Love letters of a Mad man !

Monday, May 31, 2010


I am basically a mad man . A man madly in love .. with a girl ! With many girls . and no one .. not a single one ..Had ever loved me back . not the way I was told people would love . their love would be the love of sisters to their brothers . What do they say - Yeah Platonian love and respect for their friends ! So I became mad .. (Madly in love )! with these female liars . lieing females . I have my madness shape my words ! An expression of a dying mad man ! So you must have a second , or third infinite thought before you would want to read .. this following . After having said that .. There is no reality in these words . Except that certain persons may be real .. like me and the morning , LIke the love ! I had for this female ! who thought I was completely mad !! - So read on for further madness !!

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There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears !


She was like the sand . The sand of Thiruvanmayur beach . The place where I met her . The place where I met ..Love for the twelth inconsequential time in my life . It was as fresh as the first time I saw love . First time I saw her eyes . WHich were like the sea . It was like to see her I did nt need the eyes . I saw her with my heart . With my skin , And my very breath . ..Was she beautiful ! ? oh boy ..sure told my heart . As it beat like it had just recieved an electric shock .....
Love did exist .. I told myself as I saw her walking . Her morning walk perhaps ! May be sunshine ! may be the beach .. I thanked a million reasons why I was awake and chose to walk ...in that beach . Thiruvanmayur beach . The beach which was a temple on which the godess of beach had walked . I did nt knew her name was ..Roh when I had met her for the first time .. But I knew my heart was beating so fast that I had felt the same beat just now . When I remembered her ..



Enna thavam seitha nee ..Yashoda .. Eerezhu bhuvanangal padaithavai ..Kaiyil enthi thaalaati Paalutti varam tharuvai !


It was a song , A beautiful song . It was singing on the background in a shop which sold tea and hot coffee . It was a devotional song ! divine song .. Bakta s song
HOw blessed you are Yashoda . That you had krisha , The lord who created the seven worlds as your sun . You tease him as a mother . How blessed you are indeed . I felt like Yashoda . I felt like her mother . To love her like a mother . To take her care and to care for her . There were some existential similiarities between the love of a mother , that of a devotee and that of a man who saw her in that morning . Although she was just a mere mortal female . She was my god , my beautiful morning . and she was like the sand . and the sea . Rohini ...



The world was formed for a reason . or caused by this drive to be formed . To exist .. And there could nt be a reason more beautiful than this female . Rohini .. Who was so beautiful that she was the reason why there was life in this universe . I felt like the first bacteria . The firt Eukaryote . The first of mamals and birds . I felt like the reason why Man had evolved into what he was . It was to love ...Ha ..To love .. ...no .. it was to see her .. To see my existential belonging called ..Rohini ..




It was some two months later .. that I saw her .. sitting in the same classroom as mine . She had joined the course .. A mind improving , speech improving course . Personality development course ! A corporate gimmick . A stupidily creative time pass for bored employees ...
She was one of the many attractive females in that room that day . She introduced herself as ..>Rohini . I felt like I had known her my entire life . Ever since I was bacteria . No even since I was non living . may be before the formation of Universe itself . I was surprised that I was smiling at her . Was I not supposed to be nervous . Utter stupid words . Things ! no .. I was cool . I was trying to be cool . I smiled ! She came near me . I thought she was going to kiss me . No ..she just shook my hand ! and told me ...to sit down ! I was sitting near her !
She had this fashionable nervousness about her like every beautiful girl I had seen . Well only she was slightly more nervous . . When she spoke . She spoke about Coimbature . About Chennai , about movies that she saw




She laughed and giggled in the middle of the conversations . Actually I never listened to anything she said ..Except for may be the laughs , Giggles and silent incessant pauses . Nervous pauses
I liked her , I loved her .. Like I loved the sands .. The beaches ..and her conversations ! continously caressing me like Yashoda ! I was god now ! The god ! The living god .. The god of my love for her ! I created the universe ..so that she may be near me ..That she may sit with me and share me a joke ..That she may ..giggle and laugh .. That she may caress my left hand .. and leave me paralysed for an entire lifetime !! I was numb to everything else around me.. Everything else except for her ! the giggles ! For her I was all eyes , ears , nose , and skin of my left hand ..which she touched . By accident or by fate ! I was .. the worlds only lucky man . the most lucky man ! and that day .. I had a ferrari .. a mercedes .. A BMW and an Apache RTR !! I was that happy ..! ecstacy had an experience. And it was her . was it the love for her . Or the love for me ..or my unborn children who were laughing with her . I made love .. Sweet love .. Just in my thoughts with her ! I knew then that for a man in love . One square inch in the left hand .. can be a gateway to an existential ever lasting ..orgasmic ecstasy !




It lasted for two weeks .. The training . Two million ..Twenty billion years ..It lasted in my memories ! The memories of existance . THe memories of Cosmos ! I forgot .. to take her number . It was so ungentlemanly to ask her number . And she was gone ! .. Nowhere to be found ! Had she abandoned me ! Had the universe abandoned me ?
Then she had a blog .. So I was told ! I too started to write . Mostly about her ! ..Only about her . Only I was very talented .. In making it appear like I had written about something else , Like a poem on moon . ...Silly people ! Silly her . Who knows ..that All that exists and beautiful in my world . is her !! Her name .. Rohini !




I read her blogs , Her thoughts were as beautiful as her . It was not complete . What she said . She said what she told in words still growing . COmpletely and hopelessly alive words. So alive that I had to cry .. To see it . I saw it with my happy tears . So beautifully she wrote that it were competing , with her physical beauty . naah ..she was completely beautiful . even her words . I found a new found respect .. a stupid need ..a desire to be with her forever ! may be to marry her . To make love and make our first child . Like her she would be . Our daughter . Like sand and sea .. Our house beside the beach ! Where I would see her , My wife and my daughter .. And fall in love ..With sunshine .. and morning ..like everyday !



And I had gone the other day . To coimbature . To learn where she lived .. To my surprise she came to pick me up ! She even took me to her house ! we had dined .. A green tea .. A sugarless boiled , green coloured concoction of boiling water and tea leaves . It purified me . Oh no .. How can I want to make her my wife . She was so beautiful .. How will she accept me . An ordinary lover . . . With nothing else to offer but my love for her ! ....My doubts grew with me .. and I had left her .. Without holding her hand . without kissing her ..
And it was worthless my love . All I can do is write about her . To have her read .. To make her feel ..good !


But nothing else !
And once she told me .. Not to love her than much ! That she may not respond ! .....
She was very subtle .. Like my unborn daughter . Very gentle she was ..Like the sea .. But she was telling me to .. go .. let go and get lost . She was telling me to .. get out .. and stay out ..of her life !
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There was no love . Without any love , How can I love her . was I lieing , Did I tell her a lie , when I told her ..In my dreams yesterday , That I loved her more than anything in the world ? Or was it that I was lieing to myself . As I tell myself ..That I love her more dearly than anything I knew . Anything I held so closely in my hand that it dissappears
I was going mad !!

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1 comments:

Pankaj Batra said...

good one.
Keep writing such stuff