted to something which had bothered Pappu for many years since meeting him .He had always been very possesive .Towards his music cassettes..his books .. Infact Pappu was the only one with whom he shared his books.Because somehow Pappu always ended up returning his books within days of borrowing from him sometimes even without reading them completely ..for Pappu knew how he had felt about them .Pappu had told him about the whole incidence ..Pappu was quite not able to understand he had become upset again . He was somehow more angry with Monisha for having told Pappu about them .. He just left without saying much

Pappu was always defeated ..by his parents..By Monisha ..By Sheni..By life ..by love ..and his own mercy and imagination. This time by Syam !

Pappu was somehow able to sleep very peacefully for that night ..although he had slept only for a few hours that night..when he woke up he was surprised how he did not feel like to sleep for ten more minutes.He felt refreshed and relived. Pappu did a lot of thinking in the office that day . It was a message from Sheni ..Ratss....He started to wonder..if he was similiar to syam in the way he treated Sheni . Although he never liked to believe that he wanted to posses sheni..He always missed her messages and conversations with her .He was somehow dependant on this female for his pleasures.It was only Pappu who had always called and messages Sheni . When ever he had messaged her.she always replied to whatever nonsense he had typed her . She was doing her MBBS finals that year . Some how Pappu was feeling this strange guilt in his heart . He wondered where their relationship was going . For Sheni it was quite clear that Pappu was her best friend..of sorts..But Pappu loved Sheni beyond anything .He was begining to sense a strange obligation in Sheni s feelings towards him .He felt the same way he used to feel obligated to Syam . Somehow Sheni made him feel that she was doing him a favor ..He did nt like

favors..Pappu was not a beggar .He need nt live out of the mercy of

anyone . He valued and respected life more than others thought he did .

He asked himself whether he really loved Sheni . She was an obsession

of his since school days . None of his friend understood when he told

that she was the only one he loved .Neither did sheni ..He wondered if

he was raping Sheni spiritually ..It was almost hurting him to believe

that he was about to set her free ..It was very painful to understand

that he was about to grow ..

He understood for the first time in his life ..how painful it is to

love someone ..He decided to commit suicide ..naaa not the physical

kind though ..Pappu always hated people who committed pysical suicide

..its so downright ugly .. He decided to kill his desires and passions

towards sheni . He decided to set her free to pursue whatever she

wanted. He decided to make her life free of his burdens .It was the

first time in his life after meeting her for several years that he had

felt genuinely free of guilt about loving her ..That night he did not

returned her call..or messages..She had given him many missed calls

that night .. He switched off the cell..fearing he might reply to her

.Pappu was from a poor family .He was not well settled as Sheni

was.Niether was he emotionally mature as Sheni was ..He was afraid he

would end up hurting Sheni if the relationship had grown any further .

It was not that she would run away with him and he would not be able to

satify her ..it was that she would never really love him and Pappu

might do something really stupid and make her feel guilty of having

hurt Pappu..

It was almost three months since he stopped calling her ..replying to

her message .. That day he was told that there was someone in the lobb

y to meet him . Pappu almost forgot how Sheni looked like ..infact he

had not even seen her except in the photos she had sent him which was

taken many years back . He almost failed in recognising the face behind

the voice of his daily calls . It was Sheni ....She looked more

beautiful than he had ever imagined her to be .He did not knew how to

react at that moment . Had she comed to invite him for the marriage

..he feared for the worst .He indeed was with indifference..doing to

sheni what Syam was doing to Monisha ..only on a subtle level..this

realisation had made his head hang in guilt .He somehow managed a smile

which was niether inviting nor ugly . Sheni was not smiling ..She came

near Pappu .. She gave him a very nice slap ..Pappu was never hit by

anyone he loved...His father never hit him neither did his mother ..nor

did Syam ..Nor anyone he knew remotely .. But Sheni s slap did not hurt

him ..infact he almost felt grateful to Sheni for slapping him .She

slapped him again ...hugged him and kissed him ...This time in the

cheeks to only to sense the salt of his tears. Pappu felt that the

world was coming to an end .Pappu felt more grateful to her than to

anyone he had ever felt grateful to ! RATS

Pappu did not speak a word.That day they had talked a lot ..about life

.. About vedantha ..chaos theory ..about how they used to make fun at

the maths teacher..They dared not to speak in terms of their

future.They were happy with what little non sense they shared ..She had

gone home in the next flight ..

It was twelve o clock midnight ..when Sheni had called him ..Pappu was

in US . His wife had already slept . He had a girl child and named her

Sheni ..although his parents were quite objectionate about naming their

hindu grandchild with a muslim name ......Sheni had seen Jane tu part

two ..It was Imran Khan s cousin .She was head over heels about the

movie ..MEOW tu kabhi nahi sudhrega Saala said Pappu..!! Pappu never

was reformed ..neither did Syam ..niether did Monisha .. niether did

life ..least said about MEOW the better !!

The more things change ..the more they remain the same ...

All parts of this story is purely fictional ..if it ever resembles

anything real...its due to a presidential conspiracy by George W Bush

Cheers Rats

All malaylis Greates suns of Gans

2008-07-05T02:32:00.000-07:00

Name the wonly part of the werld, where Malayalis don't werk hard? Kerala (Other plazes they do werk hard)Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding

and re-tying the lungi.

Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket? To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome?

Because he wanted to hear pope music.

What is Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yae.

Why did his wife divorce him?

Because he was louwing another woman.
Who found out that? His aandy. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America? He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren. What does a Malayali use to commute to office(oaffice) everyday?

An Oto.
Who is Malayali's fyamousu eactor end aectress? Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

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Why the hell do we get married

2008-07-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

Why the hell do we marry
67

By Myriad

Love dies in marriage !

Today , i am only 26 . Its too early to say that i am an eternal bachelor . But i had a philosophical and logical reasons for staying single for a long time . and Eternally if things confirm to what thoughts that come to my mind .

Marriage is somthing which is taken for granted .most people marry out of inevitablity of the whole thing . Its almost insane to remain a single . Even the very word will sound very vulgar after a particular age . To be a bachelor after 30 atleast in that part of the world where i live is a very big shame . I had met quite a few bachelors in my life . My mentor in the early days of growth was a person whom i used to call fondly as Roshin swamy . He was a person well past his 50s . He used to look unusually sophisticated for the place where he was . He was a brahmin . he used to read English newpaper and was the object of pride for my Father s restaurent . He was sort of a clerk ,in my fathers restaurent in that shanty town .He was the first person i knew who spoke understandable english . My father knew him like he knew a tragedy . I used to feel puzzled why my father was so worried about Roshin swamy. Roshin swamy was a bachelor in old age .No one wants to take care of old aged . They are just a big burden for them .

Old age brings its burden to the very person itself . Old age is the biggest challenge and a kind of injustice nature has done to human freedom and intelligence . Everything comes with a baggage and old age and human handicap of our disintegration before ourselves seems to be the biggest baggage related to being old and human and alive . I felt less sorry for the plight of people who commited suicide . There should not be any more tragedy than dying from old age . feeling like a beggar . In front of children who grew drawing from their own blood .

Being lonely is another big challenge of being a bachelor . i ve heard that i you find the key to being alone , you find the key to happiness and human destiny .It is the sense of lack and inferiority that is driving us to having relationships with people .

I finally decided to be alone in my life . No marriage in my life , i thought . i will not marry . As i was leading my life like that . i gradually began to become obsessed with many of my sensory , intellectual and emotional pursuits . My love desire and longing for a human relationship was replaced by my equally disastrous love and desire for things material . Like i grew in my fondness towards my bike . its quite funny how remorseless you are in spending money on shamefully expensive things of passion when you are young , so i was too quite shamless in spendng a big part of my saving in a sports bike that i yearned to own ever since i graduated from high school .

I used to feel satisfied to ride the bike through its engineering limitations . Going to various places.. I think tarmac is designed for bachelors to lose their sorrows and quite possibly entire life too . But never virginity . I rode aimlessly to many places i did not knew . some places i did knew ..like auroville. Auroville . a model community of people with different ethnic , national . and religious backgrounds with aim to find supreme peace and divine consciousness. It was located in a place more known for cheap and quality liqour . I did not had any drinks that time when i went . I just spend some time in the garden with the trees . I realised then that i had lost my poetry . in among those years lost in chasing something impossible .. life . Life has stolen from me my very source of eternal youth ..my poetry .

I used to write poems and give it to girls . There had been many stupid girls and equally stupid desires of mine which were subjects of my poems . Funny how words would appease these feelings to something which found satisfaction from my soul . My love with sheni was the last time i had felt romantically inclined towards anything human . Through out she had considered me like a sibling . And i was incestous in my romantic advancements towards her. Shameful remorse did not find any audience in my poetry . I just felt like a traveller who had lost and remembered his path and destiny .

Sheni had reminded me of the uselessness of human relationship in advancement of one s purpose in life . Her photos and movies in my mobile and media devices had haunted me like my memories towards her . But i did no deleted them . My friends who visited my blogs and intruded my photos had started to look at me like a person with vulgar imagination . why did i had to feel shameful for being open in my feeling towards and individuals ...

there is someting called a marriage market . where people are mercilessly traded for their qualitites. ..education..career..these are all indices which decide your value .. how good a girl you get. how much moolah or money you can make in that marriage .

For millions of humans .. marriage is the only thing they look forward to after they see daylight out of thier mother s womb . Singular obsession of human mind shaped in Indian terrain ! Today is the marriage of a girl who was kind to me . I began to sense a feeling of sadness which defied the sense of purposefullness i had in my shaped thoughts of abandoning natures will of reproduction.

The original Sin .. sex .. the imagination of dull individuals .. that must be the single reason ..drive to force us into succumbing our lions share of freedom and human potential to the areas of excretion . I often wondered the significance of having a hole for human reproduction near that of human excrement and urination . May be signify the similiarty in those materials and the very human life . We are almost similiar in value ..and purpose .

Having realised my similiarity to degrading and digested processed nutrients , i decided to contribute my part to the rebellion of intelligence to natures conspiracy . I decided to stay single .. for a very long time .. may be till the day i died . This was a big decision . May be the one which was going to change the course of human destiny . ... ....................but what do i know .may be my decision to stay single is as in significant and millions of suicides .. Trillions of death ..each day .. which fed life . My decision stood to be ridiculed by Nature and hopelessly infinite number of morons willing ..only too willing to succumb their will to that which was hidden in bushes ! Goerge bush ! of England !!

Humanity or male humanity .. obsessed with one single thing .. and inch of depession in human flesh surrounded by thick hairs which looked and felt better shaved ! Hormones were playing havoc with his intelligence .

Oh my dear myself .. when would you wake up to this reality and stop ruining your heath ..mental ..moral ..emotional .. physical ..spiritual ..

To make it light .. here are some jokes

Famous Quotes about Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

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The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

HOw to make blog interesting

2008-07-05T02:26:00.000-07:00

Pay attention Hub !
64

By Myriad

interesting hub -Make it !

How to make blog interesting

Trouble making your blog interesting , Dont worry , you are not alone , Its not very common to find people with a fine taste for shakespeare and homer in your everyday life . People are so damn lazy , That is the nature of how human mind works

Nothing can catch them attention unless involving nudity or description of intimate exchange of body fluids .So porn needs no introduction or advertisement So readily popular.Just by mentioning the word i beleive i already caught your attention

Here are a few donts and do s to make it blog very naughty and kinky in a rather interesting and readable ways !

1. The first hint of how interesting my blog was got by my girfriends comment , how boring it was . Usually my blogs were always about myself..my exploits ,Frustrations ..life and death and what little philosophical crap i could get my comprension upon .. Humans are so infinitely involved with themselves .The very nature of human mind was what made me write what i did and why my hubs were so less interesting ! , So description of your antics hardly ever meets anything other than brickbats . So Dont talk too much about yourselves ..unless you sleep with willsmith and JanetJackson in the same night in the same bed !

2.Dont talk too much about talked about subjects. The one really annoying factor which makes any of my surfing endeavours boring is the repetition of content. No matter how good the content you will definetley get bored .Even celebreties get divorced man . there are no exception to the rule that familiarity breeds contempt .Think out of the box . write some stuff which you is out of ordinary .sex it up using your antics ,I think variety is a very good drawer for your contents .

3.Do have some undercurrent of motivation .

I dont know about others.For me i ll get fed up with reading really negative stuff .Man already my girlfriend is so ugly ..why do you want to torture me by writing about it !! or about anything bad and worse ! So even if you are a die hard critic .Have some light at the end of the tunnel . Offer not only problems but also some clue to the solutions.Life is made bearable to live by what positive energy we have . so Write them blogs with love and passion with lot of positivity .

4.Take up a good personality

I think its is not only the content of the blog .but also the personality of the blogger that takes up the attention of the reader . I dont think Harry potter would have been a hit if it had been written by George bush .I would dismiss even without reading it as a book full of crap and vomit mixed with american politics . Its not the words that people read.Its their own interpretations and ideas .that people read through your blog ! So Assume a colourful and honest personality . but dont lie to yourself and your readers .Truly try to become someone attractive , if not physically , intellectually and emotionally

5.Be nice to people

I think what make the article is not only its own content but also the comments of people . there are some blogs /hubs in which original content itself was so meagre but the comments were truly rich and made the hub really readable and commendable ! So its not only yourself who contribute to the popularity of your hub but also people who comment too.!!

6.Dont be a propagandist

I dont truly know what the above meant ..but what i am trying to say is that ..by not being a decisive and judgemental person and truly being open to ideas and change can be quite inviting for people who visit your worded thoughts . So be real . dont try to stick to your ideas ..Ideas are only ideas man ..just some chemical reactions in brain cells .but people friendship .. and relationship .. man ..that is something worth being contradicted .

There are some cheap tricks too ..which i deem not worthy to be mentioned here . but am aware and not use anyways ..if you guys know some tips be sure to share it with me too ! guys !!

and girls

Note : there is some rumours that i started this hub to get laid ! so understand my intentions !

cheers !!

Ope

2008-07-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

Some interesting trivia of operating system ! phew

A Glimpse of OS History

A Background

Early computers lacked any form of operating system. The user had sole use of the machine and would arrive armed with program and data, often on punched paper and tape. The program would be loaded into the machine, and the machine would be set to work until the program completed or crashed. As machines became more powerful, the time needed for a run of a program diminished and the time to hand off the equipment became very large by comparison. Accounting for and paying for machine usage moved on from checking the wall clock to automatic logging by the computer. Run queues evolved from a literal queue of people at the door, to a heap of media on a jobs-waiting table, or batches of punch-cards stacked one on top of the other in the reader, until the machine itself was able to select and sequence which magnetic tape drives were online. Where program developers had originally had access to run their own jobs on the machine, they were supplanted by dedicated machine operators who looked after the well-being and maintenance of the machine and were less and less concerned with implementing tasks manually. When commercially available computer centers were faced with the implications of data lost through tampering or operational errors, equipment vendors were put under pressure to enhance the runtime libraries to prevent misuse of system resources. Automated monitoring was needed not just for CPU usage but for counting pages printed, cards punched, cards read, disk storage used and for signaling when operator intervention was required by jobs such as changing magnetic tapes.

All these features were building up towards the repertoire of a fully capable operating system. The true descendant of the early operating systems is what is now called the "kernel". In technical and development circles the old restricted sense of an OS persists because of the continued active development of embedded operating systems for all kinds of devices with a data-processing component, from hand-held gadgets up to industrial robots and real-time control-systems, which do not run user-applications at the front-end. An embedded OS in a device today is not so far removed as one might think from its ancestor of the 1950s.

The Mainframe Era

Early operating systems were very diverse, with each vendor or customer producing one or more operating systems specific to their particular mainframe computer. Every operating system, even from the same vendor, could have radically different models of commands, operating procedures.

The state of affairs continued until the 1960s when IBM, already a leading hardware vendor, stopped the work on existing systems, and put all the effort into developing the System/360 series of machines, all of which used the same instruction architecture. IBM intended to develop also a single operating system for the new hardware, the OS/360. However as the performance differences across the hardware range and delays with software development, a whole family of operating systems were introduced instead of a single OS/360. The best part is that IBM maintained full compatibility with the past, so that programs developed in the sixties can still run under z/VSE (if developed for DOS/360) or z/OS (if developed for OS/MFT or OS/MVT) with no change.

Minicomputers and the rise of UNIX

The beginnings of the UNIX operating system was developed at AT&T Bell Laboratories in the late 1960s. Because it was essentially free in early editions, easily obtainable, and easily modified, it achieved wide acceptance. It also became a requirement within the Bell systems operating companies. Since it was written in a high level C language, when that language was ported to a new machine architecture UNIX was also able to be ported. This portability permitted it to become the choice for a second generation of minicomputers and the first generation of workstations. By widespread use it exemplified the idea of an operating system that was conceptually the same across various hardware platforms. information.

The Personal Computer Era

The first microcomputers did not have the capacity or need for the elaborate operating systems that had been developed for mainframes and minis; minimalistic operating systems were developed, often loaded from ROM and known as Monitors. One notable early disk-based operating system was CP/M, which was supported on many early microcomputers and was closely imitated in MS-DOS, which became wildly popular as the operating system chosen for the IBM PC (IBM's version of it was called IBM-DOS or PC-DOS), its successors making Microsoft one of the world's most profitable companies. In the 80's Apple Computer Inc. (now Apple Inc.) abandoned its popular Apple II series of microcomputers to introduce the Apple Macintosh computer with the an innovative Graphical User Interface (GUI) to the Mac OS.

The introduction of the Intel 80386 CPU chip with 32-bit architecture and paging capabilities, provided personal computers with the ability to run multitasking operating systems like those of earlier minicomputers and mainframes. Microsoft's responded to this progress by hiring Dave Cutler, who had developed the VMS operating system for Digital Equipment Corporation. He lead the development of the Windows NT operating system, which continues to serve as the basis for Microsoft's operating systems line. Steve Jobs, a co-founder of Apple Inc., started NeXT Computer Inc., which developed the Unix-like NEXTSTEP operating system. NEXTSTEP would later be acquired by Apple Inc. and used, along with code from FreeBSD as the core of Mac OS X.

Minix, an academic teaching tool which could be run on early PCs, would inspire another reimplementation of Unix, called Linux. Started by computer student Linus Torvalds with cooperation from volunteers over the internet, developed a kernel which was combined with the tools from the GNU Project.

Naughty Ale with Lipid boosters

2008-07-01T01:59:00.000-07:00

Destiny and me !
Destiny had always had a funny way with Naughty ale ! It was the first time in his entire life of eating and sleeping with occasional boozing life ..that it had occured to him that he had somthing which resembles him to his ancestors a few hopeless generations ago . Ale had a growing belly which was in those days considered as a symbol of prosperity and well being .

Ale had always thought that he was very sexy and charming ! To be honest .. who does not think of himself as very sexy except for sick in mind !! Ale always ate whatever he wanted .Food had always comforted him from the contradictory reality of his charm and sex appeal . The more he ate .. the more he felt good ..about eating . It was that part of the world which was late in catching up the fad diets and zero looks that Ale grew up with his granny . Granny was in an never ending quest to see her grandson grow .but her idea of growth was only the physical ..size .. of body . She thought if he had grown earlier .. he would have more time to do all those things which used to make her feel amused about grownups . Ale was always supported and cheered in his fine taste for anything fattening ! Ale grew up on a steady diet of Potato and buffallo milk . with mind numbing cake giving him intermittant breaks . Ale always took digestive aids to help overcome the hiccups of the overloaded digestive system .

As he stood in front of the mirror seeing how hopelessly far he was from Tom cruise's chiseled biceps and tummy . But he had seens infinite number of advertisements with promises to reduce fat within days and weeks in most of the adult sites that he visited . He promised himself to click on one of those damn Google adsense ads next time he visited one such site . It was breakfast time for him . It was never habitual for him to feel filled or guilty about the insanely large portion of steak or beacon that he usually had at breakfast . Breakfast was not something he enjoyed thoroughly . It was the experiments he had with his indian friends with food that he found on various cuisines that had really made him down it with delight ! He especially liked those spicy food . Dosa ..samosa !

Granny almost never used to comment about Ales slightly overwieght bulk being ungainly to look at . But Ale was surprisingly shocked to hear it from her granma that he was looking so bulk . What had happened to granma . Have the words of crap from those hopeless salesmen of aerobic plastics influence grannys Aestheticaly outlook of human body! Was she becoming aware of the latest crazes about looking skinny ! Who knows TV has made everything very visible ! and heard . Ale cursed for being so blissfully ignorant about the growing mass of shapeless flesh growing around him

FAT .. what was it ..just lipids man .. just some glycerol and wax ... It would not be so hard to get rid of them fat to become a lean mean killing machine .

Atleast that must have been what was going through when ale was spending the first day at that hopelessly puzzling and menacing treadmill ! It was easy enough when he first stepped into matt of the machine . He actually felt somewhat good. He was granted his allowance for indulging in Nike shoes and other valuable accessories which had made execerise look somewhat bearable . It was not long before ale realised that he was not his usual self that day . He could sense the breakfast struggling equally hard with him to get out of that now efficient digestive system ! He felt really ridiculous to have decorated Masters dumbells with digestive enzymes and half digested food.He decided that the form of exercise which involved primitive and very silly movements with wieghts was not going to do very much help for his fat suite . He needed to run .. Like that DMX ad .. he ll lose it fast in Aerobics

Atleast that was what he thought .. when he joined the aerobic class . Having grown in sensitivity and in pain to every inch of his body having musculature after a week of training , He actually began to feel that he was becoming fit . Now it was time to indulge . I mean how long could you avoid those tastes which made you groan in ecstasy ! So on that saturday . he went all out in making sure that he could not be stuffed anymore even for an inch of food !

He actually began to look good in front of the mirror . when he avoided the angles which revealed the real shape of this sagging behind ! Enough was enough .One week of rest could make me more recuperated and more energetic for my session the week after . that was what he thought ..even after ix years after he left Sams aerobic class .. and exercise as a whole

He thought it was a conspiracy of Corporate sponsers to make them skinny models with their musculature exposed to be good and appealing . ! As years grew , he slowly teached himself to like people who were nearing edge of shapelessness ! He even found someone attractive enough ! He brainwashed himself to believe that true beauty lies in a persons soul when he planted his first kiss to a hopelessly beautiful person of the same sex . Who said there are rules to life ..and love and exercise ! Its as chaotic as my Granma s Apple pie

Read Ales bumper sticker

Wht is love

2008-06-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

"Love is when you look into someone's eyes And see their heart." Jill Petty

my dreamland

2008-06-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

There is something really unique about how each sees one s mother . We never ever think about our mother as really beautiful or attractive . we just take for granted even if she was the most beautiful woman in the planet . For us mother is our mother .She does not have existance as anything else than our mother . She must have been young some day . Someone who have caught the fancy of young rowdy men ! just the way some females catch my dream .Often have i heard about young females inquiring about my mother in a very sarcastic way whenever they sense my presense intruding their seeming boundary of privacy . But mother was embodiment of kindness.She is the one individual whom you expect to forgive you for sins even you would not forgive yourself for . Mother was my balm for emptiness. Mother was the only woman in my life well into the late 25 s ..until sheni came to my life !
Just the same way as mother is an influence in your life , so is the influence of the place you grow up . You will never ever see your hometown in terms of its infrastructure devlopment ..or growth potential of industry or job oppurtunity . See i was never a landlord in my hometown . but had loved it as my own blood . There was something charming about Kottarakara.It was may be the unique was my hometown was mentioned in chauvinistic arguements . may be it was the notoriety for which it was dreaded for ..which made me respect my Kottarakara.Or was it the bustand which was the symbol of everybodies teenage expressions of love and frustration!

It was also a place which beared witness to my first experience with love . and perhaps to a certain extent ..life too. A place where i have spent agonizing years to grow up . A place which was suffocating to the extent of almost wanting to get out of there at any cost . A place of my schools , the place where i was cheated into believing True friendship with a piece of shit called Syam . A place where i have learnt to fear god and believe in worship and festivals .A place where i lost my years in sleep and dream and waking slumber

It was all this to all those who lived and died there . First time i came to Chennai was the time i realised that i was really far away from my Kottarakara and sheni . Even though i had studied better part of my college life outside kottarakara..it was always less than 12 hours journey from whereever i was , but chennai was quite far . Far enough to make me feel lonely ,especially with that scumbag Syam ! It was really hard for me to understand his judgement of individuals , His prejudice was infact a very stark contrast for my thoughts and respect i had for him . Have i been cheated ..deceived .But Syam also loved me as a friend ..as someone who would not curse him for being a failure in life .Infact i never considered him a failure , only he was a bit odd. Actually eccentric . Considerable days were made unnoticed by our countless arguements..about begining of life ..our destiny .. universe ..religions ,
....to be continued

Dragger Life

2008-06-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

Pulling of with ease ! Phew
Many a days i been left with life staring at me like an uninvited guest in party ! I was not exactly the kind of person who would die to find out the meaning of life . But its been very long since i started to wonder why life was so difficult for very normal people . like being pushed from in all directions and pulled from within for all my forward movements .. life was turning out to be a big chaos !

Was intelligence my original curse . Pain is the biggest enemy . But pain has been the evolutionary tool without which we could have no fear of moving towards self destruction and danger .Life have become infinitely complicated for those living with intelligence and understanding ! or has it . i dont think anyone is caring about the end of the world . Its their own ass that everyone is caring ultimately about . Its not how world is facing acute shortage of food and resources .But how we could benefit from an already underresourced condition of the world

Politicians .. the original sin of humanity is appointing persons to take charge of their life and destiny .. and perhaps the direction of future humanity ! Democracy has failed to salvage the human race from a self inflicted path of destruction and decay . How trained was a politician in making decisions which would affect lives of millions.Even for making decisions to save the health of a single individual , we have designed courses spanning better half of an adult life . But that individual who is supposed to make decisions which is influencing the fate of humanity is totally judged by number . How stupid are we the people in choosing hopeless morons to electoral office !

Politics is a choice between bad and the worse ..Having said that ...the bad becomes worse than the worst only for you to realise its already too late . Today i heard that diesel was not available and what was available was being sold for 63 rupees. That is more than anything life is becoming so unbearable for millions of people who are dependant on the fossil fuels . Farmers commiting suicide are a direct result of our blind path towards .. possibly nowhere .

I have spend lions share of my morning hours in reading what i could in newspapers .watching and analysing news ..and reading news analysis. I just could not understand what was happening with my country . Was i taken for a ride by media ! How informed were the media about what was happening to my country . Media is so informative about what is happening .. they have all the point of views . They are such experts in giving definitive opinions . Why cant those who rule be as intelligent atleast to understand those who merely report these events to a clueless public .

Corruption have come to be accepted as a basic fact of life for millions of indians here in INdia ! Even for anyone to do ..his ..her duty .. we need to give money unofficially with such humble obediance that i almost feel like a powerless dog everytime i approach a goverment official . It was almost impossible to be obervant towards all the rules and regulations . It seem designed for Utopia ..which india Never was .never will be and Is right now ..never ..

I have seen movies with protogonist punishing the villians with death for accepting bribes and to a certain extent almost all of them were huge box office hits failing my understanding to grasp the reality of the situation . People were so helpless. They could just not act as individuals endowed with freedom to act ... with individuality and originality ! They are just being reduced to the level of mechanical contrceptions . Working 24 hrs a day ..even in their sleep . they must have forgotten that they were living and breathing ..as humans..as intelligent potential capable of comprehension

Paranoia . .. death destruction and decay ! these words describe what media wants us to believe . This world at the current pace just could not sustain itself much longer . I was going to witness the death of a civilization .. with much pain..agony and utter disbelief !

Suicide

2008-06-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

Suicide of intelligence
I was on production support since 5 am in the morning ! i was supposed to respond immediately to whatever caught the fancy of onsite manager .I was relatively new to the project and i knew only partially about the full funtionality of application.It was simple enough when he explained it over the phone . Confused and apprehensive about my reactions ..i proceeded with whatever little knowledge i had about the system . it was around 7 that i recieved a call from Glandu .. He asked me whether i knew someone called Goerge . Goerge was my collegue and was a very lively and likable personality . I always remembered him for how friendly he was and for all the beautiful girls surrounding him in pantry . He was the sort of person who was very successful in pulling off and image which was friendly as well as influencing , it was through him that i got introduced to many fellow malayalis in my office .... Yah man i know george . I did not know how to react when i was told that Goerge committed suicide. Initial reaction was that of disbelief. It just could not be ! somehow we just could not accept the death of someone very close to us . I was not shocked initially . Infact i just could not come to terms with the death of this guy , I really wished i was dreaming ..and when i wake up things would be fine ! But this was no dream ... this was his ugly reaction to something which definetely did not warrant such sudden arrest of life in him .

I was riding my bike at an unusually high speed . For a moment i felt like crying . But anger and grief had overcome me and i was cursing whatever eventuality which made him do what was so hard for me to believe . i picked up Glandu from luz corner and we went to his room . That was the first time that i went to his room . The way to his room was dimly lit , it was a multi storeyed apartment . Being brought up in a village where there is more space than you could roam your entire life .. i just could not understand how people could live in such closed and constricted spaces . There were rooms ..flats apartments .. more so than air and openspace . There were rooms which did not have any windows too . i wondered where we were all headed . Chennai was a only in its infancy in terms of devloping into a big city but even at this stage i could see the growth of ugliness and helplessness. I never saw anything other than just a mechanical dragging of life in anyone ....anything i saw over there . It was just a nightmare which people in cities have come to accept and .... to my dismay .. even aspire to live and own .Just by the sight of such closed living space .. thoughts of depression and sadness overcame me .

George nor his friends were there . I should have known .. .. i called them up , and came to know that they were having their breakfast . All of them looked so damn expressionless for me to see any reaction in them ! They were really clueless and to a certain extent really upset too with what they were facing at that moment . They told us that they were on the way to the police station . We were asked to go to the Morgue . It was not summer in chennai . But its always hot here . The heat was our atonement .. to our aimless life ... thoughts .. and Now ..an aimless death .

It took me an hour of patient crawling in traffic for me to reach the morgue .The morgue was nothing more than the decaying bodies which it had kept . I wondered how people could behave so ordinary ..in an environment polluted by decay and death . when we first saw the outside of the building , we did not dare enter the building . It was India .. a land whose DNA was imprinted with genes of careless abundance of ignorance . We feared for the sight of my Freinds earthly remains lying there .With all the rationalisation and courage i could manage at that moment .. i went ahead and asked the guy inside with what details i could provide him . He refered to my friend as IT .. Its lying inside the freezer ..

How stupid are we to have hopes and dreams beyond our decaying body ! Where was the life which was my friend. Now he was merely and IT .. it .. not even an animal .. it was just it ! Buddha must have been really sensitive to realise it ! it the it ! our body was just a material reaction .. Millions of cells .. each having its own aim .its own mechanism of existence ..somehow has come together and formed tissues.. tissues have become nations of organs .. all in a wonderfully orchestrated biochemical reactions fathered the imagination of my existance ... Stupid did i feel to the reality of my existance . I was cheated into believing my existance and an entity . Cells which were dying and living constantly in a flux .. in love with each other and chemical environment .. for their sustanance .. have made this complex illusion of having a human life for me ! for him who was now an it !

Did he ended his miseries upon such realisations of his virtual non existance . Did he die out of failing to understand the reason and justification of such cellular conspiracy ! Only an imaginary and masturbatory god Knows .. May be that bastard president Bush knew too !what a fool we all are .. Just tools in the hands of millions of forces making us and killing us each second .. infact each microseconds ! As i stood there with all these thoughts .. i saw his friends .. coming one by one .. similiarly shocked to see the horror of his earthly remains .

It was when i went to his friends room that i had realised the fact that he had left suicide notes . That too four of them ! One was meant for his friends .. one was meant for his parents.. and one was meant for police .. .. and one ...and one was meant for a girl .. Girl .. women .. sex .. the quintessential problem plagueing humanity ever since the separation of human race into two beings with dissimiliar body features . Man s obsession with woman and his dream of utopian relationships . Just a tactic in cellular conspiracy . Blinded are we all with the charm of relationships .. I wondered what part of that girl was making this man end his potential and capablities . Those in love will never agree that they love the womans body for sex . But what else is there in woman which is not there in man . He died for that want of boobs and vagina with a symmetrical face . Just the mathematics of genetics .

Woman are always the object of pride and possesion with giving thought to a living mind inside her body ..done to death is the imagination of illusory love by millions of poets and crazy writers. There was no love . Love is just a deoderant of nature to cover the ugly reality of human lust and want for primordial motion .You fool my friend Goerge .. the IT ..it ..it ..of morgue .. What was she .. but a thought in your mind .. a cellular conspiracy .. a decaying body .. ..boobs and butt of human flesh .. symetry and mathmatics .. a visual sensation . that have overwhelmed you my friend .. My comrade and fellow victim of human tragedy . Dont you worry my friend . Death is not the end of life .. infact it is what feeds life .. what drives evolution ..Death was the father of humanity ..perhaps..But my friend .. death is the very reality of life .. you did not have to hurry yourself so much to death . it was bound to haunt you ...to hunt you ..just you needed to wait for some forty ..fifty years .and fifty years is just a fraction of a second in cosmice timezone !

But a mind driven to desperation by the reality of its deception did not understand the logic of life . So he hanged ..with a bedsheet .. and a ceiling fan .. He killed not himself ..but the hopes and dreams of his parents.. our respect for him .. My dignity for love .. He was a rapist for our faith in him .. and friendship .. and love ..

When i came next day to the office .. it was business as usual ..no one seemed to know or care to know what happened to my friend . Just worried about that day .. and how its going to shape their eternal genetic future !

I fucking cursed the entire humanity for its blindness and slumber .. and was answering my onsite call from manager ! I said everything was working fine with the system !

i remembered George .. as a memory .. as an illusion.. a cellular conspiracy

Fathered by love

2008-06-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Homegrown
Today morning ,on my way to office...i saw someone ..who had arrested my attention in that busy juncture where everyone was cursing everyoneelse for doing whatever they did .The one thing about children is that they are all universally attractive . Only when they turned adults that ugliness is born and grown . May be it has to do with all the pollution and its accumulation ..Emotional pollution .. pollution of intelligence ..chemical and physiological pollution .. all have their roles in making trash out of that beautiful flower . i felt a very helpless desperation in that childs face . A look so sad that i had all the rights to burn down the entire universe for having created such empty sadness as i could see in that childs face .

There was a thousand and twenty three things i had to do in my office , i still remember how my fondness for my manager was raped by her ugly angry self nakedness. I just could not bear to have my work unfinished by even ten minutes . I had to reach office in time at anycost if not for anything ..for my peace of mind and the satisfaction of reading about unexpected before your gossip mongering collegue did . I revved up the engine ... but the empty silence i saw in that angel seemed to have made all these thoughts silent along with that of the sounds of chaos . I had frozen and decided to get off the bike and spend some time observing that child . Although i had very uncomfortable time adjusting to the potential of reaching office a bit late , i just could not make myself leave that place . I did not know what to do .

She must be only some 12 years old ..just younger than my neice .In my home my parents had always complaining about how my Neice was always not eating enough . Fed on a staple diet of Cadbury choclate and lays chips .. ordinary food had losts its taste to her growing taste buds . she was intoxicated with cartoons . Totally lost ..and equally cute child of my sister was a very big comfort for me in that lonely home .Beside sheni she was the only one girl that i totally fell in love with ...

But the kind of grace i saw in this child who was standing like a violation in that chaotic road was just too serene to resemble anything i have seen ..felt or could imagine ! i felt like crying out of guilt .. for being alive in a world which could make that child so desperate .. so dirty .. and so filthy in that hot sun .Had she her breakfast . I could see the bones of her face giving them a clear symetry . I just filled petrol for my bike costing atleast some 500 bucks . Shit why did i even use a fucking bike man .. while my angel was out here in road ..dirty .. fucking bastard me !!

i ordered a tea in that stall where i used to smoke every night after a long day .I suddenly saw something ..which made me feel the same way that i used to feel when i get Sheni s call .. the effervessence of happiness slowly returned to my depressed skull ..She was smiling .. infact laughing .it must have been her father .. He dressed like a beggar .but he had a grace in that face hidden in that thick bush of beard . i was sure it was from him that the girl must have got elements of charm which had me bearing the risk of uncomfortable language from my managers ..I stood there feeling thankful to that individual whom i really wish was her real father .. for making me feel less guilty of my Apache RTR and that 500 bucks i spent on fossilized energy .! i had immediately bought a cadburys the same brand that i used to give to my niece .. i had bought two and ran towards the child , She was holding her father s hand .. i felt like touching that guys feet out of respect and awe.

She did not even look at me when i gave her the choclate.. May be she was intimidated.. I have never been very popular for my looks anyway .. But as i was moving towards my junk of tyres and petrol tank , I could feel her happiness ..in my relief ..

Zipping past me was that girl in the office .. Oh my god .. she was not going in the bus.. I really made quite a sound revving up my engine . Hey babe .. wanna ride! i felt relieved to be back to my normal ..animal self !! Divine is so deep man !! phew (sheni being and exception though! )

Depressing

2008-06-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

Stupid and confusing !
Follow the herd and you ll find good grazing ,I have been following the herd ever since i could remember . Right from the days i could not make out what was going on around me .. i was just following others around me infront of me and besides me . and they were following others too. with no one leading the way .. i never really recognised that i was lost too .

and today .. when i woke up at 12 midnight and sensed that feeling of emptiness which had become the quintessence of my life,... i realised how inevitable forward have i come in a path which lead no where but to itself .An unstoppable urge to kill myself was the natural reaction that came to me . I thought of ways to myself . I could hang myself.Use a blade to bleed to death .Or it could be that i could set myself on fire .The more i thought about it . the more absurd it seemed to me . i retired the original lack of originality which had made me faceless in the first place , i decided to postpone my courage to a next opurtune day . That night was sleepless to say the least . i was haunted by formless darkness which seemed to have given face to my fear as i sensed it .I woke through my sleep to a sleeping day as the night turned into dawn .

THat day was no different than any single day that i witnessed. Endless cyles of day and night .. of birth and death .. of hate and love .. of poverty and opulance . i think its is these changes that make us feel that we are growing .. decaying .. and dying .What it would be if there was no movement . no reaction .. just stable ..and you are there to witness it ! quite contradicting i supposed ! i was witnessing what little my senses afforded to me in that dimension . and how really limited was my senses .It failed to assist even me in sensing what i really wanted .

Illusion was a really big part of my life . i tried to define what illusion was , what seemed very real at one point of life has become so utterly insignificant and unreal at some other part of life . May be its due to growth . but may be its due to change . i very often failed to recognise difference between growth and change .

What was i really here for .. in this world . in this form .Eating , sleeping , and doing countless unconscious and insignificant things in between .THere was only one answer ..REPRODUCTION . The allure of reproduction was that helplessly strong drive which i felt was deciding every breath of our whole life .

Being victims of reproduction and intelligence was rendered eunuch by my own excessive sex drive ! i think its especially true for indian male ..especially village .poor males . So Embaressingly frustrated . Nature gave us resources.and we became victims of our own imagination . Laws which ate into what it was protecting . Human dignity . It was unbearable for me to be in the shoes of an exploiter of woman .I could bear any disgust ..but that of being a female torturer . May be its the most profane manner which i saw eve teasers were treated had to do with my outlook .

Having proposed..visually verbally and vocally to more woman that i could count .i decided one thing ..that i would never lose my virginity .Now that was a stigma.So often had i lied so creatively and so desperately trying to be believable .. to myself and to my friends .about my imaginative sexual exploits . To me this sort of lying had reached its limit of raping what little human dignity that i had left in myself .Females indeed were from another planet . But i was really shocked how exceptionally ordinary and downright stupid were indeed these creatures of my (so called dream ha ha ) . I felt a very big and ugly relief everytime somewhere a woman was insulted for her snobish behaviour . i feared elements of mental dysfunction feeding on these frustrations ! i turned to prayer ..to silence .. to my friends who were girls .. but to my confirmations .. they were anything but remotely human ! i think this ought to end if these thoughts would like to sustain themselves in my human flesh ! This torture ... guilt of incestous lust towards fellow humanity was driving me to the verge of self immolition. Failing only due to my equally incompetant courage !

I turned to blogging ..in hope of finding a human soul in female form who could with her wit and intelligence could perhaps share my sense of humour at my plight ! but only found frustrated fellow men . with whom i had the deepest sympathy to be caring of any remote sorts ! How beautiful these fellow beings of kindness. it was indeed Nature s trick .. How else could a creature of intelligence could ever be lured to sacrifice his entire intelligent potential to a mechanical life of breeding children . The very eyes with which i am seeing this deception was designed originally by the one which decieved me .Nature ...

Why the fuck was it so cruel to me ! am i not part of it . All you woman who run from me ! are you and me not part of this solar system ( i smell rotten flesh of embarresment to admit)Lets make free love . I felt like Dr Jakyl and Mr hyde .The quitessential human split Where one half was indeed so genuinely puzzled by seeming deciet by nature .. while other part is trying to materialize the curiousity generated by these insights to garner more attention from other equally curious intelligence in cute female bodies to the ultimate exploits of its drives .How powerful were indeed these opponents who were fed equally on my blood !

May be indeed i am just an insignificant drop of nature s expirement with genetics . HOw cruel of nature .How very ugly was the very mother whose womb i used to sleep into existance !And quite comfortably sleeping ..a sleep of another kind .a sleep from which i could never wake up . I felt i was in such a dream you are stuck in ...in which you just could not wake up and snap out of it . Although resting my hopes on a female form seemed so hoplessly rotting decay of my seeming intelligence , i could not but feel relieved in my memories of sheni! How lovely she was in her waking presence . She was what memories of water was to a man dying in thirst . although it soothes his soul with its memories ,its magnifies his pains on his realization of his inability to have some ..may be just a drop ..or may be just memories .! and he dies having granted his wishes ! That was what sheni and her memories were to me !

What was equally if not more puzzling and frustrating to me was how devoid was the thoughts of lust in my wants for the one i loved ! it was as if .. serene ..out of the world ..unpolluted by reproduction. i cursed religion for creating a sense of shame in me as ingrained as were my hunger and thirst .I guess there indeed is nothing wrong with my body parts ..

Hopeless disgusted and equally frustrated were my realisation of what i saw around me . Sometimes i felt my feeling raped and casterated by what little words i could learn . Nothing.. i felt nothing could really express what i felt inside me ... my frustrations.. my longings .. my sufferings ..remained ingrained in me .Making me what i am .So very inevitably that i just fucking could not do any fucking thing about it .

From confusions ..to blindness to death .. that was where i was headed for ! to infamy to nothingess to decay .. i indeed searched for my ways around these seemingly unsurpassable realities around me .Knowing perfectly well how ladden were my boat ...sinking too .. in a sea of unknown ..unknowable .. Blindness and darkness

Words of the song reverberated in my death ..calling my lovers .. my parents ..my very last dying breath .. Gurucharanam saranam ..gurucharanam saranam ! Means i surrender to my guru ..the unknown .. the darkness the confusions .... his feet my solace .

Living without a girlfriend

2008-06-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

Girlfriends or lack of it !
One of the biggest challenge in the 21st century living it seems besides rising consumptions and falling resources ...is ...actually being a bachelor and without a girlfriend.Girlfriends rather lack of it has become the centre point of my recent conversations , i was really being sick of how obssessed i was becoming with the whole concept of having a member of opposite sex having insanely attachments with me

My whole effort to find one started right in the ripe age of kindergarden ! Where i had proposed to my school teacher . What i had in my mind was something totally different from how things turned out ! my naive senses were only waking to the complexities of human relations and to a very large extent movies fashioned my outlook about life and adults . Its really sick how south indian cinema that i was exposed to was really about only one subject .. LOVE . you had all varieties of love and the whole industry was only interested it seemed to me in one thing .. How to show the same boy meets girl fall in love story with some difference .. some had great song .. some had different locations ..background .but it all was focussed on only one thing .. LOVe .. the one film whose influence to which i succumbed my growing days was a film called Daisy ! When i watch it today . i really fail to recognise what part in that depressing film was that which caught my attention ! but it was a tender age . My tastes were not ripe enough to recognise the wine from sour grapes .Having watched it over on a depressing sunday evening , i was starting to relate with the charectors and so badly wanted to emulate the protogonist of that movie . It was so sad none of them girls who were educated along with me never really represented even remotely to the elements of beauty that i saw in the female lead which so enchanted me .It was in the second hour of the afternoon class did i see that my mathematics teacher had had distant similiarity in voice with my dream girl ! I was not even mature enough to be shocked at that time .

My failed

While i was so innocently chasing girls .. they were all chasing something much bigger ,.. life ! their ambitions .. big desires and hopes .. of material affluene and worldly influence .. their chase was too fast and involving to be seeing my naive outlook . And at the end of school i was almost a fool among the people who were running after illusory dreams . Having lost my dignity to blind people , my description of colours made as little sense to them as their dream to me !

It was at that time that i must have felt the most intense loneliness , i think its better to be lonely than to be terrible in people s company . but mind and thoughts would never leave me alone . like a billion bees constantly stinging each inch our your tenderest skin, my thoughts were continously torturing me with its search for my valour !

It was around that time ..that i saw sheni ! So pristine was she in my dream . while my eyes were peeled ! She was a darkness i need to hide myself and my ugliness . A crystall so pure that i smelt sweet to my tasteless tongue . A song so divine that i could hear my voice sung and my father too . She was a womb ready to accomodate the childish innocence in me ! and I cried ..

I wept ..

and killed myself ..

When i learnt that .. it was her parents blind hopes and ambitions .. which was living inside her earthly form . She was not human .. just a materialistion of her Fathers dream to gain respect and dignity in a shameless world ! And indeed she was stuffed with hatred .. lust and insecurity of a man haunted by his own greed.

I stood so supremely alone without a girlfriend .

Without possessing or being possesed

without hurting or being hurt

But fuck ..it really sux when you see yourself lonely in front of a pub on a saturday man ! he he

How to live without adsense

2008-06-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ever since i heard of adsense I been wanting To make money out it,Numerous strategies have been said about making and creating traffic and i did tried numerous of them ! but to my dismay most of them did not work,

Everyday i would so look into the account of adsense in google , only to find the figure of zero without any prefix staring at me like my frustrated efforts to make money . Money money money ... its honey in a rich mans world. I think this world has made man invisible , its about what you have and what you can earn .Show me the money honey ! thats what the adage goes is nt it. May be its a mirage that everyone could get what they want.

I tried to fill my frustrated attempts with philosophical insights . Eckhart tolle... Osho .. among the numerous refuges that i seeked solace .I tried to justify my existance without ample cushions of material wealth with spiritual meanings. I am no buddha to have been born with a platinum spoon in my mouth . And the more i interacted with the world the more i realised that .. true love and simple life was dead and decaying with bones of dinosaurs .

Many a times i felt like a puppet of my drives, my subconscious desires played me like a flute . and i was driven to restlessness.Where is peace . incessant activites of my mind made me helpless victim of my own torture. I wish i had a switch to turn off mental activites .

i think the biggest byproduct of post modern city life is the frustrations of people who believe in a fairy tail life ,i think someone should tell that toothfairy was raped and her corpse was feeding corporate dogs .what indeed is the solutions for my frustrations . I turned to blogging in the vain effort of finding similiar minds/voices.Infact the the only ray of hope in the helpless times is to find groups of lonely people .

Loneliness is a curse and child of competition . i think in our fight for survival , we have forgotten the basic fact of impermenance of life. its like a traveller who have forgotten his destination half way along the journey seeking help of people who are equally lost if not more confused .

I think george Bush that bastard american president was my biggest hope . I really liked his administration of global terror. He was a kind messiah who made it easy for third world countries with an easy solution of quick destruction and death . I think he is just a reactionary jerk .

What indeed is the solution of my existential problems . Sheni . my lover.. my dream since the dawn of my conscious day . looked like a person who can solve hardest of confusions.i called her after a long time. fully drunk and hardly able to comprehend or control what i was even thinking .. But to my dismay .. i found her attending the call and responding with poise and maturity with a dose of wit and comfort .. which made me ashamed of myself in that drunken state.. she was a child ..as naive and pure as my thoughts of prayer and peace . i did not remember the words that i had with her in that conversation which salvaged my sleepless nights. but a feeling of comfort had soothed my pains . She was a balm for my wounded hopes.

But she was an equally confused traveller ..thirsty and helpless as i was .. Driven was she to the verge of cluelessness by an equally helpless family who were forced to make every conversation end in plans of marrying her off to a rich and powerful man who would do them proud .

I could not blame anyone but a sperm out of millions which was shot in my mothers womb . i think even those sperms must have been helpless . Driven were they by a primordial drive .. Drive for existance.. drive for life .. drive for more permenance..drive for metamorphosis.. drive for..........death ..

Death seemed an illusion to me! even death was powerless in teaching humans the value of life for which his intelligence was designed for . i think intelligence or rather the lack of it is the original sin and curse !

Blind hope.. just blind and thoughtless and logicless hope .. make me sleep through another day .. into and eternally confused path towards my desire to exist with reason and justification!

How to make money without adsense

2008-06-18T07:16:00.001-07:00

How to make money ! ?

Hmm ..how to make money without adsense .. this should be easy .. beg ..borrow ..steal! but seriously .as is heard in a very popular song , the rich is getting richer ,and poor is getting poorer .is nt it ?

The world is getting very complex nowadays ..and the old adage which says information is wealth could not be more apt considering our situation !

Its all about knowing the right thing , at right time and using it to your right advantage . When i started to hear about adsense , i was really excited , and for the right reason , my friend was showing me many ways articles where users had made a lot of money of adsense , anyone would be tempted as so was I , i too started a blog of my own and published it to small group of friends , updated everyday with whatever deemed suited and like a patient parent waited it to grow .. to my frustration i was seeing that although i was getting a lot of hits , the earning through adsense remained same ,,nil! I tried several other similiar advertising programs. but nothing much helped me .

My dream remained distant , and all i could think about was to revive my father business .. that of selling sweets . i just could nt make myself to the fact that i be selling sweets to cornershops . that too after having done my Masters in university campus itself . then i slowly learned to accept the fact that .its the money you earn and not the person you are which make society respect yourself , So what i did ,, i just refreshed on my jilebi making and cycling skills .. and after about two months of hardwork i was as good as my father in making sweets . i gradually began to love my work !

Love and respect for what you do is the key to your success in any field , but there are indeed some fields which just kicks in your bottom like adsense though . so what s the key to making money as easy as does adsense is ? i really wish i knew .. it all really depends on perception . i think love for what you do makes things easier for you to work on , i mean if you love what you do .. then what you do stops being so hard on you .

jokes apart , i tried some alternative business methods . Growing spirulina is actually a very good option you know , Try growing spirulina .. depending on its demand in you local market , you could earn upto 30 K permonth i have been earning upto 20 k per month

Kottarakara is my Blog !! ha ha

2008-06-18T07:14:00.001-07:00

Kottarakara
Kottarakara

My place that is what it is .The geographic location in earth where i grew up into what i was. It was more than just a place in the map ( although i really found it very hard to ever find it in any map ,I wondered if this was listed in any significant maps-May be one of uncharted panchayats of India)

I believe that Gandhi said that Villages were the soul of India , India was so full of villages , everywhere you go it was just villages . I wondered what a village was ,I was told that my home town , Kottarakara was a village ! When i was a child i was told that places employing bullock carts were definetly villages . So a bullock was causing my homtown to be marred of the status of City .

City was something alien to me at that time . The biggest city which i have seen that time was Trivandrum .Trivandrum was the capital of kerala . I still have trouble understanding the reason why they must have made that city the capital . That place hardly resembles anything modern . to me now .. i think trivandrum just makes me think of it as a very big village if anything .

But Kottarakara was totally different . Eventhough it was very worst than even Trivandrum in terms of infrastructure devlopment , i still had thought of Kottarakara with highest regards .May be it has all to do with the very modern looking individuals and what they must have made me think ! LOL .. but what really makes it modern are the kottarakara girls !! Muslim girls muslim girls..the hindu girls hindu girls.. and the christian girls christian girls .. i am not saying that i believe in religion at all . i am a strict agnostic . For me religions is your very breath .not something you label yourself with , what i am trying to communicate here is that girls from each community had a thread of common traits which really set the apart from each other . I always had a special crush on muslim girls . They seemed so mysterious . I think mystery is the sacred . If it was not for a feeling of mystery i think peotry would have been long dead . Man must feel mysterious about any and everything !

So what made my Kottarakara so special except for these Individuals . May be the railwaystation . Yeah the railwaystation ! WOW what a bloody wonderful place , The place where i learnt to inhale fumes of tobacco , the place where i was introduced to the sacred sect of porn watchers .. the place which was so surrounded by vegetations that it was always in twilight even at the peak of a summer afternoon . I really wished to spend some time there with someone i loved..the trouble always being to find her being able to swallow my looks !

Oh how can i miss the bustand ! our main bird santuary . The central station which was a hub for all international love trafficking . i have seen birth and death of so many love stories in that bustation . It was not exactly a very neat place .Infact it was even scary after night . but it was a place which people landed so inevitably due to their everyday needs to travel to place of work .study .. It was beautiful (i m not sure if all the girls would say the same)

Did i miss something .. aah .. our own venugopal theatre .. It was a place which was an exclusive premeire for all international movies . But speciality being movies featuring actors and mainly actresses in a compromising situation ! yeah porn man porn ! i was so scared to go to the theatre for the first time .. so often did i go to the very gate only to be turned back after seeing someone remotely familiar. it was hell man .. i mean my father was a businessman . and literally he was very famous guy .. so i found it so hard and exciting to be able to see a show without having this discussed as a hot topic the next day . And more out of frustration i am sure , i just went inside one day .. after the show had started .. it was a french movie . and extremely artistic i must admit !! phew.. talk about nostalgia !! he he !

And the bars were always really cheap . I am not saying that they are very cheap but you could buy what little quantity you want and have it in peace of mind in a good ambeince !! and good food too ! .

Having said all this .. there are a few things that i really dont like very much about kottarakara ! first .. snobbish people !!

Second .. Parents of very attractive girls and their animosity with me

and thirds and final .. the KOTTARAKARA POLICE DEPARTMENT (very ugly )

India is my Blog ! he he

2008-06-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

India as a tourist destination

I have been born and to some extent brought up in a place called india ! i never felt very special about being in India ! i think its like einstein said ! I mean theory of relativity . Its all about comparing with someone /something else that you know your real size , in that way when i compared my country with poorer african cousins , i thought i was lucky to have been born here in india

But that is not always the way our mind works is it , i still remember the first time cable television came to my house , it was a visual and sensory assault . Till that time we had something called doordarshan ! and once in a week usually on sunday , we had a movie , the sunday movie session was a treat to the entire family ! it was like a small get together , everyone would gather around and watched it with great pride and joy ! our family was among the first in our nieghbourhood to have a colour television not because we were particularly rich ,but because my father was like a movie addict, i heard once that he used to go to several different movies on same day when he got chances !We really used to cherish those movies , sometimes they put really bad movies , but we had not choice but to curse the manager of that programe , watched it nonetheless . But cable television was totally different , we have so many different channels showing contents varying from news to sports to songs all the time. It was really nice to see songs . I think we indians are addicted to music . I really wondered why most of the song sequences were shot abroad in scenic locales . And then .it was the english movie channels which gave me the first few glimpses of life outside a country of mine

But None of these quite blown my mind away like the way i have seen the travel shows in dicovery channels . It was quite magical . the music ,the intimate way the host describes her journeys . i think the name of the show was lonely planet . The show was a very high quality production, the poeple will not feel like i am watching something cheap . I felt proud to be able to understand what was being communicated . and even prouder by what i saw as awe of the show anchors for what they saw in india . Although the foriegn locales were equally breath taking . the shows which featured India was particularly of great interest for me ! i used to miss some quarterly exams even to catch a show which was retelecasted !! and not feel guilty about it too ! what can i say . And i almost fell in love with the show anchor , i decided that when i grow old enough i will go in search of her quite the way she used to come to India .. but having already grown old enough and dawning of enlightenment about the reality of what i look like , i easily gave up that hope !

I believe that it was on a wednesday afternoon that i saw that show which featured Varkala ! WOwW .. varkala was a golden beach . I was always very nostalgic about varkala , i felt the same for Varkala as i felt for my first schoold crush ! but this was even more beautiful , it was as if i was watching something i did not see, Magic of camera made Varkala seem like something out of my dream , Lens captured the morning sun like a gentle caress from heaven . That was pure poetry on part of Discovery , what they did to that place and how it came out on show . I wanted to kiss the host !

I really believe its a lot about how you see things , when you have so many things going on in your mind , you really miss your everyday charm , you just roam like a theif being chased by police . Only when i saw my home town depicted in technicolour did i see how really and truly amazing it was . I just took for granted the beauty and elegance of my mother until i was reminded by a poet about her natural grace . I felt blessed that i graced her womb . my mother .. my india !

Adsense is it hoax

2008-06-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

adsense is hoax

I personally have experienced that adsense a very big hoax as well as a threat , i dont know from where the money is getting generated , I mean just when you search the internet you will be listed tens and thousands of postings promising to teach you how to cheat adsense , that itself will tell you for example how popular is it is a notion that adsense is something that can very easily be misused , there is nt much to adsense except for the media hype

so what makes adsense so attractive to people .. well that must be easy to guess .. easy money ofcourse . not every one wants to do somthing worthwhile for their money , i think that google has been very successful in fooling people into believe that it is indeed successful business model to have people use ads in webpages to do some real and fruitful business for them , i think it should go bust any time soon . Virtually everyone who is any one having some basic understanding on internet wants to make money of the internet . there is no big future in the internet , the way things are going , our market got so very complicated that we are not producing anything of value

There is a gradual phenomenon of a decrease in production of valuable and worthy resources , that is why we are facing an acute food shortage , we are moving away from our basic needs . Being a very socially advanced animals .. we dont even have the basic foresights to see our own doom fueled by our insipid shortsighted devlopment !

I have two words for anyone interested in making money of adsense .. grow up and get a job .. if not plant some trees ,.. farm Lets make money ..by making something that is of value .. not cheat people of their valuable efforts

Meaningnlessness staring right at me where i am empty

2008-05-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

After much hiding cajoling and coercing .. i finally succumbed to the meaningless reality of life .. why was i searching for a meaning ! i wonder being endowed with an education system which imposed logic and its tenets into my thinking pattern . its but inevitable that i come across of question justifying my existance ! may be bored , yeah .. that is more appropriatedly understandable explantion of what i was going through , i was bored .. and may be this make sense to the ordinary mortals .. ordinary .. how ordinary are we all . i think its because of all the competetion for space .. food .. mate makes us not able to stand and think about the significance of it all . i think its a foolish mistake for us to be invovled this endless and cyclic ..cynical .loop of marriage childbirth ..love ..separation and all . i think if we are numb .. yeah that is right we should be numb .. totally indifferent to even our own literal disintegration ! and destruction . i think global suicide might bring about some relief to our relentless madness. Pray.. pray .. my mind for respite .. relief from itself .. mind is the biggest challenge to itself .let s pray that we are able to relieve itself of its pains

New contents for new people

2008-04-16T04:13:00.001-07:00

My Latest craze !!

2008-04-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

2008-02-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

Anjathey Songs really rox

Here s the link
Anjaathey

Kathazha Kannale

Veenaidi Nee

2008-02-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

He is Dostoevsky .. one of my most favourite author ,
Here is the link to his famous Novel

Crime and Punishment

Download

Dasan Vs Vijayan

2008-02-13T04:13:00.000-08:00

Dasan Vs Vijayan ... LInk please do check this out .. by the ways No offence dear laalettan fans

See the link

2008-02-13T02:49:00.000-08:00

Valentine day special Downloads

Desktop Decorate Cool valentine

Ice age Thems

2008-02-12T01:47:00.001-08:00

hey guys ..

Check out this cool web clock ..

See the statistics about how many of us are attacked by diseased , born die and live this life

me how you feel afterwards

WORLD CLOCK

2008-02-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

SURESH kOTTARAKARA

Track details

cOME VISIT HTTP://SURESH.UK.TO

One inspiring story

2008-02-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

Inspirational Story !!

One day all the employees of an organization reached their office and they saw a big notice on the door on which it was written: "Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym".

In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up. Everyone thought: "Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!”

One by one, the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it, they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.

There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself. There was also a sign next to the mirror that said: “There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU. You are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself”.

Examine yourself. Watch yourself. Do not be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses. Be a winner; build yourself and your reality. The world is like a mirror: it gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes or when your company changes. Your life changes only when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs and when you realise that you are the only one responsible for your life.

2008-02-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Days Songs

-->Click these images

More ?? Watch out for these space

Nokia N91 Bugs

2008-02-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

I own a Nokia N91 music edtion ,It has got a lot of bugs like ,

Hangs when you check balance using *123#

Blacks out when you open more than one application at a time

Some songs to get corrupt

We can update the phone software from the official nokia site (www.nokia.co.in)

Download the software updater software and update the phone s software when you feel deemed , this will help for sure

The Alchemist ebook

2008-02-09T07:20:00.000-08:00

There has been very few books which make you think , there are fewer books which can make you act.But there are those few books which can change your life for ever, in this overwhelmingly cruel ,cunning , confusing and chaotic life, Alchemist was one book which made some sense to believe in the miracle . Honest thinking makes us notice the really miraculous nature of life, our life, our breath , our every second in this earthly sojourn is nothing short of miracle ..lets celebrate , i thoroughly enjoyed reading Alchemist , i hope you do too ..happy reading ,

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