Story of a love ..lover ..and beyond

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Suicide Notes
It was around two am , Monday morning and Pappu was helplessly cursing the rest of the humanity and his forefathers making him poor enough to have opted for a job which made him wait for that ugly cab driver to arrive 2 am in the morning . It was the time when the rest of humanity had known what sleep is ,It was eternally hot in chennai only at around 2 Am did those in that place knew what it was cool enough to forget their waking hours . It was very difficult for Pappu to adjust to the night and day workstyle in that company he joined . He feared he would catch them deadly ulcers and cancers and he would die sooner because he had worked day and night . But human body has this strange habit to being used to anything ..abuse .. torture ..even to a point to be depending on it for its continued survival . The same was true with mind and soul too . we all needed our tortures to endure ..So thought pappu . Pappu s tortures were simple ..it was cigarrettes and weekend with this friends at Beasant Nagar beach . Not everything in Pappus life was a torture though . Sheni was among the few of the things Pappu thought was making life worth living .He had never met Sheni though.

Cab driver was late by an hour that day , Pappu really felt sorry for himself not to have slept for just ten more minutes . He felt that only if he could sleep ten more minutes than he was sleeping , the entire humanity and his grandfather too would be rid of all malice .. he even thought if he had slept enough , he would even end up marrying sheni . Cab driver was murmerring something in a language only he himself understood.He had some pick ups which had made him late .On his way to office , he saw Monisha being dropped from a car which looked very expensive from far

She looked like the reason day had turned dark . She needed all the darkness in the world to hide her darkness..shame..tears..and most of all ..her beauty . Monisha was by far the most beautiful girl he had ever seen .she was from Ooty . She was the first Prostitute that Pappu had seen . Infact she was the only prostitute he had ever seen . God was indeed cruel .. he made Monisha so beautiful and cursed her life with dogs ..which always fed on her tears and flesh . Pappu always had wanted to speak to her . Pappu always thought that at anypoint of time there is no reason why people should feel ashamed of themselves. He somehow wanted to make her feel good about her .. about her helplessness..Secretly Pappu had always felt a very brotherly feelings towards her .He had two sisters..and he always felt anguish when they were intruded by visually by those strangers who looked at his sisters. Had Monisha a brother . Did she had a family .

It was around Four o clock when pappu had reached office . As usual , he immediately settled for a coffee and gossips , Pappu never felt really tensed around deadlines .He finished his job early , and left home before 3PM . Pappu s apartment was quintessentially deserted during office hours. It was full of Bachelors . and no one really stayed there even on weekends . They only came there to one thing in life they always did till they were dead ..Sleeping ..If only Bush had slept for ten more minutes , world would be one less war he thought . Pappu went out for a tea after changing dress. It was at that time , that he saw Monisha coming out of his friend Syam s apartment . Syam was Pappu s childhood friend . whom he shared none of the warmth he shared with the street dogs and strangers he met .They were once friends . But Pappus fathers sudden loss of business and poverty seemed to have distanced syam from him and Pappus realisation of his friends attitude towards his financial conditions had made alienated slowly from Syam .Its not that Syam was ruthless or heartless.Only he made Pappu feel obligated and lesser for every help that he extented .It was the first time Pappu sensed complexities creep into his relationships.Syam also did not like Pappus moral outlook of the world .For Pappu.Man's Virginity was very prescious . To be preserved to the one who he s going to marry and occassionally to masturbation .But Pappu always ended up speaking against marriage too .To him marriage was not supposed to be an arrangement to be made fashioned after contracts and clauses.As for Pappu , he thought he will marry the day he can make sheni fall in love with him . Nothing more was needed . Just a knowledge..an assurance that he is loved by the one he loved was all that was there to marriage . He knew that Sheni would never marry him .nor love him .. still he preserved virginity ..For it was his choice ..his freedom .. His ZAHIR .. his Sheni .

Pappu always hated gossips . never listened to gossips and sometimes outright bursted when faced with gossips . But what he heard in Tea shop was about Monisha .Some one was telling that they had seen her beaten up .Pappu did not know the reason why he had become so curious..so anxious .. So sad too. He immediately felt really angry at Monisha .Why did she let someone hit her . Pappu always hated physical violence . He never hurted anyone physically ..emotionally ..and spiritually ..atleast not intentionally .It was at around that time that he had Seen Monisha . This time he decided that he would not have shame when he looked at .9940337406..That was her number . He remembered that he had got her number for Syam . He did not knew why . somehow he had this very strange reassurance about strangers. He never for once feel hesistant in asking strange people their phone numbers. He did not knew that she was a prostitute when he had asked monisha for her number .But when later he found that she was one . He just forgot about the number that he had always carried in his mobile. He did not dared call someone who was in flesh trade . he just messaged her ...asking if she was okay ! She had replied to him . He was a bit unsure before opening the message .But he finally read it . It said .. 5000 bucks for one night ...with complimentry blowjob . Pappu was shocked beyond disbelief . He did not knew what to do . Next day again he saw her coming out from Syam s house . This time he dared to have a closer look at her . Her eyes had swollen . Yes she was beaten up . abused ..manhandled. He remembered how powerless and defeated he had felt the day he saw her sister being beaten up by the guy she loved.


He had some money in the bank .The one he saved for his all India trip ..the money he had saved for buying gifts Sheni would not accept .He decided he wanted to meet her . at any cost and find out what had happened between them . Why was she beaten up . Why she was not crying . and mostly he wanted to find out why he had felt sorry for her.he wanted to find out if she was human ..and if she was beautiful.Yes she was beautiful ..so was his sister . . He called Monisha and asked her for a date. She was coldly replying him to meet her at Besant nagar .It was around 9 that day .She had taken him to a lodge which she knew .He was very nervous ..but was more anxious and curious to find out what had happened to her .. and what was happening to him .She sat next to him . She had already started to undress. Pappu stopped her . He was surprised how bold he was in touching her . He wondered if she was hurt when he touched her .He switched on the light .He told her he wanted to talk .She looked in his eyes . in it he saw the same disbelief he saw in the rest of the humanity when they saw something good happening around them

. Already pessimism has raped what little beauty she had in her eyes . Pappu asked what did she do other than what she was doing. She was employed in a BPO .Pappu did not knew that she was having a daughter already . He never saw her with her daughter. He had noticed one scar in her neck . He asked her if he can touch it . It felt so lifeless.The scar was something which had cheated her innocence . Pappu asked how she got that swell in her eyes . His queries were met with cold indifference . She had told him that she would nt want to discuss her personal life with him .Pappu told how he was friends with Syam . Hearing syam s name her eyes began to brighten . Monisha was doing her masters in Biotechnology when she had met Adeep . He was a muslim boy .She still remembered how wonderfully intelligent he was . She was just 23 when she decided to make her life with the one she loved.They had come to chennai with wild hopes and even wilder imagination . It was good in the begining . But even after months of being recommended by friends Adeep still was not able to find a job.Adeep was having a lots of friends.He gradually began to lose interest in Monisha . It was december last year that he decided to leave her . After that it has been a journey of embarressment ...fear ..guilt and virtual poverty for her. It was through a driver that she was introduced to the world of flesh trade.Years grew this strange indifference towards life and world. But she never gave up on her child..Gauri.She had met Syam shortly afterwards getting a job in BPO where syam was working.Syam was a romantic deluded person . He had always lived in a dream world .But was quite nuerotic and possesive.They gradually grew close together.

Syam was drawn by her beauty and she was indeed charmed by his poetry and lies..aboutlife.Syam never listened to her .Infact it was syam who did all the talkings ..he talked about many things..about vedantha ..Chaos heory .. about life ..about love ..About Pappu too. that must have made her excited about meeting Pappu .Pappu was glad to learn that Syam still had good thoughts about him . It was only last week when Syam had seen her in a car being dropped at the apartment at the wee hours of morning .Syam got very upset and started shouting , Initially he had stopped attending her calls and had once shut the door on her . But she insisted on going to his house.Syam had hit her twice ..when he raise his arms again she had fallen down . She was not very angry with Syam .Infact Pappu could see that she was even happy to certain extent when she had talked about Syam .There must be some strange kindness to him which would have made her forgive his angry violence .

Tears almost fell down Pappus eyes.It was the first time that he was seeing a human face to a figure he had seen only in darkness.But years of mental emotional and spiritual abuse had taken its toll on her beauty . No..she was more beautiful than he had imagined her to be. Infact she was more beautiful than himself..She was more beautiful than sheni ..she was more beautiful than Pappu s love for sheni . He had listened to her the whole night . It was around two o clock that he could hear the room boy knocking at the door .He immediately had realised how Silly he had been in the whole arrangement.She did not accept the money . But Pappu was reluctant in having her take this money ,He had asked her to spend it on buying something for Gauri.

Had i been very judgemental of Syam . Have i made decisions on him too soon . Has he been such a nice person all along ..Why had he still beaten her..Was he out of his mind ..Was i doing to Syam what he did to Monisha ..Why was i less understanding than this girl whom i know as a prostitute..these were the questions which had haunted him when he stepped out of that room.

When he met Syam the next day in the coffee shop ..the same indifference was staring at them ..which they had felt towards each other when they decided to part their way .But this time , he remembered Monishas eyes. Why was not i more forgiving thought. Syam had always been very haste in hurling abuses at people.It was one time when he had him upset over taking his personal belonging..that too his guitar that he burst out so badly that Pappu decided that they should part thier ways as good friends.But there was always this undercurrent of anger and hatred in their eyes when they had met afterwards.This was the first day after many months that Pappu had gone and talked to Syam.Intially he was very cold ..infact even abusive.But Pappu persisted . Pappu said he was genuinely sorry even though he really was not .But something in Pappu s eyes seemed to tell Syam that it was time to forgive their mistakes ..of Pappus and syams..

They just stood there for a long time.They remembered how they used to crack jokes about their maths teacher..about how they used to feel at awe with reasons for existance and Chaos theory ..How they used to hate Kamal hasan ..and his antics..Shit man time had gone so much na ..said Pappu . Somehow when Pappu had asked about Monisha ..he could sense a very strange feeling of tension in thier conversation .It was suffocating how they had run out of words .Pappu changed their conversation and told him how he had met this girl called Sheni ..and how badly he wanted her ..and how heartbroken he was when she always insists on them being good friends.Syam was opening up about Monisha.Syam told how heartbroken he was when he found him with another man . Pappu was initially puzzled .Syam himself had been with so many girls..sometimes at the same time altogether .He was quite a casanova of thier college.He had many girlfriends and was an expert in keeping relationships with girls .He already started going out with girls and having sex with them ..while pappu was still wondering whether babies were born out of some strange experiments gone wrong in MI2 labs !


Syam said he loved Monisha .He have told so many times over with so many different girls .Pappu looked into his eyes and asked whether he really loved her ..and what it means to love someone..We had always prophesed about how to love someone without any expectations.without any conditions..I again asked him whether he really had loved her .. It was almost two hours since they started their conversation . Somehow Pappu felt that there was some strange crsytallisation in his resolve . Syam had to admit that he was very possesive .Pappu was quite pleased that he had once in his life admitted to something which had bothered Pappu for many years since meeting him .He had always been very possesive .Towards his music cassettes..his books .. Infact Pappu was the only one with whom he shared his books.Because somehow Pappu always ended up returning his books within days of borrowing from him sometimes even without reading them completely ..for Pappu knew how he had felt about them .Pappu had told him about the whole incidence ..Pappu was quite not able to understand he had become upset again . He was somehow more angry with Monisha for having told Pappu about them .. He just left without saying much

Pappu was always defeated ..by his parents..By Monisha ..By Sheni..By life ..by love ..and his own mercy and imagination. This time by Syam !

Pappu was somehow able to sleep very peacefully for that night ..although he had slept only for a few hours that night..when he woke up he was surprised how he did not feel like to sleep for ten more minutes.He felt refreshed and relived. Pappu did a lot of thinking in the office that day . It was a message from Sheni ..Ratss....He started to wonder..if he was similiar to syam in the way he treated Sheni . Although he never liked to believe that he wanted to posses sheni..He always missed her messages and conversations with her .He was somehow dependant on this female for his pleasures.It was only Pappu who had always called and messages Sheni . When ever he had messaged her.she always replied to whatever nonsense he had typed her . She was doing her MBBS finals that year . Some how Pappu was feeling this strange guilt in his heart . He wondered where their relationship was going . For Sheni it was quite clear that Pappu was her best friend..of sorts..But Pappu loved Sheni beyond anything .He was begining to sense a strange obligation in Sheni s feelings towards him .He felt the same way he used to feel obligated to Syam . Somehow Sheni made him feel that she was doing him a favor ..He did nt like



favors..Pappu was not a beggar .He need nt live out of the mercy of



anyone . He valued and respected life more than others thought he did .


He asked himself whether he really loved Sheni . She was an obsession



of his since school days . None of his friend understood when he told



that she was the only one he loved .Neither did sheni ..He wondered if



he was raping Sheni spiritually ..It was almost hurting him to believe



that he was about to set her free ..It was very painful to understand



that he was about to grow ..



He understood for the first time in his life ..how painful it is to



love someone ..He decided to commit suicide ..naaa not the physical



kind though ..Pappu always hated people who committed pysical suicide



..its so downright ugly .. He decided to kill his desires and passions



towards sheni . He decided to set her free to pursue whatever she



wanted. He decided to make her life free of his burdens .It was the



first time in his life after meeting her for several years that he had



felt genuinely free of guilt about loving her ..That night he did not



returned her call..or messages..She had given him many missed calls



that night .. He switched off the cell..fearing he might reply to her



.Pappu was from a poor family .He was not well settled as Sheni



was.Niether was he emotionally mature as Sheni was ..He was afraid he



would end up hurting Sheni if the relationship had grown any further .



It was not that she would run away with him and he would not be able to



satify her ..it was that she would never really love him and Pappu



might do something really stupid and make her feel guilty of having



hurt Pappu..



It was almost three months since he stopped calling her ..replying to



her message .. That day he was told that there was someone in the lobb



y to meet him . Pappu almost forgot how Sheni looked like ..infact he



had not even seen her except in the photos she had sent him which was



taken many years back . He almost failed in recognising the face behind



the voice of his daily calls . It was Sheni ....She looked more



beautiful than he had ever imagined her to be .He did not knew how to



react at that moment . Had she comed to invite him for the marriage



..he feared for the worst .He indeed was with indifference..doing to



sheni what Syam was doing to Monisha ..only on a subtle level..this



realisation had made his head hang in guilt .He somehow managed a smile



which was niether inviting nor ugly . Sheni was not smiling ..She came



near Pappu .. She gave him a very nice slap ..Pappu was never hit by



anyone he loved...His father never hit him neither did his mother ..nor



did Syam ..Nor anyone he knew remotely .. But Sheni s slap did not hurt



him ..infact he almost felt grateful to Sheni for slapping him .She



slapped him again ...hugged him and kissed him ...This time in the



cheeks to only to sense the salt of his tears. Pappu felt that the



world was coming to an end .Pappu felt more grateful to her than to



anyone he had ever felt grateful to ! RATS



Pappu did not speak a word.That day they had talked a lot ..about life



.. About vedantha ..chaos theory ..about how they used to make fun at



the maths teacher..They dared not to speak in terms of their



future.They were happy with what little non sense they shared ..She had



gone home in the next flight ..



It was twelve o clock midnight ..when Sheni had called him ..Pappu was



in US . His wife had already slept . He had a girl child and named her



Sheni ..although his parents were quite objectionate about naming their



hindu grandchild with a muslim name ......Sheni had seen Jane tu part



two ..It was Imran Khan s cousin .She was head over heels about the



movie ..MEOW tu kabhi nahi sudhrega Saala said Pappu..!! Pappu never



was reformed ..neither did Syam ..niether did Monisha .. niether did



life ..least said about MEOW the better !!



The more things change ..the more they remain the same ...



All parts of this story is purely fictional ..if it ever resembles



anything real...its due to a presidential conspiracy by George W Bush



Cheers Rats

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