Love letters of a Mad man !

Monday, May 31, 2010

I am basically a mad man . A man madly in love .. with a girl ! With many girls . and no one .. not a single one ..Had ever loved me back . not the way I was told people would love . their love would be the love of sisters to their brothers . What do they say - Yeah Platonian love and respect for their friends ! So I became mad .. (Madly in love )! with these female liars . lieing females . I have my madness shape my words ! An expression of a dying mad man ! So you must have a second , or third infinite thought before you would want to read .. this following . After having said that .. There is no reality in these words . Except that certain persons may be real .. like me and the morning , LIke the love ! I had for this female ! who thought I was completely mad !! - So read on for further madness !!


There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears !

She was like the sand . The sand of Thiruvanmayur beach . The place where I met her . The place where I met ..Love for the twelth inconsequential time in my life . It was as fresh as the first time I saw love . First time I saw her eyes . WHich were like the sea . It was like to see her I did nt need the eyes . I saw her with my heart . With my skin , And my very breath . ..Was she beautiful ! ? oh boy ..sure told my heart . As it beat like it had just recieved an electric shock .....
Love did exist .. I told myself as I saw her walking . Her morning walk perhaps ! May be sunshine ! may be the beach .. I thanked a million reasons why I was awake and chose to walk that beach . Thiruvanmayur beach . The beach which was a temple on which the godess of beach had walked . I did nt knew her name was ..Roh when I had met her for the first time .. But I knew my heart was beating so fast that I had felt the same beat just now . When I remembered her ..

Enna thavam seitha nee ..Yashoda .. Eerezhu bhuvanangal padaithavai ..Kaiyil enthi thaalaati Paalutti varam tharuvai !

It was a song , A beautiful song . It was singing on the background in a shop which sold tea and hot coffee . It was a devotional song ! divine song .. Bakta s song
HOw blessed you are Yashoda . That you had krisha , The lord who created the seven worlds as your sun . You tease him as a mother . How blessed you are indeed . I felt like Yashoda . I felt like her mother . To love her like a mother . To take her care and to care for her . There were some existential similiarities between the love of a mother , that of a devotee and that of a man who saw her in that morning . Although she was just a mere mortal female . She was my god , my beautiful morning . and she was like the sand . and the sea . Rohini ...

The world was formed for a reason . or caused by this drive to be formed . To exist .. And there could nt be a reason more beautiful than this female . Rohini .. Who was so beautiful that she was the reason why there was life in this universe . I felt like the first bacteria . The firt Eukaryote . The first of mamals and birds . I felt like the reason why Man had evolved into what he was . It was to love ...Ha ..To love .. .. it was to see her .. To see my existential belonging called ..Rohini ..

It was some two months later .. that I saw her .. sitting in the same classroom as mine . She had joined the course .. A mind improving , speech improving course . Personality development course ! A corporate gimmick . A stupidily creative time pass for bored employees ...
She was one of the many attractive females in that room that day . She introduced herself as ..>Rohini . I felt like I had known her my entire life . Ever since I was bacteria . No even since I was non living . may be before the formation of Universe itself . I was surprised that I was smiling at her . Was I not supposed to be nervous . Utter stupid words . Things ! no .. I was cool . I was trying to be cool . I smiled ! She came near me . I thought she was going to kiss me . No ..she just shook my hand ! and told me sit down ! I was sitting near her !
She had this fashionable nervousness about her like every beautiful girl I had seen . Well only she was slightly more nervous . . When she spoke . She spoke about Coimbature . About Chennai , about movies that she saw

She laughed and giggled in the middle of the conversations . Actually I never listened to anything she said ..Except for may be the laughs , Giggles and silent incessant pauses . Nervous pauses
I liked her , I loved her .. Like I loved the sands .. The beaches ..and her conversations ! continously caressing me like Yashoda ! I was god now ! The god ! The living god .. The god of my love for her ! I created the universe that she may be near me ..That she may sit with me and share me a joke ..That she may ..giggle and laugh .. That she may caress my left hand .. and leave me paralysed for an entire lifetime !! I was numb to everything else around me.. Everything else except for her ! the giggles ! For her I was all eyes , ears , nose , and skin of my left hand ..which she touched . By accident or by fate ! I was .. the worlds only lucky man . the most lucky man ! and that day .. I had a ferrari .. a mercedes .. A BMW and an Apache RTR !! I was that happy ..! ecstacy had an experience. And it was her . was it the love for her . Or the love for me ..or my unborn children who were laughing with her . I made love .. Sweet love .. Just in my thoughts with her ! I knew then that for a man in love . One square inch in the left hand .. can be a gateway to an existential ever lasting ..orgasmic ecstasy !

It lasted for two weeks .. The training . Two million ..Twenty billion years ..It lasted in my memories ! The memories of existance . THe memories of Cosmos ! I forgot .. to take her number . It was so ungentlemanly to ask her number . And she was gone ! .. Nowhere to be found ! Had she abandoned me ! Had the universe abandoned me ?
Then she had a blog .. So I was told ! I too started to write . Mostly about her ! ..Only about her . Only I was very talented .. In making it appear like I had written about something else , Like a poem on moon . ...Silly people ! Silly her . Who knows ..that All that exists and beautiful in my world . is her !! Her name .. Rohini !

I read her blogs , Her thoughts were as beautiful as her . It was not complete . What she said . She said what she told in words still growing . COmpletely and hopelessly alive words. So alive that I had to cry .. To see it . I saw it with my happy tears . So beautifully she wrote that it were competing , with her physical beauty . naah ..she was completely beautiful . even her words . I found a new found respect .. a stupid need ..a desire to be with her forever ! may be to marry her . To make love and make our first child . Like her she would be . Our daughter . Like sand and sea .. Our house beside the beach ! Where I would see her , My wife and my daughter .. And fall in love ..With sunshine .. and morning everyday !

And I had gone the other day . To coimbature . To learn where she lived .. To my surprise she came to pick me up ! She even took me to her house ! we had dined .. A green tea .. A sugarless boiled , green coloured concoction of boiling water and tea leaves . It purified me . Oh no .. How can I want to make her my wife . She was so beautiful .. How will she accept me . An ordinary lover . . . With nothing else to offer but my love for her ! ....My doubts grew with me .. and I had left her .. Without holding her hand . without kissing her ..
And it was worthless my love . All I can do is write about her . To have her read .. To make her feel ..good !

But nothing else !
And once she told me .. Not to love her than much ! That she may not respond ! .....
She was very subtle .. Like my unborn daughter . Very gentle she was ..Like the sea .. But she was telling me to .. go .. let go and get lost . She was telling me to .. get out .. and stay out ..of her life !
There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears
I was going mad !!

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Pankaj Batra said...

good one.
Keep writing such stuff